Thursday, July 28, 2011
But hey, those were his words. He said this all to me as binged on 3 cupcakes. It was going to be 4 I threw it away. He also mentioned "And god, don't you think you eat enough junk already?"
Doesn't matter, just spent that last 3 hours cleaning. Swept and mopped the kitchen floor, scrubbed the kitchen counter tops and sink, organized in the RV, cleaned up the leaving room and vacuumed it. Now I'm about to vacuum upstairs, clean my room and do the laundry.
I am a lazy, fat and selfish person. Why do I deserve anything. What makes me think in my right mind I deserve to eat. I am undeserving to have anything, I know that. I hate myself.
Mother effing- ugh. So. I basically binged really bad last night/day. I don't know the calories but it was bad. I have now come to the conclusion that I can no longer fast, unless busy.
When I'm fasting..and I'm bored, I'm just stuck alone with my thoughts which is torture. At least when I keep busy I don't think about it as much. I remember the first time I fasted. It was for once day. I had been at school all day then when strait to my friends after school. Then later we went to a movie. I came home later, around 11 ish and went strait to bed. Busy busy busy.
Thin needs to come back up because I am so effing bored. I went back through and watched all of Jenna Marbels videos on youtube again. (If you haven't heard of her you totally should shes HILARIOUS ). Now I'm contemplating doing it with my other subscriptions.
I've been thinking a lot of about school/ college lately. And that basically I'm just going to be as fat as I was when I left. On vacation I bought two shirt for school. Figured I would try on some jeans...AND I'M STILL THE SAME EFFING SIZE. Sometimes I just want to cuss all over the place...but I can't. Reminds me to much of my childhood. I've also been thinking of going vegan. I really really badly want to do it but I know my family will make fun of me. They did when I contemplated about being vegetarian. Sigh. Another thing I'll have to do in college.
Why am I listening to Kpop right now. (GUILTY PLEASURE OK, LEAVE ME ALONE.)
So yeah, hoping today won't be a total failure for once. I just have to avoid these babies all day:
Carrot cake muffins with a butter cream frosting. not to mention there's left over frosting on the fridge. I've already been on the internet for 2 hours, watched TV for 1, done yoga and washed my face. -_- It's times like these that actually make me wonder if I did lose 22 pounds that one summer. It seems like now it was all in my head.
I have a pathetic excuse for an eating disorder.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I just about died when thin was down yesterday. I check about 5 times and every time I came I was like: NOOO!?. I was so bored yesterday I even resorted to going back to PT. Boy it is hell over there and I'm definitely not going to miss it. I'm a little sad I'm starting over with my post. I like to set goals for myself in everything and one of them at PT was to get to 1,000 posts. I was almost there at around 950 posts. That took me forever. I was posting less and less there because I felt like people didn't care what I had to post anyway. AT thin I feel a lot more comfortable already, which is good.
Yesterday was terrible. I basically binged all day. 6 cookies...some Wheaties, fiber one bar and the list goes on. At this point I just feel like I'm never going to lose any weight by school starting. I wanted to lose at least 20ish but. I don't think thats going to happen. Now I'm hoping for at least 10. My metabolism is crap. -_-
I starve myself I gain.
I eat I gain.
Sometimes I wonder whats the point?I recently went to Dicks sporting good and they were having a huge sale on woman's athletic-wear. Nike and Addias short that are normally 25-38 dollars were only 7 dollars! I got two pairs. One is lime green and the other is yellow with pink on the edges. There nothing like new workout clothes that makes you actually want to workout.
I took a picture of the green ones:
(I know my room is a mess but I cleaned it since this picture. I look tan as well)
More and more lately I'm hating my stomach/back area. I used to hate my legs as equally but lately....they're not so bad. Not sure why. I still hate when I sit and when I walk. Not to mention they're like weirdly muscular is some areas which pisses me off...so we'll see. I'm going to look into some leaner things for them. Maybe yoga or something but idk...it just feel so blah. I don't feel like I'm exercising unless I'm panting/sweating.
Everyday I look at my stomach I cry. It's gotten so bad and I'm an idiot for letting it get that way. My hips are the worst. I seriously need to know some exercising that are killer for your hips and thighs. I've heard dancing but I dunno...
Today I have to get a shot and I'm not looking forward to it. The last shot I got I fainted. I've had only about 175 calories today and I'm actually feeling good. I don't want to have to eat more just so I won't faint again when I've been doing good. (FINALLY).
So we'll see...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I wish someone would honestly want to get to know me.
Someone who would ask me how I am and not take 'fine' for an answer because they actually genuinely cared. They would reach out to me and initiate the conversation, instead of me always having to do everything.
No more "I'm here if you want me." but the "I'm here, lets talk."
But no. I will never have that. Whats the point of trying.
whateverrrr. Just a head's up, I was to lazy to check my spelling and such.
Finally decided to do an 'actual' post. I was gone for a week on vacation. And next Friday I'm leaving aging for a week and half. I found this site I' using to log everything I've been eating and it really helps. You also log the calories and the exercise you've done for the day. It's pretty amazing and I LOVE IT. Thisisit.checkitoutyeah?
Basically tomorrow I was thinking about going on this 12 mile uphill hike with my dad and brother tomorrow. But I decided against it. I'm not in shape at all and it wouldn't not be fun. And I told my dad that on the phone and he got pissed. Beyond pissed. He started yelling at my mom in the car and I could hear anything. He thought he hung up but he didn't. I could hear my mom start to cry. He was basically blaming my mom for everything and telling her she was making me and same lazy. I wanted to punch him in the face. I handed the phone over to my brother, he could hear the yelling without even putting the phone to his ear.
I do anywhere Fromm 100-400 sits ups every day. Not to mention jumping jacks and a CRAP LOAD on lunges and squats and your telling me I'm lazy? Not to mention the times I suck out in the morning so I could take a jog around in the morning? WTF. I try to go to the gym but me and my mom have different schedules and I have to rely on her to take me or either drop me off. Apparently he ended up jumping out of the car and walking 2 miles home. Basically I cried while my brother hugged me for a while. Him on the verge of crying but never doing it. He likes to act strong but will then go to his room and cry. He's 19 and sensitiveness so yeah.
Over the past couple of year I have lost so much respect for my dad. He just pisses me off and this is the second day in row I've gone into my room and psychically said out loud I hate him! I really hate him". Our personalities just get under each others skin all the time. Especially with what he did today. I have no respect for people like that.
After my mom got home I just couldn't stay there. I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to leave. So me and my mom left while my brother stayed home and lye on the couch, looking sick to his stomach as well. This isn't the first time we've had to leave because of my dad's anger issues. SO we went to the mall....walked around. Bought a pair of earnings and a bracelet. There wasn't much to do because it was 7:30. So we went and saw Bridesmaids again. soo funny.
What a crappy day though. I thought my dad had gotten better with his anger but I guess not. Man. I can't even wait to get the hell out of here.