My Silent Fortress.

God, I wish I had a best friend.

I used to have a best friend. We had been friends on and off for three years and always got in fights. But somehow, we always found our way back to each other because we realized life sucked without having each other. She was the only person that ever fully understood me. I could be totally myself around her. We had so many inside jokes and hung out every other day.

We had our own characters and would role play with them through writing. We used to read the same books and watch the same movies. As the way I used to put it, we disagreed on things that didn't matter, and agreed on the things that did. So things were never boring.

I basically screwed everything up. Well, she did first but then I was to much of a stubborn jerk to forgive her the two times she came to apologize to me.

I really miss her and without her I feel like something is missing. But I think its to late to do anything about it. I think I've changed and she has as well so it wouldn't feel the same. I can honestly say I haven't felt happy since I lost her as a friend.

Another post from PT. Eventually I'll post an update about whta is going on in my life. Here's a preview:

• guys suck
• TONS OF BINGES
• Finally curled my hair sorta.
• so lonely.
• my mom is PISSING ME OFF.

so basically the same old crap.

I'm suffocating here, I can't stand it.

This post was taken strait from PT. I though I should let you guys know how this ED has screwed me up socially.

"Because of this ED I'm basically socially behind all my friends by at least 3 years.

I can barely hold up conversations with people I don't know. Small talk is boring and pointless to me. I can't go through an entire conversation in my life now without over analyzing everything they say and how to react. I feel like I've forgotten how to act&react emotional in conversations because I've been faking it for so long. Faking I'm happy, sad, jealous and even angry just to make sure I appear normal to people around me.

I stopped looking people in the eyes a year ago and literally have to force myself to do so. A lot of times I drift in and out of conversations so half the time I don't even know what people are talking to me about. Judging about how they end their last sentence I counter act. If something they said sound like they were trying to be funny, I chuckle and force a smile. Basically most of my responses to things now are "haha yeah."

I used to not care about what came out my mouth and who judged me on it. I had no filter. Now I constantly filter everything I say. I even go as so far writing notes in my phone on topics to say to certain people.

I'm so f*cked up socially it's ridiculous. I've never had a boyfriend or even gotten close. Because of this ED I don't let anybody get close to me in fear of them knowing about my ED. The last two friends I even let get remotely close to me concerning my ED ditched me and didn't look back. So because of this as well, I have trust issues and always are questioning other people's motives."

I'm pretty sure I'm screwed up beyond repair. The word recovery to me is empty and meaningless.

Control yourself, take only what you need from me.

I woke up today feeling like utter crap. Basically going to the game last night just made me more depressed. Looking around seeing everybody who was having a great time. My friend Cassie (who's a year older than me..different person from Carrie) was hanging out with a guy the whole time. I texted her something like "Cassie! I can see you!"

She responded back "haha heyy girl.:)" I said something Like "I'm sitting behind you!" and she NEVER responded back. Typical. Story of my life. She was to busy in the super fan section, with guys literally all around her. Of course she can get guys, she has beautiful natural beauty, blonde, tall and skinny.

FOREVER ALONE.

The picture explains all. I remember when I lost my phone for two weeks, I had checked it when i finally found it and didn't have any messages. Not a one. The only text messages I get are from my ana texting buddies. Nobody in RL or at my school talks to me.

Basically I'm so behind in the social area. I've never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever gotten close. The kids below my grade are doing better with guys than I am. It's so depressing to even think about.

Well, going on about whats going to happen today. I have to clean my room and I'm fasting again. people were getting suspicious so I ate a slice of pizza. but it's going to be easy to fast today. My mom and dad are at a funeral, my brother is hanging with his friends and later in the day I'm going to this church service thing. So luckily I'll be away from my moms grasps all day. Yess. That reminds me, somehow I'm down two pounds even though I did a very crappy job with my fast. -_- Two pounds closer to my first GW.

HOW ABOUT THAT DEVIN. WHEN I AM ACTUALLY SKINNY WILL I BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!? WILL I?!

Probably not.
I'll never measure up.

Would that make your life much better?

FUDGE. I'm pissed and depressed.

ONE. Because obviously I'm a teenager, therefor I have to have teenage angst and go around whining: "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME". My mom in particular is annoying the crap out of me. This is random BUT OH MY GOD THIS IS A GOOD SONG THAT JUST CAME ON. (electro-socket blues- Rouge wave.) Anyway, because my brother is going off to college, for some reason my mother has it in here head that it's 'bonding time' with her daughter. It's pissing me off. I am truly starting to believe that shes the reason I have no friends and I'm the reason why she doesn't get a lot with my dad anymore. I've started acting older and she started acting younger. So because of this I've decided the best thing to do is to cut her off completely.
End of discussion.

TWO. I'm depressed because school started and I'm loaded with homework. I didn't finish buying all of ym school clothes so my outfits look like crap. The last reason...is rather long. I actually started writing this blog yesterday but got so depressed I couldn't write. Then after that I worked out. It always makes me feel a tiny bit better. Basically, there's this really hot guy in three of my classes. Yesterday, my friend Carrie walked up and started talking and laughing with him instantly. Whenever she says something in class he instantly laughs.

One of the main reason my ED started was because Carrie was my best friend in middle school. She got asked out all the time and was constantly complemented. On her myspace she had 40+ comments on her pictures saying how pretty she was. She got asked out all the time and was super popular. I was just there like a wallflower. This started my depression which led to my ED. So of course when this all happened yesterday it instantly sent me into a deep depression. I cried the most I've cried in months. Because of this I'm fasting today. No food shall surpass my lips into my fat body.

Yesterday I also figured out I have EDONS. Which basically means I still get my monthly gift from mother nature., -_- (which it not technically true, I get it every other month or more) and you still have a normal body weight. This much is true. A lot of people thing that just because you have an ED your automatically stick thin. This isn't true.

sigh. Tonight I'm going to the first football home game. I really don't want to go but I think staying home would just make me more depressed. I'm already not going to the after game dance.

I'm..so pathetic.

Where does the good go?

-_- so. PT is still not available and it's been....two days? Yes two days. Many people came to pretty alone and some others are on Tiny dreams. I'm floating between them both. There are tons of theories running around why pretty thin isn't available. For some reason somebody said that zander (the guy that made the site aka james) is hiding from the popo from being in jail! I really don't know.

I know one thing though, which might or might not have to do with it. I know that somebody posted an article about how PT was on the news because there were these people talking about how they wanted to shut down 'pro ana' and ED related websites! WTF. I really hope not. Those idiots don't realized that those sites are the only thing that keep people with ED'S SANE! Without PT....well I know I would be a lot worse off.

Sigh. So I'm hoping it will come up soon. I feel like crap. Yesterday my mom took me out to Chinese food, one of my weaknesses. I was so hungry I ate the whole thing. stupid fat pig. Then later had two servings of ice cream, I want to die. I was supper depressed last night because I realized that nothing has changed. I'm still that loser with no friends that yes, people will talk to me, but won't make friends with me. I was at this youth group church thing last night, and I remember just wondering, sort of standing there like a lost puppy. I couldn't find anybody to talk to, they all had there own groups. I wanted to go cry in the bathroom. The whole time I couldn't help but think: "they're all so skinny, so perfect. they don't understand." The people who continually talked to me was this fat overweight girl with no make up on, and lets face it, not the prettiest person in the bunch. And the mentally retarded girl who waved at me and smiled. I'm so so selfish. I can't even imagine whats it's like to be like her. At least people still talk to me, but it's only because of my caked on make up and face. Without it I am nothing.
I already am nothing.

People start to listen to me and they LITERALLY will just walk away or start talking to someone else mid sentence. OR LIKE THAT STUPID B- girl....whats her face. In the middle of talking about her hair she screamed something else to a friend and they all went into this group hug thing, and I was just standing on the outside.

It was pouring down rain yesterday with this happened, and two things were on my mind. Standing in that rain, seeing if it would dissolve me. And the skinny, happy people around me. Where does the good go?

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