Under all that pressure it's supposed to make diamonds, no?

Just wondering why everyone in my life eventually doesn't want to be around me.
Am I that disgusting? Annoying? Depressing?

Every time someone cancels on me- (which they do, and quite often)- I just feel like everything they say is bullshit. It's just an excuse because they don't want to say that they don't want to actually be around someone as ugly as me.
Understandable. I don't even want to be around me.

It makes me sad. (A great understatement. I am crying right now. Pathetic? Yes. ) That no one stops to care. For once I just want to be loved, to be payed attention to. I'm constantly talked over, why even bother talking at all.

Maybe I should become a mute.

Today, I noticed something with my dad. And I'm almost ashamed I haven't noticed it before. He will begin to tell a story, but when realizing nobody listening...he just stops and sort of fades out. When seeing this, my heart literally felt like...somebody was tugging on it. I knew that feeling. The feeling that 'no once cares what you have to say so why talk anyway' feeling.

I had to ensure him multiple times that "I'm listening dad, I'm listening. Continue with your story".

I guess in some ways I just wish I was something. Or at least someone people wanted to listen to. Its really pathetic if I find anyone now who will listen to me, I just start I start babbling incessantly. Like a bottle under pressure that bursts after having its cap opened.
I'm not stupid. I can see it in their eyes that they don't care. That they would have wished they didn't just open the can of worms. But yet I continue talking, hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone will care.

But do they ever? Nope. Its always "Oh.haha hm."

Maybe that's how I lost C.C, has my best friend...if she was even that. She was the closest I ever had to one. But I had to go screw it up? Didn't I? This is the longest we haven't talk because of a fight. (The fight was pathetic and I'm so ashamed of myself I don't want to even mention it). Basically I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, and not speak my mind.
Suppress. Suppress. Suppress. Under all that pressure it's supposed to make diamonds, no?

Well mine is coal...and it been one ugly hunk of coal for a very long time. And it doesn't look like it's changing any near time in the future.

Its interesting to look back on the time I was having the most fun in my life so far. It was also the time I was crying the most. Interesting.

{{headaches.}}

Why am I so self destructive.

why am I fat, why am I ugly. It all comes down to that, don't it?
Ag, headaches. Posting meaningfully. -->{Eventually}

.

So I was just informed by my dad that that I am a "lazy fat ass " Who does nothing all day but watch TV. According to him its summer break and I have nothing else to do so I could at least "Pull your own weight and actually do something around the house, instead of being a selfish lazy brat."

But hey, those were his words. He said this all to me as binged on 3 cupcakes. It was going to be 4 I threw it away. He also mentioned "And god, don't you think you eat enough junk already?"

Doesn't matter, just spent that last 3 hours cleaning. Swept and mopped the kitchen floor, scrubbed the kitchen counter tops and sink, organized in the RV, cleaned up the leaving room and vacuumed it. Now I'm about to vacuum upstairs, clean my room and do the laundry.

I am a lazy, fat and selfish person. Why do I deserve anything. What makes me think in my right mind I deserve to eat. I am undeserving to have anything, I know that. I hate myself.

Its been a while, ey?

(Lawls so sorry I forgot to tell you guys I would be gone for 10 days on vacation. )

Mother effing- ugh. So. I basically binged really bad last night/day. I don't know the calories but it was bad. I have now come to the conclusion that I can no longer fast, unless busy.
When I'm fasting..and I'm bored, I'm just stuck alone with my thoughts which is torture. At least when I keep busy I don't think about it as much. I remember the first time I fasted. It was for once day. I had been at school all day then when strait to my friends after school. Then later we went to a movie. I came home later, around 11 ish and went strait to bed. Busy busy busy.

Thin needs to come back up because I am so effing bored. I went back through and watched all of Jenna Marbels videos on youtube again. (If you haven't heard of her you totally should shes HILARIOUS ). Now I'm contemplating doing it with my other subscriptions.
I've been thinking a lot of about school/ college lately. And that basically I'm just going to be as fat as I was when I left. On vacation I bought two shirt for school. Figured I would try on some jeans...AND I'M STILL THE SAME EFFING SIZE. Sometimes I just want to cuss all over the place...but I can't. Reminds me to much of my childhood. I've also been thinking of going vegan. I really really badly want to do it but I know my family will make fun of me. They did when I contemplated about being vegetarian. Sigh. Another thing I'll have to do in college.
Why am I listening to Kpop right now. (GUILTY PLEASURE OK, LEAVE ME ALONE.)

So yeah, hoping today won't be a total failure for once. I just have to avoid these babies all day:

Carrot cake muffins with a butter cream frosting. not to mention there's left over frosting on the fridge. I've already been on the internet for 2 hours, watched TV for 1, done yoga and washed my face. -_- It's times like these that actually make me wonder if I did lose 22 pounds that one summer. It seems like now it was all in my head.
I have a pathetic excuse for an eating disorder.

Something Good can work out

I just about died when thin was down yesterday. I check about 5 times and every time I came I was like: NOOO!?. I was so bored yesterday I even resorted to going back to PT. Boy it is hell over there and I'm definitely not going to miss it. I'm a little sad I'm starting over with my post. I like to set goals for myself in everything and one of them at PT was to get to 1,000 posts. I was almost there at around 950 posts. That took me forever. I was posting less and less there because I felt like people didn't care what I had to post anyway. AT thin I feel a lot more comfortable already, which is good.

Yesterday was terrible. I basically binged all day. 6 cookies...some Wheaties, fiber one bar and the list goes on. At this point I just feel like I'm never going to lose any weight by school starting. I wanted to lose at least 20ish but. I don't think thats going to happen. Now I'm hoping for at least 10. My metabolism is crap. -_-

I starve myself I gain.

I eat I gain.

Sometimes I wonder whats the point?I recently went to Dicks sporting good and they were having a huge sale on woman's athletic-wear. Nike and Addias short that are normally 25-38 dollars were only 7 dollars! I got two pairs. One is lime green and the other is yellow with pink on the edges. There nothing like new workout clothes that makes you actually want to workout.

I took a picture of the green ones:

(I know my room is a mess but I cleaned it since this picture. I look tan as well)

More and more lately I'm hating my stomach/back area. I used to hate my legs as equally but lately....they're not so bad. Not sure why. I still hate when I sit and when I walk. Not to mention they're like weirdly muscular is some areas which pisses me off...so we'll see. I'm going to look into some leaner things for them. Maybe yoga or something but idk...it just feel so blah. I don't feel like I'm exercising unless I'm panting/sweating.

Everyday I look at my stomach I cry. It's gotten so bad and I'm an idiot for letting it get that way. My hips are the worst. I seriously need to know some exercising that are killer for your hips and thighs. I've heard dancing but I dunno...

Today I have to get a shot and I'm not looking forward to it. The last shot I got I fainted. I've had only about 175 calories today and I'm actually feeling good. I don't want to have to eat more just so I won't faint again when I've been doing good. (FINALLY).

So we'll see...