Crying myself to sleep tonight- reminds me of the good ol' times.

oh sigh, very tried- very depressed.

I've been thinking more and more self harm lately. I've never self harmed, mostly just because I've never had the resources, never felt much of a need, and just didn't have the balls to do it.

But I tried to, tonight.
Don't worry, it didn't work.

Let me start from the beginning on my day, I went to a Chinese new year thing for activity/volunteer hours for my school. We painted faces, and such. I had already been feeling more down than usual lately. With my overall laziness and jealousy of others- it had been a bad week. Plus my face was breakout out and more than ever I've just been hating everything about myself lately. I crave control in my life. With this event, my friends were there. They are all dressed perfectly and effortless pretty. 2 out of 3 not even wearing foundation and still looking perfect. The other that was didn't even need it because she already is gorgeous.

I had fasted until about dinner, when my mom wanted to go out to dinner my my grandma and aunt since my dad was out of town. Tried to get out it- couldn't. So I would just get a salad. Long story short was called a spoiled brat by my bitch of an aunt and it just set me off. I was already a ticking time bomb. The rest of the dinner she made snotty comments about me. I though my mom would be on my side be started calling me "a stupid teenager" ect. I was going to talk to her about it but it went out the door after that. I was just mad at my aunt. My mom didn't talk to me the whole way home like its my fault.

I already know I'm a horrible and ugly person okay? This weekend didn't exactly go as I planned.

Got home and as my mom went to get the mail, I ran to my bathroom upstairs and proceeded to cry as I once again tried to make myself purge. After trying for about 20 minutes, I looked over and saw my razor on the bathtub. Basically broke it apart to try to get the actually little razors apart- which were already old and dull. I knew it wouldn't work but I tried anyway- I needed punishment. I tried pressing them to my skin multiple times and all that happened was some fucking irritation.

Things to secret get next time I'm at the store:

• Razor blades
• stretchmarks cream/ bio oil

I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Didn't you hear, Jealousy is on the rise again!

Eyyyy been a week or so. New week of the semester started. Only half a year left of junior year, thank god. Need to get out of here already.

Things have been..meh. I still haven't gotten around to writing. I really want to I just never seem to get around to it. Maybe I'll force myself to sit down and WRITE. I'm just so extremely self conscious about my art and writing, I know its crap without even doing it. No amount of words can change that.

I just want to be happy, I just want to be a normal happy person. Someone who knew what they were and didn't care what others thought. Having natural beauty always helps too....

There's just this girl in some of my classes I just cant help but be overwhelmingly jealous of her. I don't think I've ever been so jealous of someone. She has natural beauty and has these gorgeous blue eyes. She just slaps on some mascara and BAM , PERFECT. While I pack on tons of everything to hide my nasty skin, not to mention ton of eyeshadow and blah. Just so you can get an idea, she looks like freakin Alexis Bledel. She has this perfect body, and gets all A's. All the girls always say how perfect she is, how beautiful she is. Her style is effortless, and shes nice to everybody, confident but not too confident. And she doesn't care what people think, she doesn't care if people see she knows/talks about deeper meanings in things. If I were to say half the things she does on those deeper things people would look at me like I'm crazy.

Ugh, sigh. Jealousy is eating me inside. Everyday I see this perfect vision of myself in my head. And everyday it seems farther away.

I'm going to spend a large part of this weekend alone. Cleaning my room and working out. Be a hermit and foo my homework early for no reason at all. Its my brothers birthday this weekend so there will be a small family gathering, I'm sure.

I forgot to mention that I went vegetarian about 5 days ago. Saw a cow get shot in the head twice on google's Life in a Day. Cried for about an hour...it looked like it was in so much pain. It was twitch on the first shot to the head, so they had to do another. After that they showed it throat being slit. Been meatless for about 5 days, it's been forcing me to eat more fruit which I guess is good. Ugh that poor cow, the image just keeps replaying in my head.

How is it I'm finally getting exercise and food routine down, but all my emotions just decided to go whack? They're like "ahh fuck it, lets be the screw ups, like we always are!"

Changed my profile picture to me, btw. It was a photo I semi-liked. Yes, the wonders of instagram.

Finals over, self esteem lower.

Yes the title says all. My finals are finally over and I'm pretty sure I failed at least half of them.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about my memory and school. Everyone seems to have better memory than me, they remember things they read, things they hear ect. I always do reading for all my classes and take more notes than anyone, but it anyone asked for me to recall it a day later..my mind goes blank. It scares me to think that my eating disorder has possibly effected me in this way. I used to be so much smarter, or maybe I was more naive then and less self aware. Hit to self esteem.

I went to the store yesterday. Saw an incredibly hot guy, and for some reason I decided I would at least act confident. So I was smiling, laughing and basically being a loud idiot. He ignored me. And then went to talk to his co-worker, a girl who goes to my school that wears tons of make up and is so tiny. Yep, that is my life. Another hit to the self esteem.

OH! I've also been really wanting to write lately but just can't get it out of my system. I have this great idea and really want to write but can't seem to put fingers to keyboard- so to speak. I guess I'm just scared. One of the things that trigger me is people criticizing my art/writing ect. It was one of the things that contributed to my ED. I was told I was a terrible writer and should stop. So going there is a bit of a sore spot and I am a little apprehensive. BAM, NO ESTEEM.

Today I ate pretty well. And I had been exercising pretty consistently. I was also finally getting back into my usual routine of crunches. My mom made pizza and I threw away mine when she wasn't looking, but did eat a candy bar in front of her and a granola bar. Total for the day was at 780. High, but not bad compared to what I was doing as of lately.

Then, it all goes down hill.
My mother remarks "You've been eating a lot of junk lately."
Me: "not really.."
Mom: "You've actually been eating a lot of junk today, and I've been noticing you've been looking a little, well, fuller lately, and you were complaining about being sore from the gym. You have p.e next semester and maybe its time to start exercising more and eating better."

What the fuck. I had to leave the room quickly before I started crying right in front of her. How dare she. HER- the mother fucking yo-yo dieter that has crap all the time. The reason I complain being sore is to seem normal, I am not fucking sore because I workout all the time. But you just don't see that, do you? I had only 780 calories and she tells me I've been having junk!? After watching me eat one candy bar!? I'm disgusted with her and myself.

Its comments like that that making me cry myself to sleep at night. Subtle comments that are daggers. Thanks mom, I'm off to do 200 sit ups, jumping jacks and lunges. Tomorrow? A fast. What a wonderful role model I have in my midst's.

The final blow takes it toll.

Apparently I'm Emotionless.

Finally posting.I'm been super stressed with school. I have a four day weekend (thank god!) Three days of school and then next week is finals. Pretty nervous. I really want to get all A's...or i might cry..hmm yep.

Things have been....meh. The same crap as usual. We changed seats in math and I'm pissed. I was finally sitting by normal people who actually did work on the in class work and group tests now I'm stuck witch a bunch of idiots. One always leaves and joined others tables, selfishly always ensuring he gets good scores instead of actually helping our table. The other one is barely ever there because of cross country. And the third is annoying as hell and pisses me off. His name is...Deqwandre? I think. Either way hes loud obnoxious and rude. On Thursday,( the last day I had that class) he told me this:

Him: "Yo why are you always so chill?"
Me: "What do you mean.."
Him: "You let me take your calculator everyday and you never say anything, you barely ever talk...you barely ever smile!"
Me: "Well I just figure it nice to share, especially if using the calculator helps you understand the notes I figure-"
Him: "You are literally one of the most emotionless people I have ever met. Seriously, have you ever been hugged, like a day in your life?"
Me: "...."
Him: *Looks over to the table behind this* "Haha are you guys hearing this? " (The table behind us proceeds to laugh)

I was between fuming and depressed. Not only did this comment piss me off but it only confirmed all the insecurities I have with talking people I don't know. Instantly at that point I wanted to cry and crawl into a ball. Obviously I know I am a freakin emotionless robot. Which is why I cry myself to sleep a lot, somehow I manage to have that concept of emotion down.

I'm going to be alone forever. Fat forever. Ugly forever. I'm going to bed now. I'm going to cry and write in my journal. Made a new years resolution to draw everyday, so far I stuck to it. Should probably do that to.

Maybe I should draw a robot- oh, wait, I already have.

Under all that pressure it's supposed to make diamonds, no?

Just wondering why everyone in my life eventually doesn't want to be around me.
Am I that disgusting? Annoying? Depressing?

Every time someone cancels on me- (which they do, and quite often)- I just feel like everything they say is bullshit. It's just an excuse because they don't want to say that they don't want to actually be around someone as ugly as me.
Understandable. I don't even want to be around me.

It makes me sad. (A great understatement. I am crying right now. Pathetic? Yes. ) That no one stops to care. For once I just want to be loved, to be payed attention to. I'm constantly talked over, why even bother talking at all.

Maybe I should become a mute.

Today, I noticed something with my dad. And I'm almost ashamed I haven't noticed it before. He will begin to tell a story, but when realizing nobody listening...he just stops and sort of fades out. When seeing this, my heart literally felt like...somebody was tugging on it. I knew that feeling. The feeling that 'no once cares what you have to say so why talk anyway' feeling.

I had to ensure him multiple times that "I'm listening dad, I'm listening. Continue with your story".

I guess in some ways I just wish I was something. Or at least someone people wanted to listen to. Its really pathetic if I find anyone now who will listen to me, I just start I start babbling incessantly. Like a bottle under pressure that bursts after having its cap opened.
I'm not stupid. I can see it in their eyes that they don't care. That they would have wished they didn't just open the can of worms. But yet I continue talking, hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone will care.

But do they ever? Nope. Its always "Oh.haha hm."

Maybe that's how I lost C.C, has my best friend...if she was even that. She was the closest I ever had to one. But I had to go screw it up? Didn't I? This is the longest we haven't talk because of a fight. (The fight was pathetic and I'm so ashamed of myself I don't want to even mention it). Basically I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, and not speak my mind.
Suppress. Suppress. Suppress. Under all that pressure it's supposed to make diamonds, no?

Well mine is coal...and it been one ugly hunk of coal for a very long time. And it doesn't look like it's changing any near time in the future.

Its interesting to look back on the time I was having the most fun in my life so far. It was also the time I was crying the most. Interesting.