Where did all the control go.

Stupid. stupid..stupid. miserable failure.

Can you guess how my fast went? Today sucked. I was doing fine fast wise untill OF COURSE dinner time when I was home alone. God this is just to the point now where it's pissing me off. I'M GOING TO START COUNTING BINGE FREE DAYS TOMORROW. I believe I ate anywhere from 1000-1500. I'm to pissed/depressed/stressed to count them all up right now.

What happened to me. I used to be so in control. I actually went months without binging. The very though of food grossed me out. Fasting was easy. I think this was when I was in the very middle of my ED, when I was only anorexic. But now that I'm always floating in this area between relapsing and recovery...I'm now EDNOS and anorexia. I remember the summer from 8th to freshman year of high school. I actually had an incentive to fast and restrict. I remember exactly what I ate almost every day.

Cran-rasberry juice frozen into ice cubes. Sometimes wheat thins or cheese sticks. And that was it. Everyday. The weird thing is, I didn't judge what i ate on calories, I Judged on quantity. I have absolutely no idea how I managed this. I could never do that now. I always know the calorie content on everything. I HAVE TO KNOW. Weird thing also is that I didn't really exercise either. The only thing I did was anywhere from 100-400 crunches a day, because back then I was super paranoid about my stomach.

Ugh. this week has been crap. If I'm not even exposed to Christmas foods now and I'm binging, how the heck am I not going to binge during Christmas!?!?

AND WHAT THE HECK, I've tried to change my blog layout like a million times and its not working. It's really PISSING ME OFF.