Friday, December 9, 2011

Under all that pressure it's supposed to make diamonds, no?

Just wondering why everyone in my life eventually doesn't want to be around me.
Am I that disgusting? Annoying? Depressing?

Every time someone cancels on me- (which they do, and quite often)- I just feel like everything they say is bullshit. It's just an excuse because they don't want to say that they don't want to actually be around someone as ugly as me.
Understandable. I don't even want to be around me.

It makes me sad. (A great understatement. I am crying right now. Pathetic? Yes. ) That no one stops to care. For once I just want to be loved, to be payed attention to. I'm constantly talked over, why even bother talking at all.

Maybe I should become a mute.

Today, I noticed something with my dad. And I'm almost ashamed I haven't noticed it before. He will begin to tell a story, but when realizing nobody listening...he just stops and sort of fades out. When seeing this, my heart literally felt like...somebody was tugging on it. I knew that feeling. The feeling that 'no once cares what you have to say so why talk anyway' feeling.

I had to ensure him multiple times that "I'm listening dad, I'm listening. Continue with your story".

I guess in some ways I just wish I was something. Or at least someone people wanted to listen to. Its really pathetic if I find anyone now who will listen to me, I just start I start babbling incessantly. Like a bottle under pressure that bursts after having its cap opened.
I'm not stupid. I can see it in their eyes that they don't care. That they would have wished they didn't just open the can of worms. But yet I continue talking, hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone will care.

But do they ever? Nope. Its always "Oh.haha hm."

Maybe that's how I lost C.C, has my best friend...if she was even that. She was the closest I ever had to one. But I had to go screw it up? Didn't I? This is the longest we haven't talk because of a fight. (The fight was pathetic and I'm so ashamed of myself I don't want to even mention it). Basically I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, and not speak my mind.
Suppress. Suppress. Suppress. Under all that pressure it's supposed to make diamonds, no?

Well mine is coal...and it been one ugly hunk of coal for a very long time. And it doesn't look like it's changing any near time in the future.

Its interesting to look back on the time I was having the most fun in my life so far. It was also the time I was crying the most. Interesting.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


Why am I so self destructive.

why am I fat, why am I ugly. It all comes down to that, don't it?
Ag, headaches. Posting meaningfully. -->{Eventually}