Monday, February 21, 2011

I am the definintion of failure.

I've been eating like an absolute FAT PERSON that I am. No excuses. I went up two pounds. AT the same time I'm so depressed but on the other hand....what does it matter? Not like I'll be able to work it off because my mothers is a freakin HAWK.

I can't even. I'm pathetiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic and worthless. I can't help but thinking it over and over in my mind. I was looking at some old photos of myself and........I can't even explain it. I'm crying and I can't stop. Tonight I'm crying myself to sleep again, slowly cooing myself back into my darkness.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Updating eventually. Just thought I'd let people know I'm alive.
Been thinking about jogging in the morning before school around my neighborhood. Not sure if I will yet. hmm.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

False Love and Affection

So today sucked. And so did yesterday.

First off let me say I saw Devin talking to FREAKING Alicia. Like there buddies. FU-SDJAGOHKASD. Like wth how long have they known each other. This is freaking great. Of course when I saw them, I got that pit feeling in my stomach. The voice in my head said:

"Your freaking idiot. If you would have apologized with Alicia instead of being a jerk you could be sitting them right now. You could be talking to him. "
The image of them talking kept going over and over in my mind last night when I couldn't sleep.

Then, today was the first day of the second semester for me classes 1-4. I was excited because I would be starting drawing. Well guess what, freakin Danika AKA SLUT (and my so called 'friend' -_-), talked to this kid named Owen the entire class time in Drawing2. I felt like such a third wheel. He was one of the few guys I've ever felt relatively comfortable around. Same taste in music, really chill...ect. Sadly he has a girlfriend so I'm staying out of it. But apparently Danika didn't get that message. Her big freaking boobs were hanging out of her shirt and at every little thing he said she giggled like a maniac.
At least at the end of class me wrote on a paper of songs I should look up and gave it to me. So that made me feel a little better. I'm going to save it. Yes, I'm pathetic, you didn't know that already?

Also. Calorie count today was crap.
Chocolate muffin: 690. AKSJDH.
2 Poptarts:
400. fml
Wendy's Jr. Buger: 230
Fiber One bar: 140
TOTAL: 1,460
Can you tell I was emotionally eating today. I'm pissed. I was doing so well. I know it could have been A LOT WORSE so...ugh. But I've decided it wasn't a binge because I felt in control the entire time. Thats whats said about it. -_-

Anyway. Lately I've been really obsessed with the sun, whether it be rising or setting. Something about it is really beautiful.I took some pictures. So here they are.

x. You are to late, I took them down.

I'm going in for the Kill

Nothing has changed from my post "How I cry for You". Nothing. I feel so empty. For the first time in months I've been staying under my restricted calorie limit of 800 calories. Normally I would have been ecstatic that I manged to stay under.

But. It just doesn't feel like it's good enough. It's never going to be good enough. I really want to lose 20 pounds by spring break and I just feel like I'm to much of a failure to do it. I mean...I've lost 22 pounds over the summer before. That was when me ED first started off and I was only anorexic. I ate under 500 calories every day...sometimes less. Did anywhere from 200-400 sit ups a day. But not other exercise.

It's weird to even think back on. It all just seems like a dream, like it wasn't really. But I know it was. Because I remember ever freaking night I stayed up crying, thinking I was good enough.

It;s all coming back though. The same feelings before that originally started my ED. I can't feel them.

Going to try and stay under 500 tomorrow. Fasting on Friday.
Cotton balls are my best friend as of late.
Something is wrong with me. Without a doubt in my mind.