Friday, December 9, 2011
Am I that disgusting? Annoying? Depressing?
Every time someone cancels on me- (which they do, and quite often)- I just feel like everything they say is bullshit. It's just an excuse because they don't want to say that they don't want to actually be around someone as ugly as me.
Understandable. I don't even want to be around me.
It makes me sad. (A great understatement. I am crying right now. Pathetic? Yes. ) That no one stops to care. For once I just want to be loved, to be payed attention to. I'm constantly talked over, why even bother talking at all.
Maybe I should become a mute.
Today, I noticed something with my dad. And I'm almost ashamed I haven't noticed it before. He will begin to tell a story, but when realizing nobody listening...he just stops and sort of fades out. When seeing this, my heart literally felt like...somebody was tugging on it. I knew that feeling. The feeling that 'no once cares what you have to say so why talk anyway' feeling.
I had to ensure him multiple times that "I'm listening dad, I'm listening. Continue with your story".
I guess in some ways I just wish I was something. Or at least someone people wanted to listen to. Its really pathetic if I find anyone now who will listen to me, I just start I start babbling incessantly. Like a bottle under pressure that bursts after having its cap opened.
I'm not stupid. I can see it in their eyes that they don't care. That they would have wished they didn't just open the can of worms. But yet I continue talking, hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone will care.
But do they ever? Nope. Its always "Oh.haha hm."
Maybe that's how I lost C.C, has my best friend...if she was even that. She was the closest I ever had to one. But I had to go screw it up? Didn't I? This is the longest we haven't talk because of a fight. (The fight was pathetic and I'm so ashamed of myself I don't want to even mention it). Basically I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, and not speak my mind.
Suppress. Suppress. Suppress. Under all that pressure it's supposed to make diamonds, no?
Well mine is coal...and it been one ugly hunk of coal for a very long time. And it doesn't look like it's changing any near time in the future.
Its interesting to look back on the time I was having the most fun in my life so far. It was also the time I was crying the most. Interesting.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
But hey, those were his words. He said this all to me as binged on 3 cupcakes. It was going to be 4 I threw it away. He also mentioned "And god, don't you think you eat enough junk already?"
Doesn't matter, just spent that last 3 hours cleaning. Swept and mopped the kitchen floor, scrubbed the kitchen counter tops and sink, organized in the RV, cleaned up the leaving room and vacuumed it. Now I'm about to vacuum upstairs, clean my room and do the laundry.
I am a lazy, fat and selfish person. Why do I deserve anything. What makes me think in my right mind I deserve to eat. I am undeserving to have anything, I know that. I hate myself.
Mother effing- ugh. So. I basically binged really bad last night/day. I don't know the calories but it was bad. I have now come to the conclusion that I can no longer fast, unless busy.
When I'm fasting..and I'm bored, I'm just stuck alone with my thoughts which is torture. At least when I keep busy I don't think about it as much. I remember the first time I fasted. It was for once day. I had been at school all day then when strait to my friends after school. Then later we went to a movie. I came home later, around 11 ish and went strait to bed. Busy busy busy.
Thin needs to come back up because I am so effing bored. I went back through and watched all of Jenna Marbels videos on youtube again. (If you haven't heard of her you totally should shes HILARIOUS ). Now I'm contemplating doing it with my other subscriptions.
I've been thinking a lot of about school/ college lately. And that basically I'm just going to be as fat as I was when I left. On vacation I bought two shirt for school. Figured I would try on some jeans...AND I'M STILL THE SAME EFFING SIZE. Sometimes I just want to cuss all over the place...but I can't. Reminds me to much of my childhood. I've also been thinking of going vegan. I really really badly want to do it but I know my family will make fun of me. They did when I contemplated about being vegetarian. Sigh. Another thing I'll have to do in college.
Why am I listening to Kpop right now. (GUILTY PLEASURE OK, LEAVE ME ALONE.)
So yeah, hoping today won't be a total failure for once. I just have to avoid these babies all day:
Carrot cake muffins with a butter cream frosting. not to mention there's left over frosting on the fridge. I've already been on the internet for 2 hours, watched TV for 1, done yoga and washed my face. -_- It's times like these that actually make me wonder if I did lose 22 pounds that one summer. It seems like now it was all in my head.
I have a pathetic excuse for an eating disorder.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I just about died when thin was down yesterday. I check about 5 times and every time I came I was like: NOOO!?. I was so bored yesterday I even resorted to going back to PT. Boy it is hell over there and I'm definitely not going to miss it. I'm a little sad I'm starting over with my post. I like to set goals for myself in everything and one of them at PT was to get to 1,000 posts. I was almost there at around 950 posts. That took me forever. I was posting less and less there because I felt like people didn't care what I had to post anyway. AT thin I feel a lot more comfortable already, which is good.
Yesterday was terrible. I basically binged all day. 6 cookies...some Wheaties, fiber one bar and the list goes on. At this point I just feel like I'm never going to lose any weight by school starting. I wanted to lose at least 20ish but. I don't think thats going to happen. Now I'm hoping for at least 10. My metabolism is crap. -_-
I starve myself I gain.
I eat I gain.
Sometimes I wonder whats the point?I recently went to Dicks sporting good and they were having a huge sale on woman's athletic-wear. Nike and Addias short that are normally 25-38 dollars were only 7 dollars! I got two pairs. One is lime green and the other is yellow with pink on the edges. There nothing like new workout clothes that makes you actually want to workout.
I took a picture of the green ones:
(I know my room is a mess but I cleaned it since this picture. I look tan as well)
More and more lately I'm hating my stomach/back area. I used to hate my legs as equally but lately....they're not so bad. Not sure why. I still hate when I sit and when I walk. Not to mention they're like weirdly muscular is some areas which pisses me off...so we'll see. I'm going to look into some leaner things for them. Maybe yoga or something but idk...it just feel so blah. I don't feel like I'm exercising unless I'm panting/sweating.
Everyday I look at my stomach I cry. It's gotten so bad and I'm an idiot for letting it get that way. My hips are the worst. I seriously need to know some exercising that are killer for your hips and thighs. I've heard dancing but I dunno...
Today I have to get a shot and I'm not looking forward to it. The last shot I got I fainted. I've had only about 175 calories today and I'm actually feeling good. I don't want to have to eat more just so I won't faint again when I've been doing good. (FINALLY).
So we'll see...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I wish someone would honestly want to get to know me.
Someone who would ask me how I am and not take 'fine' for an answer because they actually genuinely cared. They would reach out to me and initiate the conversation, instead of me always having to do everything.
No more "I'm here if you want me." but the "I'm here, lets talk."
But no. I will never have that. Whats the point of trying.
whateverrrr. Just a head's up, I was to lazy to check my spelling and such.
Finally decided to do an 'actual' post. I was gone for a week on vacation. And next Friday I'm leaving aging for a week and half. I found this site I' using to log everything I've been eating and it really helps. You also log the calories and the exercise you've done for the day. It's pretty amazing and I LOVE IT. Thisisit.checkitoutyeah?
Basically tomorrow I was thinking about going on this 12 mile uphill hike with my dad and brother tomorrow. But I decided against it. I'm not in shape at all and it wouldn't not be fun. And I told my dad that on the phone and he got pissed. Beyond pissed. He started yelling at my mom in the car and I could hear anything. He thought he hung up but he didn't. I could hear my mom start to cry. He was basically blaming my mom for everything and telling her she was making me and same lazy. I wanted to punch him in the face. I handed the phone over to my brother, he could hear the yelling without even putting the phone to his ear.
I do anywhere Fromm 100-400 sits ups every day. Not to mention jumping jacks and a CRAP LOAD on lunges and squats and your telling me I'm lazy? Not to mention the times I suck out in the morning so I could take a jog around in the morning? WTF. I try to go to the gym but me and my mom have different schedules and I have to rely on her to take me or either drop me off. Apparently he ended up jumping out of the car and walking 2 miles home. Basically I cried while my brother hugged me for a while. Him on the verge of crying but never doing it. He likes to act strong but will then go to his room and cry. He's 19 and sensitiveness so yeah.
Over the past couple of year I have lost so much respect for my dad. He just pisses me off and this is the second day in row I've gone into my room and psychically said out loud I hate him! I really hate him". Our personalities just get under each others skin all the time. Especially with what he did today. I have no respect for people like that.
After my mom got home I just couldn't stay there. I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to leave. So me and my mom left while my brother stayed home and lye on the couch, looking sick to his stomach as well. This isn't the first time we've had to leave because of my dad's anger issues. SO we went to the mall....walked around. Bought a pair of earnings and a bracelet. There wasn't much to do because it was 7:30. So we went and saw Bridesmaids again. soo funny.
What a crappy day though. I thought my dad had gotten better with his anger but I guess not. Man. I can't even wait to get the hell out of here.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
MONDAY. I finally started my first days volunteering at the zoo. I'm so happy because this gets me away from my mom so on those days I fast. I go on Mondays and Fridays for 5.5 hours. I really liked the people on my Monday shift. Semi-cute guys who are actually nice. We all hung at the end and I was laughing and actually cracking jokes (GASP). I'm determined to read a bunch this summer so I'm not a total idiot when I come back to school. I found Pride and Prejudice at borders for $4.99 so I bought it. I take the MAX down and back, which is an hour long ride both way. I use this time to read. ^_^
Calories for the day: 0
TUESDAY. I went bowling with Jacobs older bro Spencer (and his younger sisterOlivia). Jaocb was at a soccer game, but yeah it was basically a fundraiser. I don't really know Spencer as well as Jacob but it's very easy for me to chat with him sense we like the same music. We burn CD'S for each other a lot. That was a lot of fun. We went back to Jacobs house, by that time he was home. I hung out until around 10pm. When ever a stay that late, Jacob always just assumes and staying over, so does his mom because they're basically like my second family. His younger sister wanted me to spend the night but I was tired had hadn't done my crunches yet so I said no, but that I would come back tomorrow.
Calories for the day: 540
WEDNESDAY. Woke up, showered, went strait to Jacobs house. Spencer is studying to be an architect and is basically crazy smart and creative. He's always doing different projects. So when I came over they had decided to make there own homemade long board. :P I basically watched Olivia for a little bit before she had to leave for her swimming lessons. Then I helped hammer pieces for the longboard. Went through Spencers entire music inventorry and foudn out what music he doesn't have, I told him I would fix that haha. They have so much junkfood at their house it's terrible. So of course I binged.
Calories for the day: 1500. (Rough estimate 100 or so off)
THURSDAY: Went downtown to the mall with my fiend Heidi. I needed to buy some tans shorts for the zoo because I ripped my old pair. I was pissed. They fit so loosely and I loved them because they were cuffed/made in a certain way that made my legs look less horrific. I was dreading buying more. No surprise, I was the same size. All the shorts were super short and ugh...I feel like a slut -_-. There were some cute guys hanging there and of course they paid me no attention at all..but I'm trying to change that. I'm going camping with her for the forth of july. I though it would be fun initially, until they told me they were changing it from staying 3 nights to 6 nights. Which really stresses me out food wise...so ugh.
Calories for the day: 560
FRIDAY: Another zoo shift. SO. MOST. FRUSTRATING. DAY. EVER. There's these two girls on my shift that pissed me off. Basically, it pissed me off when people think they're better than me, no more that me, or just basically think they're cool shit. WE ARE EQUAL HUMAN BEINGS OKAY. The first girl is a total know it all, and a year younger that me. This is her second yea rat the zoo and it was only my first. She kept telling me what to do, and basically talking down to me. I had to keep say " Oh yeah I know that already " all freaking day. I read the freaking Zoo manual just as you did, IDIOT. -.-
Another thing that happened was while I was in the goat yard.
Her *walking over to me* " What are you doing way over here? :)"
Me: "This is where you told me to go...? :P"
Her: "No I mean away from the people."
Me *shrugs* "Hah I dunno, I'm just waiting for goats if they go to the bathroom so I clean it. Thats what I was told to do..."
Her: "Well you could actually talk to the people. You could also pet the goat, you want to pet the goat? :)"
Me: "uh...I just was petting it. And I was just talking with someone about that particular goat right before you came over, not to mention I also helped the woman take a picture with the goat. So yeah, I have been talking to people. :|" *SO PISSED I CAN'T EVEN*
Her face: *From the that effing smug smile she had on the entire to to = :|* LOL I'M HORRIBLE. It actually made me feel good to see that...haha wow I hate her already. She kept telling a bunch of people false things as well.
Her: "Yeah Greece was made in the 80's so they wore some funny stuff. When ever you see something funny form the 80's you can just say 'it was the 80's!' And that's the excuse."
Me: "Actually it was made in 1978 and was set in the late 50's/early 60's so the clothes aren't representing the 80's at all. "
Her: "oh, well same thing......"
UH NO. I'm evil.
The second girl basically was our TL, who oversees us for the day. I'm pretty sure she's either my age or a year older. But basically she did the same as the other girl, she talked down to me and embaressed me. I was in charge of this little kids game and she kept asking if I knew how and I was like.."uhh yeah I did on Monday.."She made me do 15 jumping jacks while shouting "I'm a star!" Because I didn't like energetic enough. She told me if I didn't she would put me in a different roation. It was so embarrassing, especially with all ym fat jiggling and the crappy shorts I just bought were to short and kept riding up.
She actually pulled me aside and said: "You're pretty shy, aren't you? :)"
Me: "Uh no, haha I'm just tired."
Her: "Ohh well, right, at the Zoo we need to be energetic and happy. I used to be the same way but now I'm super comfortable with myself.... blah blah blah" And thats hen I toned out.
What a b-otch. I wasn't effing shy, I was just pissed off at her that I didn't want to do it! If you piss me off, then tell me to do something, I'm not going to want to do it!
Calories for the day : 780 Ment to fast but ehh whatever. I just had to eat something at the end of the day (two cheese sticks) I had the worst hunger pains of my entire life and had to subdue them somehow.
TODAY: And yeah today I basically stayed at home all day besides when I went to the Animal shelter for my volunteering there. Came home, watch Pride and Prejudice because was on TV (JSHASKSJFD SO excited to finish the book now)
Calories for the day: 820.
Ugh this number is bleh, terrible. Going this high gives me anxiety.I ate 4 gram crackers and didn't realize how many calories were in them until I checked later. Added 260 calories to my day. -.- It's been really easy to eat how I've wanted to lately because my mom has been out of town since Friday morning. She comes home Sunday afternoon. -.- I love not having her around. (Wow I really am terrible). My dad doesn't cook or ask me about my eating habits. He lets me be the independent person I love to be, unlike my mom.
Woo so longest post ever to date, doubt anyone read that but I thought I would actually tell you guys what I have been doing. I will probably do a lot of nothing tomorrow.But eh, my calories are all over the place...even though I'm doing better I still feel like a terrible failure. When I was binging pretty much daily a month ago, I would have love to even get below 1000.
Now, 700-900 is so terrible.
500-600 is ok.
200-400 is good
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Been crying for the past hour I feel to exhausted terrible to even write about it. Lets just say, the last two days involve the words Dickhead and nosebleed (ANOTHER FREAKING ONE)
I'm off to watch crappy TV. Sending love to those reading, thanks for sticking through my depressing crap.
Liss- Yes, please slap her for me. Sometimes I really get fed up with her but shes one of the few people who actually deem to hang with me. Shes like one of the few 'friends' I have.
americaneagle- She really is. I wish i could say something about the ideas but its like a week afterword and everybody would like "wtf who does she think she is? " so eh.
killa kristen- aha maybe. But eh, American eagle jeans are vanity sizes so I always feel guilty ina way wearing them. I took those jeans back anyway.
Jessie- Thank you. And yeah, he's not the best guy, I've been seeing that more and more lately. He's not who I thought he was.
Fat Lassie- I seriously think about my nose daily. I contemplate getting a nose job a lot for maybe when I'm older but I doubt I would ever get one.
Liss- Yep it really sucked. Apparently it happens to a lot of teens when getting a shot (according to the nurses)
LilyZara- yeah I guess. but sadly I have to go back soon and get another one. ughh yuck.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Lately...I had starting feeling better about my face. My hair was finally behaving the way I wanted it to, I got new make up that made my face less oily and I don't have to reply it as much. I was getting a bunch of sleep so I had no bags under my eyes.
And for once, I was looking into the mirror thinking: "Maybe my face isn't so bad..."
And then it all went to hell.
Friday at school was when I had my drawing 2 class. Right now we're drawing self portraits. On friday I had a Spanish project due I didn't finish so I was coloring the pictures for it in my drawing class. My story was about a cow who wanted to have fun.
This guy that comes into our class a lot to talk to a bunch of his friends, came over to our table to talk to me and my friend Danika. This is how the conversation goes. Lets call him 'T.'
T: "What are you guys drawing now?"
Danika: "Self portraits. ;)"
T: *Looks at danika's wow yours is supper good!"
Danika: Thanks! *Super flirty smile WTF SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND, then looks over at my drawing for spanish and points to it, saying: "This one is her, the big fat cow. "
Me: "Ohh wow gee thanks. -_-"
My response was sarcastic but inside I was totally mortified. I wanted to start crying right then and there. She was joking, but it hurt. What makes it worse is that shes so skinny and small and always talks about wanting to lose weight even though shes like 90 pounds or something. -_-
It pisses me off because she flirts with all the guys in the FREAKIN world but yet, shes has this super humble and sweet boyfriend (who's a year older than her) who she totally doesn't deserve!
What made everything worse were people were commenting her drawings all freaking day. All day. "This is soo good!" "Oh my god, this is amazing."
And the worse one, some girl came up and picked up her drawing and said "OH MY GOD, This is the best drawing I have ever seen of a person!" And then proceeded to run around and show everyone in the class. What makes me feel like crap it all her ideas came from me and I'm not even getting credit or anything. She had extra space on her drawing so I just told her to cut the paper off. She did it. She got the credit for being soooo creative.
eff. my. life.
Well I guess I am as ugly as I thought I was. One big, fat ugly COW.
So That day I went home and spent 20 minutes crying and explaining my life while I filmed it on my camera to watch later. In the last minute of the video, I had gotten a serious nosebleed. The worse I have ever gotten. I t was a gusher. What was worse is I was on a white blanket. Luckily it didn't really get anywhere besides a crap load in the toilet.
I hadn't eaten anythign all day, not to mention, no water either, only soda. Plus it was hot in my room. Woops.
Anyway, the blood was gushing so much that when I stopped it, it start going down my throat. Which made gag and cough it back up, then causing me to throw it up. Lovely.
Busy day today so I have to go. Might most again later.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Typing on my dads laptop, so excuse any bad grammar and mistakes.
Right now I'm camping for the memorial weeknd, but we're leaving tomorrow and heading home. I'm really quite stressed right now. I have the next week of school, one more after that (I think) then finals. Oh god I'm so unprepared.
I'm really stress for my spanish and algebra 2 class finals. Those will suck. I hate both of them, and because of that I don't want to try. I'm so stressed right now because my mom told me my dad wants to take it easy tomoor and not get home until 7 ish. WTH THAT ONLY GIVES ME TWO HOURS TO CRAM IN ABOUT 5 HOURS WORK OF HOMEWORK. Stressin' man.
It just really pisses me of because all my dad ever thinks about is himself. What works for him, whats best for him, how he'll be less stressed. It's not fair, there are others in this family besides him. I mean I undersatnd ehe provides for the family and has even worked two jobs for us in the past. And if no way am I say he is undeserving of getting some relaxation but that doesn't me we should focus soley on what he wants all the freakin time. We always have to do what he want to do in order to avoid a huge argument, which is definitely something id like to avoid. (my dad has server anger problems. )
whatever. still fat as ever. It's hard to do anything with mother watchin. g me more than ever.
amaore and more I can feel my tendencies becoming stronger. Oh how my skin is itching for summer.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I finally went shopping today for new jeans. Was dreading doing it all week. The first pair I got were from macy's and I got them in the sale rock for like 70 something percent off, they were only $9.99! They're American Rag. The second I gt from American Eagle and I can't remember how much they were. According to my mother, they make me look " soo skinnnny" yeah whatever,shut up liar.
For some reason, at American eagle I'm like a size smaller in all their jeans. I know for sure I haven't lose any weight, so obviously their sizes run large.
Yeah I'm fat. sdkjfhksdhfksdhf .working on that. seriously thinking about starting abc on monday. I know I'm pathetic.
I almost wanted to shout: "wtf how do you think I feel!?"
Can;t wait until that project is over.
I hate my nose. I'm super sensitive about it ever since I broke it last year in P.E. Thats what I get for being competitive and actually trying. Ever since then it's had this awful bump on it. Seriously contemplating a nose job when I'm older.
At this point with my grades I'm really not caring anymore. I got 22/22 on a algebra 2 quiz, which brought ym grade up to wooping 70 %. Turns out the hw packet I was missing, then finding that out, turned in late about a month ago- he still hasn't entered. WTF. 50 FREAKING POINTS AND HE HASN'T ENTERED IT. This is all because that one stupid choice. The stupid choice to skip class that day, resulting in turning my hw packet that day. Since in was a unexcused absence, I didn't get 2 days to make it up.
AT this point I just want school to be freaking OVER, that way I can move onto summer and get ride of this fat.
Btw, Owen gave me his number so I could text him to meet up to give him adrawing.
I was supposed to do that on Friday. And I didn't. I'm such a jerk. I wouldn't put it past him to think so. Why bother if he has a girlfriend. He's kinda a douche away. He calls me beautiful all the time, which he's obviously lying because he calls lots of others girls that, including Danika who he also calls skinny. Has he ever called me skinny? NO.
Just another man whore, move along folks.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Yep. Today was like any other average day. Feeling like fat and crappy, the week not going by fast enough, wondering why I have no natural beauty, hating my makeup and face. Yes this are my daily thoughts.
After school today my mom was taking me to get a TB test (tuberculosis). I can't have it if I want to volunteer in the zoo teen program. While we were their they said I was behind on a couple of shots and should do them today.
I really don't mind shots and blood doesn't freak me out or anything. I just don't really like the feeling of something going inside of me. So in a way I really wasn't mentally prepared for getting shots. In my head, I like to plan out my day, what things will happen and how I might react to them. So when something happens to me, It tends to throw me off guard.
Anyway, the TB test wasn't bad, just a a poke in my left wrist that made a bubble with my skin. (Weird huh? O_O) After that was the first shot on the same arm but on my shoulder. That one wasn't bad, hurt a little but felt like a bee sting. The second one was on my right shoulder and it hurt a more that the first. I physically could feel the needle inside of me, touching my muscle. Then it was over! I remember looking at my mom, saying "Ow that hurt.."
Then I was in dreamland.
I was woken up in laying flat down with 4 people around me, including my mom. Apparently, I had began convulsing and twitching when I was out of it, which really freaked my mom out. They made me lie down for another 10 minutes, telling me not to get up. Ever minute or so they would lift the chair up one notch.
Really quite strange, especially because I couldn't remember my dream which made me mad. All I remember were the colors. Red and yellow. It was odd because I thought my dream was real life, so it was like somebody was waking me up from real life.
My first words after waking up were: "Woah, that was cool. I had a dream and everything." hahaha.
Apparently right before I passed out I said "Uh oh" then looked around the room and then my head drooped. Which I don't remember. :P
Immediately they asked if I had eaten anythign that day, which I honestly had. A fruit smoothie for breakfast and a cheese bangle for lunch.
I believe the reason I fainted might have to do with it being the time of the month for me. :/ But ehh. My shoulders hurt but besides that I feel fine, it wasn't the first time I've fainted. Every little thing I do with my arms hurt. -_-
Just thought I'd let you guys in on my day.
Monday, May 9, 2011
That day was the day my brother was home so we all went to the mall. I'm going to be volunteering at the zoo this summer and part of the dress code is that you cant wear pants with holes in them. Since all my jeans have holes in them, my mom insists that we have to go shopping for two new pairs. -_- I was not looking forward to it, espesially with gaining 2 pounds from my period (I know I'm a failure, again). I tried on some jeans to make her happy and WHAT DO YOU FREAKKING KNOW, NONE OF THEM FIT AND I TRIED ON AT LEAST 15 PAIRS.
I couldn't even get them past my thighs. I had to use all my energy and will power not to cry right then and there. . I had to try on 'curvy' jeans. I used the excuse that I was feeling good and in the mood to buy so we didn't get anyway.
This just slams me in the face, telling me I'm fat, worthless and need to lose weight.
I would like to be 118 pounds again.
Then disappear completely.
What sucks even more is she wants to go back this weekend. fml. I've been putting this off to long. The zoo thing doesn't even start until June 5th, which is 4 weeks away. I just feel like it's a waste to buy these jeans at such a high weight when I'm just going to lose it over the sunmmer.
I am going to lose it over the summer.
Haven't had much to eat today. Just a cheese stick and a fiber one bar. Total: 210. The rest of my calories will be spent on whatever my mom makes for dinner. She told me that her and my dad are going out to dinner on Thursday- so I plan to fast that day.
And wtf, my internet is being so freaking slow. (not to mention, none of Pt's pages are loading, WTF) Ever since I've been downloading my new way it's made my computer a lot slower. >_> It's annoying. I'm thinking about saving up for some sort of separate hard drive for my music since I have over 3,000 songs (About 16.36 GB)
Hmm, definitely a possibly.
I was going to play the sims 2 and design some houses, but eh, my computer is being to slow. I guess I'll just do homework.
Yeah I'm, that cool.
AlwaysStriving- yes it exactly, It stresses me out because it send my whole food schedule off balance.
Oh good, yeah I was pretty sure that was wrong, thank you!
Meg- I know, it's just annoying. Pacman is pretty awesome, just got done playing it.
Liss- I know, it's awful. This why I complain all the time about going to college and summer. The less time spent with her, the better. It really freakin sucks about limewire being shut down. Try the orbit program! If you need any help, let me know. :)
No, they are awful, trust me. All my 'friends' have strait A's and it makes me feel freaking stupid.
Fat Lassie - Yeah sadly the tan is faded and I'm pale as ever again. -.- Eh, my hair, is so so. I use so much product on it.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Today has been suckish. Woke up late with a headache and went to my volunteer shift at the animal shelter. The people I work with kinda annoy me. It's actually not even that, they just rub me in the wrong way and I can't describe it. It's a mother and daughter and Idk they're just always happy and act like they're so Superior like they been volunteering longer than I have, when in reality they just started in April. (I've been there since January) They dance together and the daughter sings, which is one of my pet peeves. I freakin hate when people sing/hum in public, it's just annoying. There's a radio that's constantly playing music, mostly country which I hate. So I decided to change it and the daughter gave me a dirty look. o_O
It's like "ok, you don't own this radio, calm down. "
What freaks me out is they look insanely similar to Alicia, (A girl I used to be best friends with) and her mom. I pretty sure they're related or something because that's just freaky.
After we came home I was excited because my brother was home for mothers day and we were going to go to Changes, a Mongolian grill that is soo delicious. We had talked about in the morning and I had been looking forward to it all day. I hadn't eaten anything all day and was going to go here and just have a meal for the entire day.
But, only about 15 minutes ago my brother announced that he was going downtown to go to a Cinco De Mayo party with a bunch of his friends he hasn't seen in a while.
What the what. If you haven't heard already, Cinco de Mayo was 2 DAYS AGO. Jerk. In a way I'm thankful because I was already feeling anxiety about eating that big meal at changes. But in another way, I'm upset.
I'm tired of being always disappointed. When you have expectations it sets you up for disappointments, always. Which seems to be happening a lot to me lately. When I have something planned, I tend tot think ahead of time, thinking about how much fun it will be, what to do ect. So when something is canceled..something inside of me just feels hallowed out.
Sick. empty. sad.
I should have listened to Luke, he said the exact thing in Gilmore Girls. . (You are amazing if you know what I am referencing to)
So, after that disappointment...this what I ate instead:
1 Cheese stick: 70 calories
1 Packet of Wonka eggs: 170
4 Saltines: 240 (Supposedly, but that's what the calorie counter online says but it seems like way to much. )
Probably not going to have anymore. Feeling way to depressed and fat. Just going to sit around and play Pacman on my gamecube. cool beans.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
All she ever talks about is weight, deits, food, grades, school, body image, beauty and how thin people are.
It pisses me off. I already have those constant thoughts in my head and I sure don't need them from my judgmental mother, who doesn't even know what she is talking about.
I miss the times when we actually used to talk. I mean really talk. Now all it's about is superficial things, like thats all she thinks I'm made up of. Every time she complements me I just want to slap her. Not only because I don't belivive it, but she focuses on that so much it makes me feel thats all I'm ever going to be.
I feel like it hides me from who I really am, and I feel like when she talks about my beauty (which I don't even have) all the freaking time, that's all shes ever going to see.
Sorry, small rant over.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Just downloaded 144 songs over a span of two days. Heck yeah.
Ever since limewire shut down I was at a lose for downloading music. Someone suggested to me to covert youtube videos to mp3's. It worked for a while but I started realizing it made them a crappy quantity and took way to long. NOW. I AM USING THIS FREAKING AWESOME PROGRAM CALLED ORBIT.
I LOVE MY LIFE. I basically just record things that are playing.streaming from my computer. Whether it be from youtube, Pandora, grooveshark or tumblr. Ughhh so happy, not to mention, majority of the files come with album art, so everything looks pretty. :)
So yeah. That put me in a semi good mood. I'm not even going to to talk about my weekends at my friends house. I pulled an all-nighter, I can tell you that. Well...ok I guess I'll say a little more. I played badminton with Jacob (my friends house I stayed at, I've know him since like 3rd grade) and his little sister Olivia like all day Sunday because it was super nice out. I'm still sore but it was so much fun. Plus, I even got a little tan. ;) I told them next Sunday day we should all play again.
AT this point I just figured I won't be able to lose any weight until summer. School is to stressful and it makes me binge all the time. So whatever.
I'm trying not to weigh myself really until September, but eh, I think I will and not post it. It's so shameful its ridiculous.
But I will post this:
How much weight I would like to at least lose before school starts again in the fall. Even more than that if I can. Summer.
I simply can not wait for summer.
My grade went up to a 68% In algebra 2. Thats a whooping 7% difference, even though I just did really well on my last test and only missed 2. Still an effing D.
I'm such a failure. I only have two A's at the moment.
English: 81% Did really bad on a paper. This should improve soon because I've been doing well on quizzes.
Drawing 2: 97%
Economics: 84%. Should improve soon. Taking a test tomorrow and I'm studying super hard tonight for it.
ughh so awful.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The third wheel.
The one left out.
The stupid one.
The fat one.
Why bother trying.
My parents are going away for 3 days for a whine festival. I'm staying at a friends house and I am going to fast as much as I possibly can.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Once again, someone has canceled plants to hang out with me. For the third week in a row. Makes total sense, because nobody wants to hang out with a mindless, fat zombie like me.
I'm just so sick of people. I just want it to be summer. I just want to be anyway from all the douche bags at school that make feel like crap.
Nothing much else to say.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Sorry.sorry.sorry. It's been forever since I've posted (Over a week).
I'm shaking while writing this.
I think it was somewhere around either Friday of last week was when I found out that, Carrie, someone who I thought was one of my best friends, didn't even invite me to her own birthday party. I found out from someone with a loud mouth, talking about how awesome it was, then saying some inside joke to someone about pizza that happened at the party. And I just sat there, feeling like idiot.
Me and Carrie's friendship is confusing. When we are by ourselves, it's like nothing else matters. She told me how she used to have depression last year and has to go to therapy for it still.
I remember her exact words were: "If it weren't for my depression pills, I'm not sure where I'd be right now."
We talk about guys, and in the past we used to talk about god before I lost majority of my faith because of my ED. I've known her since kindergarten. She gets the weird, video gaming side of me and my artistic side.
Does she know how much that hurt me?
Do you know how much it hurts?
I am crying now, and I promised I wouldn't because thats all I've been doing lately.
Every. single. night.
God, I just feel awful. Of course I took in the normal way, binges for a couple of days in a row. Then when I went to the scale and saw I went up 4 pounds, I freaked. I'm on day 3 of my fast right now. The longest fast I've ever done. I feel so emotionally and physically drained. Probably will end the fast tomorrow.
Typing is hard. Holding my head up is hard, not only from the lack of energy but from shame. The shame in myself for trusting others again, only to be hurt, again.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Today was fine I guess. At lunch I had a couple of pretzels, I'm guess around 80 calories. Then I had my daily cheese and crackers. I was just getting ready to heat up some cup of noodles but then my dad came and yelled at me, for the dumbest thing ever. I left a pieces of paper on his desk. Accidentally.
He was like: "You always leave crap everywhere! This place is not you're dumping ground!"
I was already all the way up stairs and my hands were full with my soup and some other things.
Me:" Well, I can't grab right now can you just leave it on the stairs for me."
Him: "NO! the stairs is not a fucking filing cabinet for you shit! Pick it up now or I'll throw it away!"
Dumbest thing ever. I have no desire to eat the soup thats next to me now. It just screams worthless, fat and pathetic. Espesially bevause I went up in weight because of my period/ I'm such a failure. This is the first time it's come since....February or January I think. It's verry irregular due to endos and all that. -.-
So total calorie count today: 420.
I'm going to try not to have anymore. But I don't know how I'll do that because my mom hasn't made dinner yet. I'm going to go take a bath or something to calm my nerves, then work on a bunch of homework and study because I'm effing stupid and need to.
Owen is confusing me beyond end. Me literally taped me up today. He came up to me and said he had a present for me, then held up the tape and started taping in all around my body. I had had my hair up all day but decided to take it down. He taped my hair down!
Me: "Owen! You douche bag! When you went around my back you taped my hair along with it!"
Him: "Ohh dang. My Bad....I'm so sorry. :("
Me: "Get my some siccors or something- not that I can even move my arms. -.-"
It hurt like a mofo, The tap was stuck to my hair and I had to rip it off. It literally starting making me cry in class it hurt so bad. This kid named Zack who is really nice said: "Do you need some help?" With a totally nice/strait/sincere face. Me being the jerk I am said no. I've noticed him before. He seems..interesting, but sad in a strange way as well. Makes me wonder if everything is alright with him. But yeah, I ended up asking him if their was any tape still on my back and he said yes and started helping me. Then Owen finally jumped in and took over. -_- Douche bag.
It's like wtf are you doing, you have a girlfriend, stop flirting with every girl you see. Not to mention, her girlfriend is incredibly skinny.
Why would he find me pretty. I'm lifeless, soulless. The personality has been sucked out of me, causing me to hurt everyone around me. Don't become another one of my heartless victims.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I feel physically sick right now. With my life and everything in general. I was doing really well with food today then ate half of a brownie and now I want to throw up. I feel so awful.
I didn't go to school on Friday. WHY? Because I'm freaking wuss and a failure. I didn't want to go to any of my classes because I wasn't prepared. 2 out of 3 classes that day I was having tests. This isn't the first time I've done this. Nope. It's just so overwhelming. Around this time last night I checked my grade for algebra 2 online, just out of curiosity to see what I had gotten on a recent test. Not only did I get 31 out of 45 on the test ( 67%!?!?!) BUT MY HOMEWORK PACKET ASSIGNMENTS IS MISSING. Its a big 0/55 on my grade, making it a FUCKING D. (excuse my french, but I'm pissed). I spent all of last night crying myself to sleep because of that grade. Whats even worse is I don't think there's anything I can do. I turned that homework set in like 3 weeks ago and just now noticed it's missing. What does that say about me? To my teacher it will say:" lazy/doesn't care ect." Because I only just now noticed. I betting I forgot to put my name or something. but IDK would he have kept no names? Dear god I hope so.
Not to mention I got 36 out of 50 on a English paper. Which I already knew was going to be bad. It was so bad that my teacher asked me to stay after class. He said: " So, what happened? This is definitely not like your normal work. I was very surprised." So now I have a c in that class. He said next class he's going to talk about how people can make-up extra points on the paper. I'm going to start working on mine tomorrow. Everyday we have quizzes on the reading from last class and every single freaking time I read, I'm just not good at remembering! I even write it down and I forget! I always get 6-8 out of 10! Which also brings my grade down. Besides those horrible grades, I have all A's. I wrote down all my crappy grades on my piece of paper and taped on the ceiling directly above my head where I sleep. That way I can't avoid it.
But seriously, I feeling like the dumbest pieces of crap. And I really need a friend.
I'm spending my whole Sunday studying and doing extra work for school. I actually had a lot more to talk about what happened today but I got off on a tangent of school.
Off to do 300 sit-ups and jumping jackssss.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I found out that they're adding other year of P.E required for juniors next year!? WTF. This is sucks! And it's going to be co-ed! EFF MY LIFE. I don't want guys to see all my fat and feel like absolute crap like it did freshman year, seeing how skinny all the other girls were. Ugh. That sucked, everyday I dreaded that class. Plus I have a ridiculous amount of acne on my back. Disgusting I know. Its from working out at the gym. -_- I have that for motivation to lose at least 20 pounds by the end of summer. I just want summer now. I need it it turn everything around. Just like last time. Oh yes the memories.
I thought I'd show you guys what I looked like at my LW 118. Yeah it just my legs. Because back then I didn't even take pictures of my face I was so depressed. This was right before freshman year started and I was school shopping.
Looking back, I really wasn't as thin as I thought I was. But I'd kill to be the weight again.
On a gushy/weird side of things. I was talking to this kid today in my art class, I've mentioned him before, his name is Owen. I said this a couple of blog entries ago about him "He was one of the few guys I've ever felt relatively comfortable around. Same taste in music, really chill...ect. Sadly he has a girlfriend so I'm staying out of it. "
Yeah so basically he was like "I think you look really beautiful today."
And I just stared at him. Looking stupid and being the jerk I am.
"No honestly, you look really beautiful." He said with strait face and the whole table got silent.
I finally managed out a 'thanks'.
And then later he also said: "I thought you were really pretty last year- well this year to."
OK THIS IS GUY INSANE OR WHAT. He has a freaking girlfriend- a girl I've talked to on several occasions, a GIRLFRIEND he's had for the past year and half- and he's telling me this!? IDK about you, but if my boyfriend said this to other girl, I'd be pissed! NOT ONLY THAT, but he must be blind! i'msoeffingfat.
It doesn't matter though, I don't believe it, he's a flirt. He told my friend Danika that she was thing and pretty. So until I get the thin comment...I'm not believing it.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I need a break. Spring break is in 5 days. I'm going down to california. I just need space. I need to be alone in the car for hours, with just me and my music.
I need to be off the internet and PT. Luckily there is not cell phone service where I'm going, that includes internet. No more feeling like crap because nobody texts me. No more pretending to like everyone at my school.
I have 9 or so days to change and get back on track. And I plan to just that.
Goodbye, to anyone who cares. I'm leaving early on PT.
The Ultimate sad song. I don't know how many nights I have spent crying to this.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
to the point of disgust
I had in my sight
lack of vision
lack of light
I fell hard
I fell fast
it'll never last
then, in the dust
all the things
were thrown to the wind
so at last
'cuz we fall hard
we fall fast
it'll never last
I love this song. Its so soothing. Makes me think of floating on top of cool water, my hands barely skimming the surface. My white silk dress lingering on the water, slowly sinking into it's depths. My lips turn blue, my eyes soulless. And then I drifted downward in the water, letting it cradle me into my depression.
This is my way of saying everything freaking sucks. There something very soothing about water. So easy going and pure, untouched by man. It flows through everything that lives. It starts new lives and saves others. I wish I lived my a stream or some sort of river.
Really theres not much else to say. Nobody is listening anyway.
Darling, oh darling you amuse me with your ignorant ways.
Monday, February 21, 2011
I can't even. I'm pathetiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic and worthless. I can't help but thinking it over and over in my mind. I was looking at some old photos of myself and........I can't even explain it. I'm crying and I can't stop. Tonight I'm crying myself to sleep again, slowly cooing myself back into my darkness.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
First off let me say I saw Devin talking to FREAKING Alicia. Like there buddies. FU-SDJAGOHKASD. Like wth how long have they known each other. This is freaking great. Of course when I saw them, I got that pit feeling in my stomach. The voice in my head said:
"Your freaking idiot. If you would have apologized with Alicia instead of being a jerk you could be sitting them right now. You could be talking to him. "
The image of them talking kept going over and over in my mind last night when I couldn't sleep.
Then, today was the first day of the second semester for me classes 1-4. I was excited because I would be starting drawing. Well guess what, freakin Danika AKA SLUT (and my so called 'friend' -_-), talked to this kid named Owen the entire class time in Drawing2. I felt like such a third wheel. He was one of the few guys I've ever felt relatively comfortable around. Same taste in music, really chill...ect. Sadly he has a girlfriend so I'm staying out of it. But apparently Danika didn't get that message. Her big freaking boobs were hanging out of her shirt and at every little thing he said she giggled like a maniac.
At least at the end of class me wrote on a paper of songs I should look up and gave it to me. So that made me feel a little better. I'm going to save it. Yes, I'm pathetic, you didn't know that already?
Also. Calorie count today was crap.
Chocolate muffin: 690. AKSJDH.
2 Poptarts: 400. fml
Wendy's Jr. Buger: 230
Fiber One bar: 140
Can you tell I was emotionally eating today. I'm pissed. I was doing so well. I know it could have been A LOT WORSE so...ugh. But I've decided it wasn't a binge because I felt in control the entire time. Thats whats said about it. -_-
Anyway. Lately I've been really obsessed with the sun, whether it be rising or setting. Something about it is really beautiful.I took some pictures. So here they are.
x. You are to late, I took them down.
Nothing has changed from my post "How I cry for You". Nothing. I feel so empty. For the first time in months I've been staying under my restricted calorie limit of 800 calories. Normally I would have been ecstatic that I manged to stay under.
But. It just doesn't feel like it's good enough. It's never going to be good enough. I really want to lose 20 pounds by spring break and I just feel like I'm to much of a failure to do it. I mean...I've lost 22 pounds over the summer before. That was when me ED first started off and I was only anorexic. I ate under 500 calories every day...sometimes less. Did anywhere from 200-400 sit ups a day. But not other exercise.
It's weird to even think back on. It all just seems like a dream, like it wasn't really. But I know it was. Because I remember ever freaking night I stayed up crying, thinking I was good enough.
It;s all coming back though. The same feelings before that originally started my ED. I can't feel them.
Going to try and stay under 500 tomorrow. Fasting on Friday.
Cotton balls are my best friend as of late.
Something is wrong with me. Without a doubt in my mind.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Enjoy! The first of many I hope. Please ignore how hideously fat and ugly I am.
X. Video taken down
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I just space out so much more easily again. I was laying on the ground on a sun spot in my room today because it felt warm. Next thing I knew it was 30 minutes later. The same thoughts going over and over in my mind, like a conveyor belt.
Why. can't. i. be. pretty. like. her.
Why .can't .i .be .thin. like .them.
Why .can't .i .be .happy.
WHY WHY WHY.
The crying myself to sleep every night is coming back as well. I know the signs of crying by heart. The sudden flash of old memories, the thoughts that slam inside my head. Telling me I'm never going to be good enough. This is around the time when my nose starts to tingle, starting from the bottom going up, making me wrinkle it repeatedly. "I'm not crying, I can't do this now." The tightening in my chest begins, along with it's best friend, quickened breathing. My throat begins to close, feeling like I can't breathe. Then, it starts slowly. The tears build up around the rim of my eyelids, threatening to overflow at one blink, one movement, one memory. I think to myself "I have to push it aside, not here, not now. You must keep up the act." The plastered on smile seeps onto my face again, like a leach. After blinking multiple times, the tears reside slowly back in, waiting for their time again. Air comes through like I had been holding my breath under water, resurfacing for the first time. The feeling that my chest is compressed lets up, but then is replaced by the sickening feeling of guilt and disgust in my stomach. Weakness. I will do better.
Yes, this is my life. Doubt anyone read that
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I'm never good enough. I'm not even good enough to be on PT. Worthless. Pathetic. I need to be down 20 pounds by spring break. I'm not coming on PT until I've lost at least 5-10 pounds. I'm disappearing. from the face of the earth.
Going to paint. Going to paint way my problems. Then clean my room. And study for my 8 different finals. Which I will all fail. Never good enough. No matter how hard I try...I will just mess up.
No more. No more. Time to do 200 more sit ups. It's coming back. It's all coming back. I don't expect anyone to understand this incoherent blog. Don't even bother commenting. I'm not worth your time.
Live and let live in solitude.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Ugh..not feeling to good. Just spent a half an hour in the bathroom. I have been basically binging like a crap load lately. Way more than I normal do. Everyday was 1500-3000 calories. I went into the bathroom today to see my weight. Judgment time. 4 pounds. UP 4 FREAKING POUNDS. I basically flipped and and took a crap load of laxatives. Even though I know they only get rid of water weight, my sane mind wasn't listening. It never is.
Now I feel like utter crap and I have tons of homework to do and I have to study for tests. I'm scared for finals. They're in two weeks Mostly I'm just worried about chemistry and Government. I hate government and have missed a lot of chemistry classes. ugh.
I haven't been on PT lately because I laced motivation and was so ashamed of my binging. I felt worthless like I wasn't even good enough for the people on PT. I'm sick of being the fat shy girl in the room. I want to be the gorgeous skinny girl in my algebra 2 class. I want to the confident girl in my health class. I want to be the girl with gorgeous legs and hair in my government class. Why can't I have good skin or hair?! Why do i have to work for everything and others get things handed to them? Some people are skinny all their lives and don't even think twice about it. I think about it all the time.
My metabolism has basically gone in the trash. I swear anything I eat makes me gain instantly. I went to the gym twice this weekend which is unusual for me. That reminds me, I got stuck in my gym this weekend. They closed down while me and my mom were working out. Closed up and everything. We couldn't get out because the doors were locked so we had to call the police. He came and told us to go through all the staff's desk's to look for the manager's business card...ect. They literally left the main radio going, half the lights, and the TV'S! So wasteful! I was pissed at the time because they blamed it on us, not hearing the page over the intercom it was closing. BUT HELLO, People exercise with music in, idiots. -_-
I'm over it, I guess. I'm just tired. I need to take a cold show to clear my head. I still don't feel to good from the laxatives. Then I'm off to study. byeee.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Lets see, on Thursday my mom's friends came over, along with their kids and husbands. It was a miserable. There was a kid that came, his name was Chase. I've know him my entire life and he bugs THE FREAKING CRAP OUT OF ME. He's has ADHD and act's like a know it all and it pisses me off. Whats worse, is that he likes me. Or at least he used to. He told me that in 7th grade. Crossing my fingers he's moved on. -_-
On Friday I went to a friend's house for a party. It was really awkward at first but then things kicked off. It was just a chill party though. It made me realized how incredibly lame I am. But later in the party we made each other faint. Yeah, that's right, faint. LIKE THIS (not my video). It was kinda fun. I know I shouldn't joke about this, knowing people with ED's can blackout/faint. I've come close but never have. This was trippy though. Everyone reacted differently. Some people twitched a crap load, some people rolled there eyes...ect. I just went down. I fell own sluggishly, like I feel asleep. Apparently I took the longest to wake up. o_O I even had a dream. It was weird, they filmed me fainting so that's how I know what happened. Later we did the cinnamon test to, but I didn't participate. XD
Now here comes the depressing part of the night. When everybody left but 4 people including me to sleep over. Everyone was changing right in there, and I realized how incredibly fat I was. Every single person there was skinnier than me. One girl was a cheerleader and she had abs. Incredibly amazing body. She was perfect and peite. Whats worse is she used to have no boobs and be shorter and all the sudden she had a growth spurt and now she's gorgeous, confident...ect. She had naturally beauty and ughhh. Apparently her "big sexy hair" is what attracts all the guys to her. I want her hair to. It's gorgeous. Long, red and wavy.
EVERYONE THERE HAD NATURAL BEAUTY EXPECT ME. WTF. 'm determined to be beautiful and thin this year. I want to be happy. I need to be happy. There's a sandwich next to me, and it's going down the toilet. No more food today. I'm cracking down. I have to do this.
Off to workout with my reebok easy tone shoes.