Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'm going in for the Kill

Nothing has changed from my post "How I cry for You". Nothing. I feel so empty. For the first time in months I've been staying under my restricted calorie limit of 800 calories. Normally I would have been ecstatic that I manged to stay under.

But. It just doesn't feel like it's good enough. It's never going to be good enough. I really want to lose 20 pounds by spring break and I just feel like I'm to much of a failure to do it. I mean...I've lost 22 pounds over the summer before. That was when me ED first started off and I was only anorexic. I ate under 500 calories every day...sometimes less. Did anywhere from 200-400 sit ups a day. But not other exercise.

It's weird to even think back on. It all just seems like a dream, like it wasn't really. But I know it was. Because I remember ever freaking night I stayed up crying, thinking I was good enough.

It;s all coming back though. The same feelings before that originally started my ED. I can't feel them.

Going to try and stay under 500 tomorrow. Fasting on Friday.
Cotton balls are my best friend as of late.
Something is wrong with me. Without a doubt in my mind.

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