Monday, October 18, 2010

My Silent Fortress.

God, I wish I had a best friend.

I used to have a best friend. We had been friends on and off for three years and always got in fights. But somehow, we always found our way back to each other because we realized life sucked without having each other. She was the only person that ever fully understood me. I could be totally myself around her. We had so many inside jokes and hung out every other day.

We had our own characters and would role play with them through writing. We used to read the same books and watch the same movies. As the way I used to put it, we disagreed on things that didn't matter, and agreed on the things that did. So things were never boring.

I basically screwed everything up. Well, she did first but then I was to much of a stubborn jerk to forgive her the two times she came to apologize to me.

I really miss her and without her I feel like something is missing. But I think its to late to do anything about it. I think I've changed and she has as well so it wouldn't feel the same. I can honestly say I haven't felt happy since I lost her as a friend.

Another post from PT. Eventually I'll post an update about whta is going on in my life. Here's a preview:

  • guys suck
  • Finally curled my hair sorta.
  • so lonely.
  • my mom is PISSING ME OFF.
so basically the same old crap.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm suffocating here, I can't stand it.

This post was taken strait from PT. I though I should let you guys know how this ED has screwed me up socially.

"Because of this ED I'm basically socially behind all my friends by at least 3 years.

I can barely hold up conversations with people I don't know. Small talk is boring and pointless to me. I can't go through an entire conversation in my life now without over analyzing everything they say and how to react. I feel like I've forgotten how to act&react emotional in conversations because I've been faking it for so long. Faking I'm happy, sad, jealous and even angry just to make sure I appear normal to people around me.

I stopped looking people in the eyes a year ago and literally have to force myself to do so. A lot of times I drift in and out of conversations so half the time I don't even know what people are talking to me about. Judging about how they end their last sentence I counter act. If something they said sound like they were trying to be funny, I chuckle and force a smile. Basically most of my responses to things now are "haha yeah."

I used to not care about what came out my mouth and who judged me on it. I had no filter. Now I constantly filter everything I say. I even go as so far writing notes in my phone on topics to say to certain people.

I'm so f*cked up socially it's ridiculous. I've never had a boyfriend or even gotten close. Because of this ED I don't let anybody get close to me in fear of them knowing about my ED. The last two friends I even let get remotely close to me concerning my ED ditched me and didn't look back. So because of this as well, I have trust issues and always are questioning other people's motives."

I'm pretty sure I'm screwed up beyond repair. The word recovery to me is empty and meaningless.