Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I got called beautiful today by a boy.......

Well hay hay hay back from vay-cay. (That remind in my head, I don't know about you.) Spring break was fine I guess. I hiked a crap load but ate a bunch on junk food, some how still lost 2 pounds. I'm not all that hyped about it though. I go up or down 2 pounds like every week. I know I can't keep slacking forever.

I found out that they're adding other year of P.E required for juniors next year!? WTF. This is sucks! And it's going to be co-ed! EFF MY LIFE. I don't want guys to see all my fat and feel like absolute crap like it did freshman year, seeing how skinny all the other girls were. Ugh. That sucked, everyday I dreaded that class. Plus I have a ridiculous amount of acne on my back. Disgusting I know. Its from working out at the gym. -_- I have that for motivation to lose at least 20 pounds by the end of summer. I just want summer now. I need it it turn everything around. Just like last time. Oh yes the memories.
I thought I'd show you guys what I looked like at my LW 118. Yeah it just my legs. Because back then I didn't even take pictures of my face I was so depressed. This was right before freshman year started and I was school shopping.

Looking back, I really wasn't as thin as I thought I was. But I'd kill to be the weight again.

On a gushy/weird side of things. I was talking to this kid today in my art class, I've mentioned him before, his name is Owen. I said this a couple of blog entries ago about him "He was one of the few guys I've ever felt relatively comfortable around. Same taste in music, really chill...ect. Sadly he has a girlfriend so I'm staying out of it. "
Yeah so basically he was like "I think you look really beautiful today."

And I just stared at him. Looking stupid and being the jerk I am.
"No honestly, you look really beautiful." He said with strait face and the whole table got silent.
I finally managed out a 'thanks'.

And then later he also said: "I thought you were really pretty last year- well this year to."

OK THIS IS GUY INSANE OR WHAT. He has a freaking girlfriend- a girl I've talked to on several occasions, a GIRLFRIEND he's had for the past year and half- and he's telling me this!? IDK about you, but if my boyfriend said this to other girl, I'd be pissed! NOT ONLY THAT, but he must be blind! i'msoeffingfat.

It doesn't matter though, I don't believe it, he's a flirt. He told my friend Danika that she was thing and pretty. So until I get the thin comment...I'm not believing it.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Lack of Vision

I need a break. Spring break is in 5 days. I'm going down to california. I just need space. I need to be alone in the car for hours, with just me and my music.
I need to be off the internet and PT. Luckily there is not cell phone service where I'm going, that includes internet. No more feeling like crap because nobody texts me. No more pretending to like everyone at my school.
9 Days.
I have 9 or so days to change and get back on track. And I plan to just that.
Goodbye, to anyone who cares. I'm leaving early on PT.
Thats all.

The Ultimate sad song. I don't know how many nights I have spent crying to this.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Point of Digust

once, I was lost
to the point of disgust
I had in my sight
lack of vision
lack of light
I fell hard
I fell fast
mercy me
it'll never last

then, in the dust
all the things
we discussed
were thrown to the wind
so at last
we begin
'cuz we fall hard
we fall fast
mercy me
it'll never last

I love this song. Its so soothing. Makes me think of floating on top of cool water, my hands barely skimming the surface. My white silk dress lingering on the water, slowly sinking into it's depths. My lips turn blue, my eyes soulless. And then I drifted downward in the water, letting it cradle me into my depression.

This is my way of saying everything freaking sucks.
There something very soothing about water. So easy going and pure, untouched by man. It flows through everything that lives. It starts new lives and saves others. I wish I lived my a stream or some sort of river.

Really theres not much else to say. Nobody is listening anyway.
Darling, oh darling you amuse me with your ignorant ways.