Monday, December 27, 2010

My selfish reasons.

I've been feeling more down that usually lately. I just worthless and depressed. Not that anyone cares.

Nobody cares. Nobody truly cares. I've just been feeling less loved everywhere. I mean, I've always felt out of the loop with my friends and such, so much to the point it is my daily life now and I'm just used it. That stuff made me cry myself to sleep every night a year ago. But now, I feel like even people on PT don't care. If you think about it, we're all here for our own selfish reasons.

What kills me the most about my ED, is that it's all about it me, you know? I feel so selfish. I just want to yell and myself and be like "god why can't you take a little time out of your day to care for someone else for once and your life?!" But then I realize, I've tried to care for other people before, but I just end up getting hurt because they couldn't care for me the same way I could for them.

I'm going to clean my room. Then later play the sims 2 and even paint if I have time. Not like it matters, it will just suck anyway. Ugh. School is coming up. I have to back to school exactly a week from now. This break went by way to fast. I have to spend all of January of my break because I have a crap loud of homework. fml.

I would post of my pictures for last week, but I feel to lazy to do so. Plus I'm so fat in them there's no point in even posting.

Friday, December 24, 2010

The show must go on.

It is literally taking all my energy to type this right now. All I want to do is sleep, and put this day behind me.

I can't even talk about it. Just thinking about it making me cry. How can I sum this up? Basically, like every year, my family went around today pretending like everything was perfect and oh so great. That we were some "cookie cutter" perfect family with no problems. The kind you see on TV. Of course it all blew up in our face.

Long story short, my dad got really pissed of at me or something INCREDIBLY SMALL. AND FOR SOME STUPID REASON, my mom chose today of all days to stand up for me and and herself. Thus, ensued the worst argument my parents have ever had. Things were thrown. All before our guests would be arriving in 5 minutes. My dad came inches away from hitting me, but instead took his anger out on the door which he punched a hole through.

At this point, I'm crying my eyes out and my makeup is smearing. The doorbell rings and everybody goes silent. There are multiple things that happened at once. I ran to the bathroom, my dad answered the door with a bright cheery face, and my mom and brother oftered to get the first guest a drink and take their coat. I came out of the bathroom 2 minutes later, fighting to keep myself together. Luckily the first people that arrived were my cousins that are only 4 and 7 years old. So all they said was "do you have something in your eyes? :P " And my response was I had gotten hairspray in my eyes.

I spent the entire evening fighting to keep the tears back, keeping myself distracted by playing with my cousins, then later sneaking them my chocolate I didn't want. I ate food to please my mom. Had one square of gerideli chocolate. I ate it mindlessly. When I finished it I didn't even remember what I had been eating. It feels weird, not having totally indulged in my family meal. I was sick to eat. I didn't even finish all my food, because for once in my life, I actually wasn't feeling good. Not just lying saying I was sick to get out of a meal.

I avoided all eye contact with my dad for the rest of the night, I didn't even go near him. His face sickens me. I don't even know how my parents are still together. Staying together for the kids, I suppose. What worse is that they just invited me to watch a movie downstairs with them like everything is ok. WTF. Thats my family for you. Repress your feelings and pretend like nothing happened. The show must go on. Thanks for passing those genes on. -_-

-->Apparently, when you go to college, if gives you the right to cuss. My brother comes home from college and is now cussing, even through he swore he never would and that he didn't like "cuss words". Not that I care, it's just I grew up with my dads angry rages where all I would hear was fuck you, to hell with you ect. so it's not like I don't know what they are. They just...disturb me. They rub me the wrong way since my childhood is associated with that. Cusswords>dads angry fits of rage> me crying myself to sleep at night in elementary school.

whatever. Screw this. Screw Christmas. Screw them. I'm going to bed early to do 300 sit ups and 200+ squats.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Where you going to go with a head that emtpy?

Today was an ok today. It started off terrible. I only got 6 hours of sleep so I didn't go to church this morning with my brother like he wanted me to. So for the 30 minutes that he waited for his ride, all he did was complain about me, what a horrible person I am..ect. And I could hear it all. Plus the comments my mom was making as well.

It never occurred to me that he need me to go though. I had forgotten how his ex would be there and her family freaking hates my brother. I'm such a Jerk.

Then we he came home, of course, he acted like nothing happened,. This seems to be a family trait. Bottle everything up and every once and a while have mental breakdowns then move on with your life. Yep, my family.

After this we all went out into gorge and went on a hike. It was freezing and snowing. It was a stupid hike we've done many times before but whatever. At least it's exercise. Then later we got soup and fries. I had only a cup of soup..but a bit to much french fries. For the entire day I had some hot chocolate (80 cals), two rice crispy treasts (180), two applesauces (100) But pluce the uncounted calories I'm guess 500-800 calories. Which kind of sucks because I was going for 500. Oh well.

I'm off to download songs. Before I go, I'm going to start this thing called "My week in Pictures" where basically I just show pictures from my week. That should pretty things up for my blog. Yeah. so. Bye, here are the pictures. :)

oh and AJDHASK it finally started freaking snowing! So expect pictures of that. XD
Click on pictures for larger more high quality versions. :) They are in order of when I took them. (with my new camera!)


My Nail Polish/ Our Christmas tree from the top of the stairs

Picture from hike/ Snow in Front of my house(and Candy Cane lights XD)

More lights in front of my house, wrapped around pillars and on the bushes.

Thanks for looking. Hope you all are well. xx

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I don't want to work it out anymore.

I'm. really. bored. It's like 11:30 at night, and I just finished watching two Kim Possible movies on youtube and a couple episodes of 6teen. I miss my childhood. -_-

Today sucked. I basically stayed up til 12 last night doing homework which I didn't even end of finishing.I only got 6 hours of freaking sleep. I had a test in Algebra 2 I didn't even study for and I just realized I got the first two answer wrong. ffffffffudge. That just kills me. Stupid stupid me. If I would have just checked them, I would have saw my mistakes. Of courses I checked all the ones on the back, so that should be ok. But the ones on the front I screwed up on.

Not only that, but In government I got my Bibliography back with a low score on it. Which I was supposed to edit and add 2 more sources for my official Outline which was turned into today. Pretty sure I'm going to fail that to. This sucks. Government sucks. It's the only lass I have a C in and it's all because I was to FREAKING LAZY to do currents events in the beginning on the year. I hate my stupid, procrastinating fat self. -_- FAILURE.

Luckily the Chemistry quiz was postponed because I don't know half the crap we're doing in that class. I hate that class to. I'm so incredibly awkward in that class. Thank god it's winter break.


I was thinking that I really should put more colors and creativity into my blogs. Plan on seeing that crap. Also, might start putting thinspo pictures in my blog. But no promises.

Tomorrow I have to go to the mall with my friends. We've been planning it for like a month and we finally all found a date when we could go. but I really I've been making up excuses not to. I know it's going to be an all day thing. So mom will make me eat breakfast before i leave, will have to eat at the mall not to arise suspicion. Then home just in time for dinner. LUCKY ME. I'm a horrible person. I know they've probably texted me for time to meet up, but my phone is in my brothers cars, so there really nothing I can do about that. still though. I'm a jerk.

Other news, I sadly finished this amazing book today. The second I got home I sat down and read it. It's called the Hunger Games and I loved it. @____@ It's the first in the series and the next to are already and and I'm so flippin excited. I might just pick up a copy with out with Danika and Lindsey. Then again...they've never been really ones for reading in their free time.

Wow. I'm such a fake, afraid of being judgmental jerk. To top it off, a fat failure who procrastinates. UGH. CRAP TODAY SUCKED OK. I know it could have been worse...I've had a lot worse. Ugh school is just stressing me out and my effing acne is pissing me off. There, I said it. -_-

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Things are maybe looking up?

WELL. Hey there! For once I'm actually in an ok mood- I'm kind gushy almost really. For a couple of reasons. WARNING:I'M PATHETIC.

Today started off bad because I woke up late and had to rush to get ready for school. Because of this, I didn't have time to set out a fake bowl of finished cereal to make it look like I had eaten breakfast. I always have to do this or my mom literally will force food down me and question me about it. I didn't do it because I didn't wake up at my regular time, I wasn't up before her. She made me eat this weird Cinnamon cereal bar thing. Which was 140 calories and was so good. (sadly) I'm glad it's the last one though. With my brother being home Christmas he eats majority of the bad food around so I don't have to worry much.

I like having my brother home, but he can say really mean things that lead to me to crying all night. He's been home for like a week now and has only made me cry twice, so that's good.

ANYWAY, got on a tangent there- back to my day. Most of it's guy related but I'm going to get right to it. Ok. Heres where the pathetic comes in...a guy asked for my number today. sdjkf. Thats literally never happened before! (I'm so lame) The few times I've talked to guys in the past, I got their number's from my friends like Carrie. Anyway though, my phone was dead and I had recently gotten a new number so I couldn't tell him. Then he asked if I had a facebook and I said no because I hate social net working sites. So instead he gave me his number and told me to text him. In all honestly, I'm probably not going to text him. He's nice, but sort of a creep/douche. He hangs out with all these obnoxious kids in my class and I already know by just seeing the way he acts in class, we won't get along. I know, I'm a b-otch. :/

Another guy thing that happened today...I clearly saw Devin stareing at me today multiple times. And when I caught him looking at me one of the times, he didn't stop looking at me. GDFSUHGSKDF :D. But then he looked at this friend and laughed then looked back me and smiled. So I can't help but have that gnawing feeling in stomach and there's a joke between his friend about me. How pathetic I am. How fat I am. How and ugly girl can be even looking at him. Buttttt trying to stay positive. sigh.

AND HERES the big part, he actually talked to me, (DOUBLE DOES ON LAMENESS/BEING PATHETIC) It was a really simple sentence, though. I was passing out cookies as instructed by the sub in health class. And welll this is what happened:

Me: " want a cookie?" :)
him: "Yeah sure, can I have two?" *smiles up at me adorably* :D
Me: "sure go ahead."
Him:" Alright cool. thanks. Hey your in my spanish class right?"
Me: "ahh yes."

Then I walked away because I had to pass out the rest of the cookies. I know I'm so lame. But that quick conversation filled me with hope and gushyness. I know that he was just trying to be cool though, because he's also in my English class (plus health and spanish. so 3/4 classes that day) and he had clearly seen me in his English class before and spanish class. Especially in spanish because the teacher has notecards with all our names on them so everybody in class gets called evenly on all questions. I'm pretty sure I've felt the entire room starting at me when I've said something stupid out loud that was wrong. So yes he's obviously seen before.

Still though. I just feel...gushy. Yep. And I ate ok for food wise today. Turns on the random weight gain I had a couple of days ago is my my monthly gift. :P (My really comes every other month though because of my ED and binging. Its really irregular) Anyway! So that lightened my mood to, knowing that my metabolism is going to be extra high during this time. YEAY I can actually burn some fat off for once. So things are ...alright!

OH. AND HELLO to my 7 followers! You all have left such nice comments and I plan to fallow you all back!

Wow, that was a long post. Ah well. Why don't you check out this vide0, It makes me laugh and hopefully it will perk up your mood if your feeling down:

The Schnitzel Song

hahah. SO creepy but funny. I love hoodwinked. Have a good day, I hope you enjoyed it. :)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

How did you get this way?

Failure is becoming apart of my daily life now. Everyday now I'm binging. And because of the really bad one I had a couple days ago...I'm up 2 pounds. fml. I have no emotions left. I feel like at this point I'm so used to it, it doesn't make a difference. Though, at the end of the day I went down pound. It still doesn't make much of a difference on the other two pounds I gained a couple of weeks back.

ugh..I just. can't even..

Everyday I think about this crap. Every hour. Every minute. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about it. The way I see it...the only way I can be truly happy, confident AND have a BF is if I'm thin.

Yet, it still doesn't feel like enough incentive. I just feel so emotionless. I've grown so apathetic towards my ED.

On the 'light' side of things, I got my new camera today.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Where did all the control go.

Stupid. stupid..stupid. miserable failure.

Can you guess how my fast went? Today sucked. I was doing fine fast wise untill OF COURSE dinner time when I was home alone. God this is just to the point now where it's pissing me off. I'M GOING TO START COUNTING BINGE FREE DAYS TOMORROW. I believe I ate anywhere from 1000-1500. I'm to pissed/depressed/stressed to count them all up right now.

What happened to me. I used to be so in control. I actually went months without binging. The very though of food grossed me out. Fasting was easy. I think this was when I was in the very middle of my ED, when I was only anorexic. But now that I'm always floating in this area between relapsing and recovery...I'm now EDNOS and anorexia. I remember the summer from 8th to freshman year of high school. I actually had an incentive to fast and restrict. I remember exactly what I ate almost every day.

Cran-rasberry juice frozen into ice cubes. Sometimes wheat thins or cheese sticks. And that was it. Everyday. The weird thing is, I didn't judge what i ate on calories, I Judged on quantity. I have absolutely no idea how I managed this. I could never do that now. I always know the calorie content on everything. I HAVE TO KNOW. Weird thing also is that I didn't really exercise either. The only thing I did was anywhere from 100-400 crunches a day, because back then I was super paranoid about my stomach.

Ugh. this week has been crap. If I'm not even exposed to Christmas foods now and I'm binging, how the heck am I not going to binge during Christmas!?!?

AND WHAT THE HECK, I've tried to change my blog layout like a million times and its not working. It's really PISSING ME OFF.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I'm tired of this never ending cycle.

Ok. So, I'm and idiot because I FINALLY just figured out how to see if people are fallowing me. And guess what? Nobody is. -_- wow I'm cool.

I mean I didn't expect like 20 people or anything...but I though maybe a few people would care. I'm fallowing about 20 of you guys from PT. But no one is fallowing me back? Excuse me if I sound selfish or conceited...but I dunno, that just kind of hurts. Maybe it's a problem with blogger, or many you guys couldn't fallow because I didn't put the fallowing thing? I'm not sure. But it just slaps me in the face and reminds me that I really have no one. No one.

I'm fasting tomorrow because I'm pathetic and I don't deserve to eat. My mom is downtown that whole day and then is going to some work dinner thing so it works out well. I'm going to start counting my binge free days again, because that kept me from binging 2 summers ago when I lost my initial 20 pounds. I'm going to work out a crap load on Christmas break. I want to lose weight. I'm so tired of putting it all off. NOW. I MUST BE THIN NOW.

Well. I guess I'm off to do homework. Not that anyone cares.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Trying to stay Binge free.

Another Post from PT. My suggestions on trying not to binge. This is what works well for me, so i can't guarantee they will work well for you. xx

Look up tons of thinspo on the internet. And I mean ANYWHERE. Go on google and search your favorite people that are thin (actors, musicians, models...ect). Save them to an album on your computer, or if it's shared, into and account on photo bucket. Look up every single Victoria secret model and save pictures of them to. Look up fashion blogs on tumblr. Save all your favorite photos to an album then watch a slide show of them.

I recently started doing this about a week ago. It really helps with binges. Every time you want to binge you just watch the slide show. Mine has over 200 pictures and I watch it on the slowest speed possible. It takes a REALLY long time to watch it. And don't let yourself skip photos!

You can also try-

addicitng games

cleaning your room

make a thinspo journal

WATCH THIS MOVIE: Angus Thongs And Perfect Snogging

Look up clothes on the internet at your favorite stores.look op fail videos on youtube...ect. Anything that comes to mind. If you have to, count to 100 the slowest you most possibly can looking at the ceiling. Everything you reach another number, name a reason to be thin, why you strong, why food is gross..ect

Monday, November 8, 2010

It won't let go.

He must be insane.
Or blind and stupid. What is he seeing? I'm a fat ugly cow. My thighs jiggle and are huge. I have terrible skin. what does he see that I don't see.

DFJSGFFGGF. Just a really stressful confusing day.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Riot on the radio.

well hello there, deserted blog, I've missed you.

BASICALLY. My life is such utter crap. I've been binging like crazy lately because of stress. I fast all day at school and then I come home and eat anywhere from 500-1500 calories. I've gained 4 pounds and haven't been working out at all. Not one bit. I've lost control and have gone back to my depressed mode. At this point, I'm seriously starting to think that I have a binge eating disorder. It's that bad.

The reason I'm stressed is because of school. My grades are horrible and PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS SUCKS. The teacher is so stupid, he doesn't help me at all and whenever I say the film didn't develop he just shrugs his FEAKING SHOULDERS. The thing about me is that I'm procrastinating perfectionist. I wait until the last moment to do everything. And when I get there I'm super stressed because I have no time to do it and it needs to be perfect. This ED has seriously made me so OCD. Or maybe the OCD made me have an ED? At this point I don't care.

I just feel so lost and depressed. This isn't normal. What is normal? Definitely not me. I haven't felt normal in....I don't remember when I've felt normal.

Last week in class had an emotional breakdown. I was so stressed about always staying after for photography (not to mention putting in 3x the extra work and still doing terrible) that literally anything could set me off. That day, Ryan Jacobs (AKA DOUCHE BAG) was the the thing that tipped me over the edge. I can't remember how it happened. Basically Ryan is a jerk and always says really mean, degrading things about me and women. He's very sexist and KJSDGK I HATE HIM. He said something to me and I just couldn't hold it in, I started crying. At first I tried to ignore it, telling people I had allergies (which I don't) and that my mascara was in my eyes. Finally I got up, went to the bathroom and literally cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes. I reapplied my makeup and came back to class, still just claiming that my eyes were irritated. The teacher was mad because I was gone so long so I told him that my mom called me while I was in there for an excuse. More lies. Piling up one after another.

Sadly, this was the day that I had Devin in 3 out of my four classes. And he saw me cry. So now not only does he think I'm a pathetic loser with no friends and a mute, I'm now a crazy emotional girl teenager who cries. -_- I can't even look at him. I can't even look at me.

Somebody help me through this. I need to get out of this shitty cycle so I can be happy for once in my life.

Monday, October 18, 2010

My Silent Fortress.

God, I wish I had a best friend.

I used to have a best friend. We had been friends on and off for three years and always got in fights. But somehow, we always found our way back to each other because we realized life sucked without having each other. She was the only person that ever fully understood me. I could be totally myself around her. We had so many inside jokes and hung out every other day.

We had our own characters and would role play with them through writing. We used to read the same books and watch the same movies. As the way I used to put it, we disagreed on things that didn't matter, and agreed on the things that did. So things were never boring.

I basically screwed everything up. Well, she did first but then I was to much of a stubborn jerk to forgive her the two times she came to apologize to me.

I really miss her and without her I feel like something is missing. But I think its to late to do anything about it. I think I've changed and she has as well so it wouldn't feel the same. I can honestly say I haven't felt happy since I lost her as a friend.

Another post from PT. Eventually I'll post an update about whta is going on in my life. Here's a preview:

  • guys suck
  • Finally curled my hair sorta.
  • so lonely.
  • my mom is PISSING ME OFF.
so basically the same old crap.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm suffocating here, I can't stand it.

This post was taken strait from PT. I though I should let you guys know how this ED has screwed me up socially.

"Because of this ED I'm basically socially behind all my friends by at least 3 years.

I can barely hold up conversations with people I don't know. Small talk is boring and pointless to me. I can't go through an entire conversation in my life now without over analyzing everything they say and how to react. I feel like I've forgotten how to act&react emotional in conversations because I've been faking it for so long. Faking I'm happy, sad, jealous and even angry just to make sure I appear normal to people around me.

I stopped looking people in the eyes a year ago and literally have to force myself to do so. A lot of times I drift in and out of conversations so half the time I don't even know what people are talking to me about. Judging about how they end their last sentence I counter act. If something they said sound like they were trying to be funny, I chuckle and force a smile. Basically most of my responses to things now are "haha yeah."

I used to not care about what came out my mouth and who judged me on it. I had no filter. Now I constantly filter everything I say. I even go as so far writing notes in my phone on topics to say to certain people.

I'm so f*cked up socially it's ridiculous. I've never had a boyfriend or even gotten close. Because of this ED I don't let anybody get close to me in fear of them knowing about my ED. The last two friends I even let get remotely close to me concerning my ED ditched me and didn't look back. So because of this as well, I have trust issues and always are questioning other people's motives."

I'm pretty sure I'm screwed up beyond repair. The word recovery to me is empty and meaningless.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Control yourself, take only what you need from me.

I woke up today feeling like utter crap. Basically going to the game last night just made me more depressed. Looking around seeing everybody who was having a great time. My friend Cassie (who's a year older than me..different person from Carrie) was hanging out with a guy the whole time. I texted her something like "Cassie! I can see you!"

She responded back "haha heyy girl.:)" I said something Like "I'm sitting behind you!" and she NEVER responded back. Typical. Story of my life. She was to busy in the super fan section, with guys literally all around her. Of course she can get guys, she has beautiful natural beauty, blonde, tall and skinny.

The picture explains all. I remember when I lost my phone for two weeks, I had checked it when i finally found it and didn't have any messages. Not a one. The only text messages I get are from my ana texting buddies. Nobody in RL or at my school talks to me.

Basically I'm so behind in the social area. I've never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever gotten close. The kids below my grade are doing better with guys than I am. It's so depressing to even think about.

Well, going on about whats going to happen today. I have to clean my room and I'm fasting again. people were getting suspicious so I ate a slice of pizza. but it's going to be easy to fast today. My mom and dad are at a funeral, my brother is hanging with his friends and later in the day I'm going to this church service thing. So luckily I'll be away from my moms grasps all day. Yess. That reminds me, somehow I'm down two pounds even though I did a very crappy job with my fast. -_- Two pounds closer to my first GW.


Probably not.
I'll never measure up.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Would that make your life much better?

FUDGE. I'm pissed and depressed.

ONE. Because obviously I'm a teenager, therefor I have to have teenage angst and go around whining: "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME". My mom in particular is annoying the crap out of me. This is random BUT OH MY GOD THIS IS A GOOD SONG THAT JUST CAME ON. (electro-socket blues- Rouge wave.) Anyway, because my brother is going off to college, for some reason my mother has it in here head that it's 'bonding time' with her daughter. It's pissing me off. I am truly starting to believe that shes the reason I have no friends and I'm the reason why she doesn't get a lot with my dad anymore. I've started acting older and she started acting younger. So because of this I've decided the best thing to do is to cut her off completely.
End of discussion.

TWO. I'm depressed because school started and I'm loaded with homework. I didn't finish buying all of ym school clothes so my outfits look like crap. The last rather long. I actually started writing this blog yesterday but got so depressed I couldn't write. Then after that I worked out. It always makes me feel a tiny bit better. Basically, there's this really hot guy in three of my classes. Yesterday, my friend Carrie walked up and started talking and laughing with him instantly. Whenever she says something in class he instantly laughs.

One of the main reason my ED started was because Carrie was my best friend in middle school. She got asked out all the time and was constantly complemented. On her myspace she had 40+ comments on her pictures saying how pretty she was. She got asked out all the time and was super popular. I was just there like a wallflower. This started my depression which led to my ED. So of course when this all happened yesterday it instantly sent me into a deep depression. I cried the most I've cried in months. Because of this I'm fasting today. No food shall surpass my lips into my fat body.

Yesterday I also figured out I have EDONS. Which basically means I still get my monthly gift from mother nature., -_- (which it not technically true, I get it every other month or more) and you still have a normal body weight. This much is true. A lot of people thing that just because you have an ED your automatically stick thin. This isn't true.

sigh. Tonight I'm going to the first football home game. I really don't want to go but I think staying home would just make me more depressed. I'm already not going to the after game dance.

I' pathetic.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Where does the good go?

-_- so. PT is still not available and it's been....two days? Yes two days. Many people came to pretty alone and some others are on Tiny dreams. I'm floating between them both. There are tons of theories running around why pretty thin isn't available. For some reason somebody said that zander (the guy that made the site aka james) is hiding from the popo from being in jail! I really don't know.

I know one thing though, which might or might not have to do with it. I know that somebody posted an article about how PT was on the news because there were these people talking about how they wanted to shut down 'pro ana' and ED related websites! WTF. I really hope not. Those idiots don't realized that those sites are the only thing that keep people with ED'S SANE! Without PT....well I know I would be a lot worse off.

Sigh. So I'm hoping it will come up soon. I feel like crap. Yesterday my mom took me out to Chinese food, one of my weaknesses. I was so hungry I ate the whole thing. stupid fat pig. Then later had two servings of ice cream, I want to die. I was supper depressed last night because I realized that nothing has changed. I'm still that loser with no friends that yes, people will talk to me, but won't make friends with me. I was at this youth group church thing last night, and I remember just wondering, sort of standing there like a lost puppy. I couldn't find anybody to talk to, they all had there own groups. I wanted to go cry in the bathroom. The whole time I couldn't help but think: "they're all so skinny, so perfect. they don't understand." The people who continually talked to me was this fat overweight girl with no make up on, and lets face it, not the prettiest person in the bunch. And the mentally retarded girl who waved at me and smiled. I'm so so selfish. I can't even imagine whats it's like to be like her. At least people still talk to me, but it's only because of my caked on make up and face. Without it I am nothing.
I already am nothing.

People start to listen to me and they LITERALLY will just walk away or start talking to someone else mid sentence. OR LIKE THAT STUPID B- girl....whats her face. In the middle of talking about her hair she screamed something else to a friend and they all went into this group hug thing, and I was just standing on the outside.

It was pouring down rain yesterday with this happened, and two things were on my mind. Standing in that rain, seeing if it would dissolve me. And the skinny, happy people around me. Where does the good go?

Last.Fm Tumblr Formspring

Monday, August 30, 2010

Plastic Made Dreams

It's been a while since I last posted. Basically this is what happened.
Binge, workout, restrict, workout. Binge, workout, restrict. ect.

:( Yeah I know.
It sucks, but somehow I managed to lose 2 pounds.I have absolutely no idea how that's possible but yeah it happened. I'm definitely not going to post my weight until I get down to my first gw. It's so embarrassing and high, just thinking about it makes me want crawl into a corner. It's basically been a roller coaster right now. I've been working out like crazy though. Since I last talked I went on the hike I was already talking about. Plus went on another 8 mile hike and have been working out everyday for the past 3 days, I'm going again tomorrow.

For some reason PT is shut down temporarily because SOMEBODY AKA 'ZANDER' didn't pay his monthly bandwidth crap. I reallly really need to go on. I need some support bad. Let me explain...

Today started out fine. Woke up, had a cheese stick (80 cals, mom didn't get the low fat 40 cal ones. -_-), went to the gym and burned 300 calories. Did two sets of lunges at 60 sit ups. Would have done more sit ups but my mom wanted to leave. -_- Later in the day around I had Top Ramen (only half of it, 190 cals.), and that was going to be all I had. The total for the day would have been 270, but my MOTHER came back from the store witch my favorite cereal, captain crunch, and my favorite candy, crunch bar. (both have the word crunch in it....weird. >_>)

In the end, I had 3 bowls of captain crunch, (140x3= 460), yogurt (110), two cheese sticks (160), crunch bar
(150) and some noodles from dinner which idk were the calorie count on those but I imagine around 200.
TOTAL? 1,080 calories binge. FUDGE, that's like a third of a pound. Plus the food from earlier, it all comes to 1,350. LKJDFHGLSKDFJGHLS. Yes. Thats what my mind is thinking.

So because of this, I was in a very unstable mood. Plus, getting cramps because of my stomach or that time of the month. My dad took me out to practice driving. Cutting this short, I basically got yelled at because I went without looking. He said AND I QUOTE "what the fuck is WRONG WITH YOU!? You could have ran into that car?! ARE YOU THAT STUPID!?". And some other stuff. This made me start crying in the car and I drove strait home. I couldn't think, my mind was a blur.

I ran upstairs and crouched over the toilet crying, shoving my fingers down my throat. I gagged but nothing happened. I am stupid, my dad was right. I knew that I couldn't purge, I've already tried before and nothing happened. But yet I tried for the next 10 minutes, crying and leaning over the toilet. At the end I started having an anxiety attack so I started a bath for myself. I turned the heat way up so I would be able to stun my nervous system and make it so I couldn't feel anything. (this works, I do it to mosquito bites). I Made so many bubbles that they were over flowing from the tub, I couldn't even see the water. The only water I could see were spilling from my eyes.

My grandpa told me once that baths always make you feel better when your sick.
It doesn't work anymore.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Put out the fire on us...

ah today sucked. I was doing so well untill the end, LIKE ALWAYS. All I was going to eat today was an egg and a piece of toast. I burned 593 calories on the Elliptical today, which was only 50 minutes. -_- I was going to go for 60+ but my mother came in and was like: "how yah doing?" She would have flipped if I said I had done 50 minutes so I said I only did 30. Her response?

"oh yeah, once you start getting good at it, you can start turning up the intensity buy making it higher and heavy to lift!"

well no duh. I had already done that anyways and told her: "hmm yeah your right!"
*insert smiley rolling eyes here* I'm honestly starting to think that my mom is jealous of me. i know that sounds so ridiculous and makes me seem self conscious but it's true. She's not really in shape and I know she wasn't in high school either. She always rants about personality is so important and looks is nothing. Thats I'm ;perfect' just the way I am. WHAT BULL. I just think she doesn't believe in being skinny, like she thinks it isn't natural to be. If your a little overweight it's 'normal' and considered healthy?!! WTF.

GOD this sucks, I am NOWHERE near my GW and school is literally in like two WEEKS. I CAN'T LOSE 20 POUNDS IN TWO WEEKS?! That is unless I fast which is extremely impossible because ym mom watches me like a hawk.

I am really not looking forward to school shopping. It's going to suck and make me so depressed. Whats the point of buying new clothes if I just look UGLY AND FAT in them?! Man, this sucks. Especially with the freshmen coming in from last year I don't like. They'll see how fat I am and think they're better than me. All super skinny and perfect....wearing the best clothes because they can...getting all the guys....FDKJFGH-FUUUUUUUUUU.

Now I'm really depressed. I going to go do 400 sit ups. At least I'm going on a 8 mile hike tomorrow. and THANK GOD, my mom won't go with us. So I'm going to try and fast being Im so effing fat I don't deserve to eat.

I got my permit today. I got 90% on the test, the lady said it was the highest score she ahd seen all day. I got it on the first try. I think that's the most positive-non failure like thing that's happened to me in months.

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Monday, August 23, 2010

I will wait it out, hopefully.

Today basically sucked. I had a hard boiled egg for breakfast, like 3 sushi rolls for lunch and a piece of meat for dinner.
BUT, this is the part that SUCKS THE EFFING MOST. My parents went our for a drink and brought me home a 'mini blizzard' (aka a smaller STILL FATING TREAT that's supposed to make fat people feel better about themselves because its not 'as bad') WTF. It's still bad for you.

I feel so fat. So so so fat. At least I'm getting double workout's this week. Usually I can only make it to the gym like 3 times a week. This week I get to go the the gym 3 times, and I'm going on two different hikes. One I know for sure is 8 miles yeay.

On Thursday I'm going to try and fast. It's the perfect time to do so. My mom goes to work downtown that day and I'm ganging out with a friend later. The friend I'm hanging out with is sadly....very skinny. I'm super jelouse to go shopping with her. It will just make me depressed. I want to lose a couple of pound before Thursday so it won't be so bad seeing her. I have workouts everyday until Thursday and I'm going to restrict a lot. So hopefully it won't be so bad seeing her.

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Stop crying your heart out.

I've been hitting one good song after another on itunes. Which is unusual because I usually skip every other one. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's because my taste in music is more leeway today?? Not sure.

~These are the songs I've been listening to since I got home ~
In and out of Love - Armin Van Buuren feat. Sharon Den Adel *
Eclipse (All yours) - Metric
Islands - The XX.
Here we go - Grits *
Sleepyhead - Passion pit
Symphony No.5 - Ludwig van Beethoven *
Stop crying your heart out - Oasis

Yeah...I think it is because I'm in a weird mood. The songs with stars next to them I really don't listen to that often.
SO ANYWAY, that was a long opening to my first blog post! (I've had multiple other blogs.) I'm hoping this one sticks though. I thought it was about time I needed to make this particular one. I have these thoughts in my head that are clawing and screaming to get out.

This is going to be my ED related blog. If you don't want to read about it, then you can leave. I'm not really sure what i have, it's definitely not mia, but it's not really anna either. I believe it might be ENDOS.
So this is just an introduction blog. I will post things relating to my ED and my random thoughts.

Adios amigos.

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