Saturday, February 11, 2012

Crying myself to sleep tonight- reminds me of the good ol' times.

oh sigh, very tried- very depressed.

I've been thinking more and more self harm lately. I've never self harmed, mostly just because I've never had the resources, never felt much of a need, and just didn't have the balls to do it.

But I tried to, tonight.
Don't worry, it didn't work.

Let me start from the beginning on my day, I went to a Chinese new year thing for activity/volunteer hours for my school. We painted faces, and such. I had already been feeling more down than usual lately. With my overall laziness and jealousy of others- it had been a bad week. Plus my face was breakout out and more than ever I've just been hating everything about myself lately. I crave control in my life. With this event, my friends were there. They are all dressed perfectly and effortless pretty. 2 out of 3 not even wearing foundation and still looking perfect. The other that was didn't even need it because she already is gorgeous.

I had fasted until about dinner, when my mom wanted to go out to dinner my my grandma and aunt since my dad was out of town. Tried to get out it- couldn't. So I would just get a salad. Long story short was called a spoiled brat by my bitch of an aunt and it just set me off. I was already a ticking time bomb. The rest of the dinner she made snotty comments about me. I though my mom would be on my side be started calling me "a stupid teenager" ect. I was going to talk to her about it but it went out the door after that. I was just mad at my aunt. My mom didn't talk to me the whole way home like its my fault.

I already know I'm a horrible and ugly person okay? This weekend didn't exactly go as I planned.

Got home and as my mom went to get the mail, I ran to my bathroom upstairs and proceeded to cry as I once again tried to make myself purge. After trying for about 20 minutes, I looked over and saw my razor on the bathtub. Basically broke it apart to try to get the actually little razors apart- which were already old and dull. I knew it wouldn't work but I tried anyway- I needed punishment. I tried pressing them to my skin multiple times and all that happened was some fucking irritation.

Things to secret get next time I'm at the store:
  • Razor blades
  • stretchmarks cream/ bio oil
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Didn't you hear, Jealousy is on the rise again!

Eyyyy been a week or so. New week of the semester started. Only half a year left of junior year, thank god. Need to get out of here already.

Things have been..meh. I still haven't gotten around to writing. I really want to I just never seem to get around to it. Maybe I'll force myself to sit down and WRITE. I'm just so extremely self conscious about my art and writing, I know its crap without even doing it. No amount of words can change that.

I just want to be happy, I just want to be a normal happy person. Someone who knew what they were and didn't care what others thought. Having natural beauty always helps too....

There's just this girl in some of my classes I just cant help but be overwhelmingly jealous of her. I don't think I've ever been so jealous of someone. She has natural beauty and has these gorgeous blue eyes. She just slaps on some mascara and BAM , PERFECT. While I pack on tons of everything to hide my nasty skin, not to mention ton of eyeshadow and blah. Just so you can get an idea, she looks like freakin Alexis Bledel. She has this perfect body, and gets all A's. All the girls always say how perfect she is, how beautiful she is. Her style is effortless, and shes nice to everybody, confident but not too confident. And she doesn't care what people think, she doesn't care if people see she knows/talks about deeper meanings in things. If I were to say half the things she does on those deeper things people would look at me like I'm crazy.

Ugh, sigh. Jealousy is eating me inside. Everyday I see this perfect vision of myself in my head. And everyday it seems farther away.

I'm going to spend a large part of this weekend alone. Cleaning my room and working out. Be a hermit and foo my homework early for no reason at all. Its my brothers birthday this weekend so there will be a small family gathering, I'm sure.

I forgot to mention that I went vegetarian about 5 days ago. Saw a cow get shot in the head twice on google's Life in a Day. Cried for about an looked like it was in so much pain. It was twitch on the first shot to the head, so they had to do another. After that they showed it throat being slit. Been meatless for about 5 days, it's been forcing me to eat more fruit which I guess is good. Ugh that poor cow, the image just keeps replaying in my head.

How is it I'm finally getting exercise and food routine down, but all my emotions just decided to go whack? They're like "ahh fuck it, lets be the screw ups, like we always are!"

Changed my profile picture to me, btw. It was a photo I semi-liked. Yes, the wonders of instagram.