I've been thinking more and more self harm lately. I've never self harmed, mostly just because I've never had the resources, never felt much of a need, and just didn't have the balls to do it.
But I tried to, tonight.
Don't worry, it didn't work.
Let me start from the beginning on my day, I went to a Chinese new year thing for activity/volunteer hours for my school. We painted faces, and such. I had already been feeling more down than usual lately. With my overall laziness and jealousy of others- it had been a bad week. Plus my face was breakout out and more than ever I've just been hating everything about myself lately. I crave control in my life. With this event, my friends were there. They are all dressed perfectly and effortless pretty. 2 out of 3 not even wearing foundation and still looking perfect. The other that was didn't even need it because she already is gorgeous.
I had fasted until about dinner, when my mom wanted to go out to dinner my my grandma and aunt since my dad was out of town. Tried to get out it- couldn't. So I would just get a salad. Long story short was called a spoiled brat by my bitch of an aunt and it just set me off. I was already a ticking time bomb. The rest of the dinner she made snotty comments about me. I though my mom would be on my side be started calling me "a stupid teenager" ect. I was going to talk to her about it but it went out the door after that. I was just mad at my aunt. My mom didn't talk to me the whole way home like its my fault.
I already know I'm a horrible and ugly person okay? This weekend didn't exactly go as I planned.
Got home and as my mom went to get the mail, I ran to my bathroom upstairs and proceeded to cry as I once again tried to make myself purge. After trying for about 20 minutes, I looked over and saw my razor on the bathtub. Basically broke it apart to try to get the actually little razors apart- which were already old and dull. I knew it wouldn't work but I tried anyway- I needed punishment. I tried pressing them to my skin multiple times and all that happened was some fucking irritation.
Things to secret get next time I'm at the store:
- Razor blades
- stretchmarks cream/ bio oil