Monday, August 30, 2010

Plastic Made Dreams

It's been a while since I last posted. Basically this is what happened.
Binge, workout, restrict, workout. Binge, workout, restrict. ect.

:( Yeah I know.
It sucks, but somehow I managed to lose 2 pounds.I have absolutely no idea how that's possible but yeah it happened. I'm definitely not going to post my weight until I get down to my first gw. It's so embarrassing and high, just thinking about it makes me want crawl into a corner. It's basically been a roller coaster right now. I've been working out like crazy though. Since I last talked I went on the hike I was already talking about. Plus went on another 8 mile hike and have been working out everyday for the past 3 days, I'm going again tomorrow.

For some reason PT is shut down temporarily because SOMEBODY AKA 'ZANDER' didn't pay his monthly bandwidth crap. I reallly really need to go on. I need some support bad. Let me explain...

Today started out fine. Woke up, had a cheese stick (80 cals, mom didn't get the low fat 40 cal ones. -_-), went to the gym and burned 300 calories. Did two sets of lunges at 60 sit ups. Would have done more sit ups but my mom wanted to leave. -_- Later in the day around I had Top Ramen (only half of it, 190 cals.), and that was going to be all I had. The total for the day would have been 270, but my MOTHER came back from the store witch my favorite cereal, captain crunch, and my favorite candy, crunch bar. (both have the word crunch in it....weird. >_>)

In the end, I had 3 bowls of captain crunch, (140x3= 460), yogurt (110), two cheese sticks (160), crunch bar
(150) and some noodles from dinner which idk were the calorie count on those but I imagine around 200.
TOTAL? 1,080 calories binge. FUDGE, that's like a third of a pound. Plus the food from earlier, it all comes to 1,350. LKJDFHGLSKDFJGHLS. Yes. Thats what my mind is thinking.

So because of this, I was in a very unstable mood. Plus, getting cramps because of my stomach or that time of the month. My dad took me out to practice driving. Cutting this short, I basically got yelled at because I went without looking. He said AND I QUOTE "what the fuck is WRONG WITH YOU!? You could have ran into that car?! ARE YOU THAT STUPID!?". And some other stuff. This made me start crying in the car and I drove strait home. I couldn't think, my mind was a blur.

I ran upstairs and crouched over the toilet crying, shoving my fingers down my throat. I gagged but nothing happened. I am stupid, my dad was right. I knew that I couldn't purge, I've already tried before and nothing happened. But yet I tried for the next 10 minutes, crying and leaning over the toilet. At the end I started having an anxiety attack so I started a bath for myself. I turned the heat way up so I would be able to stun my nervous system and make it so I couldn't feel anything. (this works, I do it to mosquito bites). I Made so many bubbles that they were over flowing from the tub, I couldn't even see the water. The only water I could see were spilling from my eyes.

My grandpa told me once that baths always make you feel better when your sick.
It doesn't work anymore.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Put out the fire on us...

ah today sucked. I was doing so well untill the end, LIKE ALWAYS. All I was going to eat today was an egg and a piece of toast. I burned 593 calories on the Elliptical today, which was only 50 minutes. -_- I was going to go for 60+ but my mother came in and was like: "how yah doing?" She would have flipped if I said I had done 50 minutes so I said I only did 30. Her response?

"oh yeah, once you start getting good at it, you can start turning up the intensity buy making it higher and heavy to lift!"

well no duh. I had already done that anyways and told her: "hmm yeah your right!"
*insert smiley rolling eyes here* I'm honestly starting to think that my mom is jealous of me. i know that sounds so ridiculous and makes me seem self conscious but it's true. She's not really in shape and I know she wasn't in high school either. She always rants about personality is so important and looks is nothing. Thats I'm ;perfect' just the way I am. WHAT BULL. I just think she doesn't believe in being skinny, like she thinks it isn't natural to be. If your a little overweight it's 'normal' and considered healthy?!! WTF.

GOD this sucks, I am NOWHERE near my GW and school is literally in like two WEEKS. I CAN'T LOSE 20 POUNDS IN TWO WEEKS?! That is unless I fast which is extremely impossible because ym mom watches me like a hawk.

I am really not looking forward to school shopping. It's going to suck and make me so depressed. Whats the point of buying new clothes if I just look UGLY AND FAT in them?! Man, this sucks. Especially with the freshmen coming in from last year I don't like. They'll see how fat I am and think they're better than me. All super skinny and perfect....wearing the best clothes because they can...getting all the guys....FDKJFGH-FUUUUUUUUUU.

Now I'm really depressed. I going to go do 400 sit ups. At least I'm going on a 8 mile hike tomorrow. and THANK GOD, my mom won't go with us. So I'm going to try and fast being Im so effing fat I don't deserve to eat.

I got my permit today. I got 90% on the test, the lady said it was the highest score she ahd seen all day. I got it on the first try. I think that's the most positive-non failure like thing that's happened to me in months.

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Monday, August 23, 2010

I will wait it out, hopefully.

Today basically sucked. I had a hard boiled egg for breakfast, like 3 sushi rolls for lunch and a piece of meat for dinner.
BUT, this is the part that SUCKS THE EFFING MOST. My parents went our for a drink and brought me home a 'mini blizzard' (aka a smaller STILL FATING TREAT that's supposed to make fat people feel better about themselves because its not 'as bad') WTF. It's still bad for you.

I feel so fat. So so so fat. At least I'm getting double workout's this week. Usually I can only make it to the gym like 3 times a week. This week I get to go the the gym 3 times, and I'm going on two different hikes. One I know for sure is 8 miles yeay.

On Thursday I'm going to try and fast. It's the perfect time to do so. My mom goes to work downtown that day and I'm ganging out with a friend later. The friend I'm hanging out with is sadly....very skinny. I'm super jelouse to go shopping with her. It will just make me depressed. I want to lose a couple of pound before Thursday so it won't be so bad seeing her. I have workouts everyday until Thursday and I'm going to restrict a lot. So hopefully it won't be so bad seeing her.

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Stop crying your heart out.

I've been hitting one good song after another on itunes. Which is unusual because I usually skip every other one. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's because my taste in music is more leeway today?? Not sure.

~These are the songs I've been listening to since I got home ~
In and out of Love - Armin Van Buuren feat. Sharon Den Adel *
Eclipse (All yours) - Metric
Islands - The XX.
Here we go - Grits *
Sleepyhead - Passion pit
Symphony No.5 - Ludwig van Beethoven *
Stop crying your heart out - Oasis

Yeah...I think it is because I'm in a weird mood. The songs with stars next to them I really don't listen to that often.
SO ANYWAY, that was a long opening to my first blog post! (I've had multiple other blogs.) I'm hoping this one sticks though. I thought it was about time I needed to make this particular one. I have these thoughts in my head that are clawing and screaming to get out.

This is going to be my ED related blog. If you don't want to read about it, then you can leave. I'm not really sure what i have, it's definitely not mia, but it's not really anna either. I believe it might be ENDOS.
So this is just an introduction blog. I will post things relating to my ED and my random thoughts.

Adios amigos.

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