Saturday, June 25, 2011

Loose tongue and arrogance

Yeay! An actual post! The first one in like...weeks. :P I've just been to lazy and busy. Last week I actually had somewhat of a social life. Heres my past week. THIS IS EXTREMELY LONG SO I WOULDNT DOUBT IF YOU DIDN'T READ IT.

MONDAY. I finally started my first days volunteering at the zoo. I'm so happy because this gets me away from my mom so on those days I fast. I go on Mondays and Fridays for 5.5 hours. I really liked the people on my Monday shift. Semi-cute guys who are actually nice. We all hung at the end and I was laughing and actually cracking jokes (GASP). I'm determined to read a bunch this summer so I'm not a total idiot when I come back to school. I found Pride and Prejudice at borders for $4.99 so I bought it. I take the MAX down and back, which is an hour long ride both way. I use this time to read. ^_^
Calories for the day: 0

TUESDAY. I went bowling with Jacobs older bro Spencer (and his younger sisterOlivia). Jaocb was at a soccer game, but yeah it was basically a fundraiser. I don't really know Spencer as well as Jacob but it's very easy for me to chat with him sense we like the same music. We burn CD'S for each other a lot. That was a lot of fun. We went back to Jacobs house, by that time he was home. I hung out until around 10pm. When ever a stay that late, Jacob always just assumes and staying over, so does his mom because they're basically like my second family. His younger sister wanted me to spend the night but I was tired had hadn't done my crunches yet so I said no, but that I would come back tomorrow.
Calories for the day: 540

WEDNESDAY. Woke up, showered, went strait to Jacobs house. Spencer is studying to be an architect and is basically crazy smart and creative. He's always doing different projects. So when I came over they had decided to make there own homemade long board. :P I basically watched Olivia for a little bit before she had to leave for her swimming lessons. Then I helped hammer pieces for the longboard. Went through Spencers entire music inventorry and foudn out what music he doesn't have, I told him I would fix that haha. They have so much junkfood at their house it's terrible. So of course I binged.
Calories for the day: 1500. (Rough estimate 100 or so off)

THURSDAY: Went downtown to the mall with my fiend Heidi. I needed to buy some tans shorts for the zoo because I ripped my old pair. I was pissed. They fit so loosely and I loved them because they were cuffed/made in a certain way that made my legs look less horrific. I was dreading buying more. No surprise, I was the same size. All the shorts were super short and ugh...I feel like a slut -_-. There were some cute guys hanging there and of course they paid me no attention at all..but I'm trying to change that. I'm going camping with her for the forth of july. I though it would be fun initially, until they told me they were changing it from staying 3 nights to 6 nights. Which really stresses me out food ugh.
Calories for the day: 560

FRIDAY: Another zoo shift. SO. MOST. FRUSTRATING. DAY. EVER. There's these two girls on my shift that pissed me off. Basically, it pissed me off when people think they're better than me, no more that me, or just basically think they're cool shit. WE ARE EQUAL HUMAN BEINGS OKAY. The first girl is a total know it all, and a year younger that me. This is her second yea rat the zoo and it was only my first. She kept telling me what to do, and basically talking down to me. I had to keep say " Oh yeah I know that already " all freaking day. I read the freaking Zoo manual just as you did, IDIOT. -.-
Another thing that happened was while I was in the goat yard.
Her *walking over to me* " What are you doing way over here? :)"
Me: "This is where you told me to go...? :P"
Her: "No I mean away from the people."
Me *shrugs* "Hah I dunno, I'm just waiting for goats if they go to the bathroom so I clean it. Thats what I was told to do..."
Her: "Well you could actually talk to the people. You could also pet the goat, you want to pet the goat? :)"
Me: "uh...I just was petting it. And I was just talking with someone about that particular goat right before you came over, not to mention I also helped the woman take a picture with the goat. So yeah, I have been talking to people. :|" *SO PISSED I CAN'T EVEN*
Her face: *From the that effing smug smile she had on the entire to to = :|* LOL I'M HORRIBLE. It actually made me feel good to see that...haha wow I hate her already. She kept telling a bunch of people false things as well.

Her: "Yeah Greece was made in the 80's so they wore some funny stuff. When ever you see something funny form the 80's you can just say 'it was the 80's!' And that's the excuse."
Me: "Actually it was made in 1978 and was set in the late 50's/early 60's so the clothes aren't representing the 80's at all. "
Her: "oh, well same thing......"
UH NO. I'm evil.

The second girl basically was our TL, who oversees us for the day. I'm pretty sure she's either my age or a year older. But basically she did the same as the other girl, she talked down to me and embaressed me. I was in charge of this little kids game and she kept asking if I knew how and I was like.."uhh yeah I did on Monday.."She made me do 15 jumping jacks while shouting "I'm a star!" Because I didn't like energetic enough. She told me if I didn't she would put me in a different roation. It was so embarrassing, especially with all ym fat jiggling and the crappy shorts I just bought were to short and kept riding up.
She actually pulled me aside and said: "You're pretty shy, aren't you? :)"
Me: "Uh no, haha I'm just tired."
Her: "Ohh well, right, at the Zoo we need to be energetic and happy. I used to be the same way but now I'm super comfortable with myself.... blah blah blah" And thats hen I toned out.
What a b-otch. I wasn't effing shy, I was just pissed off at her that I didn't want to do it! If you piss me off, then tell me to do something, I'm not going to want to do it!
Calories for the day : 780 Ment to fast but ehh whatever. I just had to eat something at the end of the day (two cheese sticks) I had the worst hunger pains of my entire life and had to subdue them somehow.

TODAY: And yeah today I basically stayed at home all day besides when I went to the Animal shelter for my volunteering there. Came home, watch Pride and Prejudice because was on TV (JSHASKSJFD SO excited to finish the book now)
Calories for the day: 820.
Ugh this number is bleh, terrible. Going this high gives me anxiety.I ate 4 gram crackers and didn't realize how many calories were in them until I checked later. Added 260 calories to my day. -.- It's been really easy to eat how I've wanted to lately because my mom has been out of town since Friday morning. She comes home Sunday afternoon. -.- I love not having her around. (Wow I really am terrible). My dad doesn't cook or ask me about my eating habits. He lets me be the independent person I love to be, unlike my mom.

Woo so longest post ever to date, doubt anyone read that but I thought I would actually tell you guys what I have been doing. I will probably do a lot of nothing tomorrow.But eh, my calories are all over the place...even though I'm doing better I still feel like a terrible failure. When I was binging pretty much daily a month ago, I would have love to even get below 1000.
Now, 700-900 is so terrible.
500-600 is ok.
200-400 is good

oh sigh.

Monday, June 20, 2011

My silence.

well hey guys, I still exist.

Depression is coming back. Just. thought. you. should. know.
Summer was supposed to be better than this

'real' post whenever I get off my lazy but and do it.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

To exhausted to be a real person right now.

Awful day.

Been crying for the past hour I feel to exhausted terrible to even write about it. Lets just say, the last two days involve the words Dickhead and nosebleed (ANOTHER FREAKING ONE)

I'm off to watch crappy TV. Sending love to those reading, thanks for sticking through my depressing crap.


Comment Responses #2

Sara- Thank you! Yeah basically all my days are like that now. I can't wait for summer.

Liss- Yes, please slap her for me. Sometimes I really get fed up with her but shes one of the few people who actually deem to hang with me. Shes like one of the few 'friends' I have.

americaneagle- She really is. I wish i could say something about the ideas but its like a week afterword and everybody would like "wtf who does she think she is? " so eh.
killa kristen- aha maybe. But eh, American eagle jeans are vanity sizes so I always feel guilty ina way wearing them. I took those jeans back anyway.

Jessie- Thank you. And yeah, he's not the best guy, I've been seeing that more and more lately. He's not who I thought he was.

Fat Lassie- I seriously think about my nose daily. I contemplate getting a nose job a lot for maybe when I'm older but I doubt I would ever get one.
Liss- Yep it really sucked. Apparently it happens to a lot of teens when getting a shot (according to the nurses)

LilyZara- yeah I guess. but sadly I have to go back soon and get another one. ughh yuck.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

"This one is her, the big fat cow."

ugh so terrible day yesterday.

Lately...I had starting feeling better about my face. My hair was finally behaving the way I wanted it to, I got new make up that made my face less oily and I don't have to reply it as much. I was getting a bunch of sleep so I had no bags under my eyes.
And for once, I was looking into the mirror thinking: "Maybe my face isn't so bad..."

And then it all went to hell.

Friday at school was when I had my drawing 2 class. Right now we're drawing self portraits. On friday I had a Spanish project due I didn't finish so I was coloring the pictures for it in my drawing class. My story was about a cow who wanted to have fun.

This guy that comes into our class a lot to talk to a bunch of his friends, came over to our table to talk to me and my friend Danika. This is how the conversation goes. Lets call him 'T.'

T: "What are you guys drawing now?"
Danika: "Self portraits. ;)"
T: *Looks at danika's wow yours is supper good!"
Danika: Thanks! *Super flirty smile WTF SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND, then looks over at my drawing for spanish and points to it, saying: "This one is her, the big fat cow. "
Me: "Ohh wow gee thanks. -_-"

My response was sarcastic but inside I was totally mortified. I wanted to start crying right then and there. She was joking, but it hurt. What makes it worse is that shes so skinny and small and always talks about wanting to lose weight even though shes like 90 pounds or something. -_-

It pisses me off because she flirts with all the guys in the FREAKIN world but yet, shes has this super humble and sweet boyfriend (who's a year older than her) who she totally doesn't deserve!

What made everything worse were people were commenting her drawings all freaking day. All day. "This is soo good!" "Oh my god, this is amazing."
And the worse one, some girl came up and picked up her drawing and said "OH MY GOD, This is the best drawing I have ever seen of a person!" And then proceeded to run around and show everyone in the class. What makes me feel like crap it all her ideas came from me and I'm not even getting credit or anything. She had extra space on her drawing so I just told her to cut the paper off. She did it. She got the credit for being soooo creative.

eff. my. life.
Well I guess I am as ugly as I thought I was. One big, fat ugly COW.
So That day I went home and spent 20 minutes crying and explaining my life while I filmed it on my camera to watch later. In the last minute of the video, I had gotten a serious nosebleed. The worse I have ever gotten. I t was a gusher. What was worse is I was on a white blanket. Luckily it didn't really get anywhere besides a crap load in the toilet.

I hadn't eaten anythign all day, not to mention, no water either, only soda. Plus it was hot in my room. Woops.
Anyway, the blood was gushing so much that when I stopped it, it start going down my throat. Which made gag and cough it back up, then causing me to throw it up. Lovely.

Busy day today so I have to go. Might most again later.