Sunday, May 29, 2011

I found another face to show. Just because what you'll say will go.

I found another face to show. Just because what you'll say will go.

Typing on my dads laptop, so excuse any bad grammar and mistakes.

Right now I'm camping for the memorial weeknd, but we're leaving tomorrow and heading home. I'm really quite stressed right now. I have the next week of school, one more after that (I think) then finals. Oh god I'm so unprepared.

I'm really stress for my spanish and algebra 2 class finals. Those will suck. I hate both of them, and because of that I don't want to try. I'm so stressed right now because my mom told me my dad wants to take it easy tomoor and not get home until 7 ish. WTH THAT ONLY GIVES ME TWO HOURS TO CRAM IN ABOUT 5 HOURS WORK OF HOMEWORK. Stressin' man.

It just really pisses me of because all my dad ever thinks about is himself. What works for him, whats best for him, how he'll be less stressed. It's not fair, there are others in this family besides him. I mean I undersatnd ehe provides for the family and has even worked two jobs for us in the past. And if no way am I say he is undeserving of getting some relaxation but that doesn't me we should focus soley on what he wants all the freakin time. We always have to do what he want to do in order to avoid a huge argument, which is definitely something id like to avoid. (my dad has server anger problems. )

whatever. still fat as ever. It's hard to do anything with mother watchin. g me more than ever.
amaore and more I can feel my tendencies becoming stronger. Oh how my skin is itching for summer.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

All that's left for you is doubt

Today was ughghuighlghsf. Pizza. Pizza. More Pizza. Then Chinese food, then effing doughnut.
I finally went shopping today for new jeans. Was dreading doing it all week. The first pair I got were from macy's and I got them in the sale rock for like 70 something percent off, they were only $9.99! They're American Rag. The second I gt from American Eagle and I can't remember how much they were. According to my mother, they make me look " soo skinnnny" yeah whatever,shut up liar.

For some reason, at American eagle I'm like a size smaller in all their jeans. I know for sure I haven't lose any weight, so obviously their sizes run large.
Picture of them:
Yeah I'm fat. sdkjfhksdhfksdhf .working on that. seriously thinking about starting abc on monday. I know I'm pathetic.

After that we saw Bridesmaids. Ohmy god. Most Hilarious movie ever. I want it on DVD already, You guys seriously have no freaking idea. GO SEE IT NOW.
In other news, in my drawing class at school it really freaking sucks because we have to do self portraits. We have to stare in a mirror and draw ourselves. It's so hard because every time I look I jut want to cry. All I see is ugly nose, ugly skin, ugly everything. Whats worse in my friend that looked in the mirror and said: "UGH oh god I look horrible. Definitely not looking good today." Wtf she look perfectly fine.
I almost wanted to shout: "wtf how do you think I feel!?"

Can;t wait until that project is over.

I hate my nose. I'm super sensitive about it ever since I broke it last year in P.E. Thats what I get for being competitive and actually trying. Ever since then it's had this awful bump on it. Seriously contemplating a nose job when I'm older.

At this point with my grades I'm really not caring anymore. I got 22/22 on a algebra 2 quiz, which brought ym grade up to wooping 70 %. Turns out the hw packet I was missing, then finding that out, turned in late about a month ago- he still hasn't entered. WTF. 50 FREAKING POINTS AND HE HASN'T ENTERED IT. This is all because that one stupid choice. The stupid choice to skip class that day, resulting in turning my hw packet that day. Since in was a unexcused absence, I didn't get 2 days to make it up.

AT this point I just want school to be freaking OVER, that way I can move onto summer and get ride of this fat.

Btw, Owen gave me his number so I could text him to meet up to give him adrawing.
I was supposed to do that on Friday. And I didn't. I'm such a jerk. I wouldn't put it past him to think so. Why bother if he has a girlfriend. He's kinda a douche away. He calls me beautiful all the time, which he's obviously lying because he calls lots of others girls that, including Danika who he also calls skinny. Has he ever called me skinny? NO.
Just another man whore, move along folks.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Literally.

So. I fainted today while getting a shot. How was your day?

Yep. Today was like any other average day. Feeling like fat and crappy, the week not going by fast enough, wondering why I have no natural beauty, hating my makeup and face. Yes this are my daily thoughts.

After school today my mom was taking me to get a TB test (tuberculosis). I can't have it if I want to volunteer in the zoo teen program. While we were their they said I was behind on a couple of shots and should do them today.

I really don't mind shots and blood doesn't freak me out or anything. I just don't really like the feeling of something going inside of me. So in a way I really wasn't mentally prepared for getting shots. In my head, I like to plan out my day, what things will happen and how I might react to them. So when something happens to me, It tends to throw me off guard.

Anyway, the TB test wasn't bad, just a a poke in my left wrist that made a bubble with my skin. (Weird huh? O_O) After that was the first shot on the same arm but on my shoulder. That one wasn't bad, hurt a little but felt like a bee sting. The second one was on my right shoulder and it hurt a more that the first. I physically could feel the needle inside of me, touching my muscle. Then it was over! I remember looking at my mom, saying "Ow that hurt.."
Then I was in dreamland.

I was woken up in laying flat down with 4 people around me, including my mom. Apparently, I had began convulsing and twitching when I was out of it, which really freaked my mom out. They made me lie down for another 10 minutes, telling me not to get up. Ever minute or so they would lift the chair up one notch.

Really quite strange, especially because I couldn't remember my dream which made me mad. All I remember were the colors. Red and yellow. It was odd because I thought my dream was real life, so it was like somebody was waking me up from real life.
My first words after waking up were: "Woah, that was cool. I had a dream and everything." hahaha.
Apparently right before I passed out I said "Uh oh" then looked around the room and then my head drooped. Which I don't remember. :P

Immediately they asked if I had eaten anythign that day, which I honestly had. A fruit smoothie for breakfast and a cheese bangle for lunch.

I believe the reason I fainted might have to do with it being the time of the month for me. :/ But ehh. My shoulders hurt but besides that I feel fine, it wasn't the first time I've fainted. Every little thing I do with my arms hurt. -_-

Just thought I'd let you guys in on my day.

Monday, May 9, 2011

The whole world is sleeping.

Today has been annoying. Ever single thing just arggg annoying. I 'sick' on friday last week so I missed a spanish test and a English quiz.I just felt really unprepared and stressed and just didn't want to take that spanish test. Unforgettably that class is tomorrow and I have to stay after for it to take the test. The same day I'm staying in during lunch for English.

That day was the day my brother was home so we all went to the mall. I'm going to be volunteering at the zoo this summer and part of the dress code is that you cant wear pants with holes in them. Since all my jeans have holes in them, my mom insists that we have to go shopping for two new pairs. -_- I was not looking forward to it, espesially with gaining 2 pounds from my period (I know I'm a failure, again). I tried on some jeans to make her happy and WHAT DO YOU FREAKKING KNOW, NONE OF THEM FIT AND I TRIED ON AT LEAST 15 PAIRS.
I couldn't even get them past my thighs. I had to use all my energy and will power not to cry right then and there. . I had to try on 'curvy' jeans. I used the excuse that I was feeling good and in the mood to buy so we didn't get anyway.

This just slams me in the face, telling me I'm fat, worthless and need to lose weight.
I would like to be 118 pounds again.
Then 110.
Then 105
Then disappear completely.

What sucks even more is she wants to go back this weekend. fml. I've been putting this off to long. The zoo thing doesn't even start until June 5th, which is 4 weeks away. I just feel like it's a waste to buy these jeans at such a high weight when I'm just going to lose it over the sunmmer.
I am going to lose it over the summer.

Haven't had much to eat today. Just a cheese stick and a fiber one bar. Total: 210. The rest of my calories will be spent on whatever my mom makes for dinner. She told me that her and my dad are going out to dinner on Thursday- so I plan to fast that day.

And wtf, my internet is being so freaking slow. (not to mention, none of Pt's pages are loading, WTF) Ever since I've been downloading my new way it's made my computer a lot slower. >_> It's annoying. I'm thinking about saving up for some sort of separate hard drive for my music since I have over 3,000 songs (About 16.36 GB)
Hmm, definitely a possibly.

I was going to play the sims 2 and design some houses, but eh, my computer is being to slow. I guess I'll just do homework.
Yeah I'm, that cool.

Comment Responses #1

Finally figured out a way to respond! Here are just some responses from my last couple of post form things you guys said. I really appreciate your kind words and taking the time to comment.

AlwaysStriving- yes it exactly, It stresses me out because it send my whole food schedule off balance.
Oh good, yeah I was pretty sure that was wrong, thank you!

Meg- I know, it's just annoying. Pacman is pretty awesome, just got done playing it.
Liss- I know, it's awful. This why I complain all the time about going to college and summer. The less time spent with her, the better. It really freakin sucks about limewire being shut down. Try the orbit program! If you need any help, let me know. :)
No, they are awful, trust me. All my 'friends' have strait A's and it makes me feel freaking stupid.

Fat Lassie - Yeah sadly the tan is faded and I'm pale as ever again. -.- Eh, my hair, is so so. I use so much product on it.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Expectations = Disappointments.

Today has been suckish. Woke up late with a headache and went to my volunteer shift at the animal shelter. The people I work with kinda annoy me. It's actually not even that, they just rub me in the wrong way and I can't describe it. It's a mother and daughter and Idk they're just always happy and act like they're so Superior like they been volunteering longer than I have, when in reality they just started in April. (I've been there since January) They dance together and the daughter sings, which is one of my pet peeves. I freakin hate when people sing/hum in public, it's just annoying. There's a radio that's constantly playing music, mostly country which I hate. So I decided to change it and the daughter gave me a dirty look. o_O
It's like "ok, you don't own this radio, calm down. "

What freaks me out is they look insanely similar to Alicia, (A girl I used to be best friends with) and her mom. I pretty sure they're related or something because that's just freaky.

After we came home I was excited because my brother was home for mothers day and we were going to go to Changes, a Mongolian grill that is soo delicious. We had talked about in the morning and I had been looking forward to it all day. I hadn't eaten anything all day and was going to go here and just have a meal for the entire day.

But, only about 15 minutes ago my brother announced that he was going downtown to go to a Cinco De Mayo party with a bunch of his friends he hasn't seen in a while.
What the what. If you haven't heard already, Cinco de Mayo was 2 DAYS AGO. Jerk. In a way I'm thankful because I was already feeling anxiety about eating that big meal at changes. But in another way, I'm upset.

I'm tired of being always disappointed. When you have expectations it sets you up for disappointments, always. Which seems to be happening a lot to me lately. When I have something planned, I tend tot think ahead of time, thinking about how much fun it will be, what to do ect. So when something is canceled..something inside of me just feels hallowed out.
Sick. empty. sad.

I should have listened to Luke, he said the exact thing in Gilmore Girls. . (You are amazing if you know what I am referencing to)

So, after that disappointment...this what I ate instead:
1 Cheese stick: 70 calories
1 Packet of Wonka eggs: 170
4 Saltines: 240 (Supposedly, but that's what the calorie counter online says but it seems like way to much. )

Probably not going to have anymore. Feeling way to depressed and fat. Just going to sit around and play Pacman on my gamecube. cool beans.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Paste that Superficial smile on me, baby.

I am sick of my mother. Period.
All she ever talks about is weight, deits, food, grades, school, body image, beauty and how thin people are.

It pisses me off. I already have those constant thoughts in my head and I sure don't need them from my judgmental mother, who doesn't even know what she is talking about.

I miss the times when we actually used to talk. I mean really talk. Now all it's about is superficial things, like thats all she thinks I'm made up of. Every time she complements me I just want to slap her. Not only because I don't belivive it, but she focuses on that so much it makes me feel thats all I'm ever going to be.
I feel like it hides me from who I really am, and I feel like when she talks about my beauty (which I don't even have) all the freaking time, that's all shes ever going to see.

Sorry, small rant over.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bunnies are cute, yeah?

Because bunnies are effin cute.

Just downloaded 144 songs over a span of two days. Heck yeah.

Ever since limewire shut down I was at a lose for downloading music. Someone suggested to me to covert youtube videos to mp3's. It worked for a while but I started realizing it made them a crappy quantity and took way to long. NOW. I AM USING THIS FREAKING AWESOME PROGRAM CALLED ORBIT.
I LOVE MY LIFE. I basically just record things that are playing.streaming from my computer. Whether it be from youtube, Pandora, grooveshark or tumblr. Ughhh so happy, not to mention, majority of the files come with album art, so everything looks pretty. :)

So yeah. That put me in a semi good mood. I'm not even going to to talk about my weekends at my friends house. I pulled an all-nighter, I can tell you that. Well...ok I guess I'll say a little more. I played badminton with Jacob (my friends house I stayed at, I've know him since like 3rd grade) and his little sister Olivia like all day Sunday because it was super nice out. I'm still sore but it was so much fun. Plus, I even got a little tan. ;) I told them next Sunday day we should all play again.

AT this point I just figured I won't be able to lose any weight until summer. School is to stressful and it makes me binge all the time. So whatever.

I'm trying not to weigh myself really until September, but eh, I think I will and not post it. It's so shameful its ridiculous.
But I will post this:

LilySlim Weight loss tickers

How much weight I would like to at least lose before school starts again in the fall. Even more than that if I can. Summer
I simply can not wait for summer.

My grade went up to a 68% In algebra 2. Thats a whooping 7% difference, even though I just did really well on my last test and only missed 2. Still an effing D.
I'm such a failure. I only have two A's at the moment.
Spanish: 82 %. My fault, I didn't turn in a bunch of homework because I was lazy. Have a test this Friday and I'm going to study hard for it.
English: 81% Did really bad on a paper. This should improve soon because I've been doing well on quizzes.
Drawing 2: 97%
Chemistry: 94%
Economics: 84%. Should improve soon. Taking a test tomorrow and I'm studying super hard tonight for it.

ughh so awful.