Monday, December 27, 2010

My selfish reasons.

I've been feeling more down that usually lately. I just worthless and depressed. Not that anyone cares.

Nobody cares. Nobody truly cares. I've just been feeling less loved everywhere. I mean, I've always felt out of the loop with my friends and such, so much to the point it is my daily life now and I'm just used it. That stuff made me cry myself to sleep every night a year ago. But now, I feel like even people on PT don't care. If you think about it, we're all here for our own selfish reasons.

What kills me the most about my ED, is that it's all about it me, you know? I feel so selfish. I just want to yell and myself and be like "god why can't you take a little time out of your day to care for someone else for once and your life?!" But then I realize, I've tried to care for other people before, but I just end up getting hurt because they couldn't care for me the same way I could for them.

I'm going to clean my room. Then later play the sims 2 and even paint if I have time. Not like it matters, it will just suck anyway. Ugh. School is coming up. I have to back to school exactly a week from now. This break went by way to fast. I have to spend all of January of my break because I have a crap loud of homework. fml.

I would post of my pictures for last week, but I feel to lazy to do so. Plus I'm so fat in them there's no point in even posting.

Friday, December 24, 2010

The show must go on.

It is literally taking all my energy to type this right now. All I want to do is sleep, and put this day behind me.

I can't even talk about it. Just thinking about it making me cry. How can I sum this up? Basically, like every year, my family went around today pretending like everything was perfect and oh so great. That we were some "cookie cutter" perfect family with no problems. The kind you see on TV. Of course it all blew up in our face.

Long story short, my dad got really pissed of at me or something INCREDIBLY SMALL. AND FOR SOME STUPID REASON, my mom chose today of all days to stand up for me and and herself. Thus, ensued the worst argument my parents have ever had. Things were thrown. All before our guests would be arriving in 5 minutes. My dad came inches away from hitting me, but instead took his anger out on the door which he punched a hole through.

At this point, I'm crying my eyes out and my makeup is smearing. The doorbell rings and everybody goes silent. There are multiple things that happened at once. I ran to the bathroom, my dad answered the door with a bright cheery face, and my mom and brother oftered to get the first guest a drink and take their coat. I came out of the bathroom 2 minutes later, fighting to keep myself together. Luckily the first people that arrived were my cousins that are only 4 and 7 years old. So all they said was "do you have something in your eyes? :P " And my response was I had gotten hairspray in my eyes.

I spent the entire evening fighting to keep the tears back, keeping myself distracted by playing with my cousins, then later sneaking them my chocolate I didn't want. I ate food to please my mom. Had one square of gerideli chocolate. I ate it mindlessly. When I finished it I didn't even remember what I had been eating. It feels weird, not having totally indulged in my family meal. I was sick to eat. I didn't even finish all my food, because for once in my life, I actually wasn't feeling good. Not just lying saying I was sick to get out of a meal.

I avoided all eye contact with my dad for the rest of the night, I didn't even go near him. His face sickens me. I don't even know how my parents are still together. Staying together for the kids, I suppose. What worse is that they just invited me to watch a movie downstairs with them like everything is ok. WTF. Thats my family for you. Repress your feelings and pretend like nothing happened. The show must go on. Thanks for passing those genes on. -_-

-->Apparently, when you go to college, if gives you the right to cuss. My brother comes home from college and is now cussing, even through he swore he never would and that he didn't like "cuss words". Not that I care, it's just I grew up with my dads angry rages where all I would hear was fuck you, to hell with you ect. so it's not like I don't know what they are. They just...disturb me. They rub me the wrong way since my childhood is associated with that. Cusswords>dads angry fits of rage> me crying myself to sleep at night in elementary school.

whatever. Screw this. Screw Christmas. Screw them. I'm going to bed early to do 300 sit ups and 200+ squats.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Where you going to go with a head that emtpy?

Today was an ok today. It started off terrible. I only got 6 hours of sleep so I didn't go to church this morning with my brother like he wanted me to. So for the 30 minutes that he waited for his ride, all he did was complain about me, what a horrible person I am..ect. And I could hear it all. Plus the comments my mom was making as well.

It never occurred to me that he need me to go though. I had forgotten how his ex would be there and her family freaking hates my brother. I'm such a Jerk.

Then we he came home, of course, he acted like nothing happened,. This seems to be a family trait. Bottle everything up and every once and a while have mental breakdowns then move on with your life. Yep, my family.

After this we all went out into gorge and went on a hike. It was freezing and snowing. It was a stupid hike we've done many times before but whatever. At least it's exercise. Then later we got soup and fries. I had only a cup of soup..but a bit to much french fries. For the entire day I had some hot chocolate (80 cals), two rice crispy treasts (180), two applesauces (100) But pluce the uncounted calories I'm guess 500-800 calories. Which kind of sucks because I was going for 500. Oh well.

I'm off to download songs. Before I go, I'm going to start this thing called "My week in Pictures" where basically I just show pictures from my week. That should pretty things up for my blog. Yeah. so. Bye, here are the pictures. :)

oh and AJDHASK it finally started freaking snowing! So expect pictures of that. XD
Click on pictures for larger more high quality versions. :) They are in order of when I took them. (with my new camera!)


My Nail Polish/ Our Christmas tree from the top of the stairs

Picture from hike/ Snow in Front of my house(and Candy Cane lights XD)

More lights in front of my house, wrapped around pillars and on the bushes.

Thanks for looking. Hope you all are well. xx

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I don't want to work it out anymore.

I'm. really. bored. It's like 11:30 at night, and I just finished watching two Kim Possible movies on youtube and a couple episodes of 6teen. I miss my childhood. -_-

Today sucked. I basically stayed up til 12 last night doing homework which I didn't even end of finishing.I only got 6 hours of freaking sleep. I had a test in Algebra 2 I didn't even study for and I just realized I got the first two answer wrong. ffffffffudge. That just kills me. Stupid stupid me. If I would have just checked them, I would have saw my mistakes. Of courses I checked all the ones on the back, so that should be ok. But the ones on the front I screwed up on.

Not only that, but In government I got my Bibliography back with a low score on it. Which I was supposed to edit and add 2 more sources for my official Outline which was turned into today. Pretty sure I'm going to fail that to. This sucks. Government sucks. It's the only lass I have a C in and it's all because I was to FREAKING LAZY to do currents events in the beginning on the year. I hate my stupid, procrastinating fat self. -_- FAILURE.

Luckily the Chemistry quiz was postponed because I don't know half the crap we're doing in that class. I hate that class to. I'm so incredibly awkward in that class. Thank god it's winter break.


I was thinking that I really should put more colors and creativity into my blogs. Plan on seeing that crap. Also, might start putting thinspo pictures in my blog. But no promises.

Tomorrow I have to go to the mall with my friends. We've been planning it for like a month and we finally all found a date when we could go. but I really I've been making up excuses not to. I know it's going to be an all day thing. So mom will make me eat breakfast before i leave, will have to eat at the mall not to arise suspicion. Then home just in time for dinner. LUCKY ME. I'm a horrible person. I know they've probably texted me for time to meet up, but my phone is in my brothers cars, so there really nothing I can do about that. still though. I'm a jerk.

Other news, I sadly finished this amazing book today. The second I got home I sat down and read it. It's called the Hunger Games and I loved it. @____@ It's the first in the series and the next to are already and and I'm so flippin excited. I might just pick up a copy with out with Danika and Lindsey. Then again...they've never been really ones for reading in their free time.

Wow. I'm such a fake, afraid of being judgmental jerk. To top it off, a fat failure who procrastinates. UGH. CRAP TODAY SUCKED OK. I know it could have been worse...I've had a lot worse. Ugh school is just stressing me out and my effing acne is pissing me off. There, I said it. -_-

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Things are maybe looking up?

WELL. Hey there! For once I'm actually in an ok mood- I'm kind gushy almost really. For a couple of reasons. WARNING:I'M PATHETIC.

Today started off bad because I woke up late and had to rush to get ready for school. Because of this, I didn't have time to set out a fake bowl of finished cereal to make it look like I had eaten breakfast. I always have to do this or my mom literally will force food down me and question me about it. I didn't do it because I didn't wake up at my regular time, I wasn't up before her. She made me eat this weird Cinnamon cereal bar thing. Which was 140 calories and was so good. (sadly) I'm glad it's the last one though. With my brother being home Christmas he eats majority of the bad food around so I don't have to worry much.

I like having my brother home, but he can say really mean things that lead to me to crying all night. He's been home for like a week now and has only made me cry twice, so that's good.

ANYWAY, got on a tangent there- back to my day. Most of it's guy related but I'm going to get right to it. Ok. Heres where the pathetic comes in...a guy asked for my number today. sdjkf. Thats literally never happened before! (I'm so lame) The few times I've talked to guys in the past, I got their number's from my friends like Carrie. Anyway though, my phone was dead and I had recently gotten a new number so I couldn't tell him. Then he asked if I had a facebook and I said no because I hate social net working sites. So instead he gave me his number and told me to text him. In all honestly, I'm probably not going to text him. He's nice, but sort of a creep/douche. He hangs out with all these obnoxious kids in my class and I already know by just seeing the way he acts in class, we won't get along. I know, I'm a b-otch. :/

Another guy thing that happened today...I clearly saw Devin stareing at me today multiple times. And when I caught him looking at me one of the times, he didn't stop looking at me. GDFSUHGSKDF :D. But then he looked at this friend and laughed then looked back me and smiled. So I can't help but have that gnawing feeling in stomach and there's a joke between his friend about me. How pathetic I am. How fat I am. How and ugly girl can be even looking at him. Buttttt trying to stay positive. sigh.

AND HERES the big part, he actually talked to me, (DOUBLE DOES ON LAMENESS/BEING PATHETIC) It was a really simple sentence, though. I was passing out cookies as instructed by the sub in health class. And welll this is what happened:

Me: " want a cookie?" :)
him: "Yeah sure, can I have two?" *smiles up at me adorably* :D
Me: "sure go ahead."
Him:" Alright cool. thanks. Hey your in my spanish class right?"
Me: "ahh yes."

Then I walked away because I had to pass out the rest of the cookies. I know I'm so lame. But that quick conversation filled me with hope and gushyness. I know that he was just trying to be cool though, because he's also in my English class (plus health and spanish. so 3/4 classes that day) and he had clearly seen me in his English class before and spanish class. Especially in spanish because the teacher has notecards with all our names on them so everybody in class gets called evenly on all questions. I'm pretty sure I've felt the entire room starting at me when I've said something stupid out loud that was wrong. So yes he's obviously seen before.

Still though. I just feel...gushy. Yep. And I ate ok for food wise today. Turns on the random weight gain I had a couple of days ago is my my monthly gift. :P (My really comes every other month though because of my ED and binging. Its really irregular) Anyway! So that lightened my mood to, knowing that my metabolism is going to be extra high during this time. YEAY I can actually burn some fat off for once. So things are ...alright!

OH. AND HELLO to my 7 followers! You all have left such nice comments and I plan to fallow you all back!

Wow, that was a long post. Ah well. Why don't you check out this vide0, It makes me laugh and hopefully it will perk up your mood if your feeling down:

The Schnitzel Song

hahah. SO creepy but funny. I love hoodwinked. Have a good day, I hope you enjoyed it. :)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

How did you get this way?

Failure is becoming apart of my daily life now. Everyday now I'm binging. And because of the really bad one I had a couple days ago...I'm up 2 pounds. fml. I have no emotions left. I feel like at this point I'm so used to it, it doesn't make a difference. Though, at the end of the day I went down pound. It still doesn't make much of a difference on the other two pounds I gained a couple of weeks back.

ugh..I just. can't even..

Everyday I think about this crap. Every hour. Every minute. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about it. The way I see it...the only way I can be truly happy, confident AND have a BF is if I'm thin.

Yet, it still doesn't feel like enough incentive. I just feel so emotionless. I've grown so apathetic towards my ED.

On the 'light' side of things, I got my new camera today.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Where did all the control go.

Stupid. stupid..stupid. miserable failure.

Can you guess how my fast went? Today sucked. I was doing fine fast wise untill OF COURSE dinner time when I was home alone. God this is just to the point now where it's pissing me off. I'M GOING TO START COUNTING BINGE FREE DAYS TOMORROW. I believe I ate anywhere from 1000-1500. I'm to pissed/depressed/stressed to count them all up right now.

What happened to me. I used to be so in control. I actually went months without binging. The very though of food grossed me out. Fasting was easy. I think this was when I was in the very middle of my ED, when I was only anorexic. But now that I'm always floating in this area between relapsing and recovery...I'm now EDNOS and anorexia. I remember the summer from 8th to freshman year of high school. I actually had an incentive to fast and restrict. I remember exactly what I ate almost every day.

Cran-rasberry juice frozen into ice cubes. Sometimes wheat thins or cheese sticks. And that was it. Everyday. The weird thing is, I didn't judge what i ate on calories, I Judged on quantity. I have absolutely no idea how I managed this. I could never do that now. I always know the calorie content on everything. I HAVE TO KNOW. Weird thing also is that I didn't really exercise either. The only thing I did was anywhere from 100-400 crunches a day, because back then I was super paranoid about my stomach.

Ugh. this week has been crap. If I'm not even exposed to Christmas foods now and I'm binging, how the heck am I not going to binge during Christmas!?!?

AND WHAT THE HECK, I've tried to change my blog layout like a million times and its not working. It's really PISSING ME OFF.

Monday, December 6, 2010

I'm tired of this never ending cycle.

Ok. So, I'm and idiot because I FINALLY just figured out how to see if people are fallowing me. And guess what? Nobody is. -_- wow I'm cool.

I mean I didn't expect like 20 people or anything...but I though maybe a few people would care. I'm fallowing about 20 of you guys from PT. But no one is fallowing me back? Excuse me if I sound selfish or conceited...but I dunno, that just kind of hurts. Maybe it's a problem with blogger, or many you guys couldn't fallow because I didn't put the fallowing thing? I'm not sure. But it just slaps me in the face and reminds me that I really have no one. No one.

I'm fasting tomorrow because I'm pathetic and I don't deserve to eat. My mom is downtown that whole day and then is going to some work dinner thing so it works out well. I'm going to start counting my binge free days again, because that kept me from binging 2 summers ago when I lost my initial 20 pounds. I'm going to work out a crap load on Christmas break. I want to lose weight. I'm so tired of putting it all off. NOW. I MUST BE THIN NOW.

Well. I guess I'm off to do homework. Not that anyone cares.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Trying to stay Binge free.

Another Post from PT. My suggestions on trying not to binge. This is what works well for me, so i can't guarantee they will work well for you. xx

Look up tons of thinspo on the internet. And I mean ANYWHERE. Go on google and search your favorite people that are thin (actors, musicians, models...ect). Save them to an album on your computer, or if it's shared, into and account on photo bucket. Look up every single Victoria secret model and save pictures of them to. Look up fashion blogs on tumblr. Save all your favorite photos to an album then watch a slide show of them.

I recently started doing this about a week ago. It really helps with binges. Every time you want to binge you just watch the slide show. Mine has over 200 pictures and I watch it on the slowest speed possible. It takes a REALLY long time to watch it. And don't let yourself skip photos!

You can also try-

addicitng games

cleaning your room

make a thinspo journal

WATCH THIS MOVIE: Angus Thongs And Perfect Snogging

Look up clothes on the internet at your favorite stores.look op fail videos on youtube...ect. Anything that comes to mind. If you have to, count to 100 the slowest you most possibly can looking at the ceiling. Everything you reach another number, name a reason to be thin, why you strong, why food is gross..ect