Friday, December 24, 2010

The show must go on.

It is literally taking all my energy to type this right now. All I want to do is sleep, and put this day behind me.

I can't even talk about it. Just thinking about it making me cry. How can I sum this up? Basically, like every year, my family went around today pretending like everything was perfect and oh so great. That we were some "cookie cutter" perfect family with no problems. The kind you see on TV. Of course it all blew up in our face.

Long story short, my dad got really pissed of at me or something INCREDIBLY SMALL. AND FOR SOME STUPID REASON, my mom chose today of all days to stand up for me and and herself. Thus, ensued the worst argument my parents have ever had. Things were thrown. All before our guests would be arriving in 5 minutes. My dad came inches away from hitting me, but instead took his anger out on the door which he punched a hole through.

At this point, I'm crying my eyes out and my makeup is smearing. The doorbell rings and everybody goes silent. There are multiple things that happened at once. I ran to the bathroom, my dad answered the door with a bright cheery face, and my mom and brother oftered to get the first guest a drink and take their coat. I came out of the bathroom 2 minutes later, fighting to keep myself together. Luckily the first people that arrived were my cousins that are only 4 and 7 years old. So all they said was "do you have something in your eyes? :P " And my response was I had gotten hairspray in my eyes.

I spent the entire evening fighting to keep the tears back, keeping myself distracted by playing with my cousins, then later sneaking them my chocolate I didn't want. I ate food to please my mom. Had one square of gerideli chocolate. I ate it mindlessly. When I finished it I didn't even remember what I had been eating. It feels weird, not having totally indulged in my family meal. I was sick to eat. I didn't even finish all my food, because for once in my life, I actually wasn't feeling good. Not just lying saying I was sick to get out of a meal.

I avoided all eye contact with my dad for the rest of the night, I didn't even go near him. His face sickens me. I don't even know how my parents are still together. Staying together for the kids, I suppose. What worse is that they just invited me to watch a movie downstairs with them like everything is ok. WTF. Thats my family for you. Repress your feelings and pretend like nothing happened. The show must go on. Thanks for passing those genes on. -_-

-->Apparently, when you go to college, if gives you the right to cuss. My brother comes home from college and is now cussing, even through he swore he never would and that he didn't like "cuss words". Not that I care, it's just I grew up with my dads angry rages where all I would hear was fuck you, to hell with you ect. so it's not like I don't know what they are. They just...disturb me. They rub me the wrong way since my childhood is associated with that. Cusswords>dads angry fits of rage> me crying myself to sleep at night in elementary school.

whatever. Screw this. Screw Christmas. Screw them. I'm going to bed early to do 300 sit ups and 200+ squats.

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