oh god. It all coming back. I can feel my depression coming back. I thought I was managing it but apparently not. I feel trapped inside my fat ugly body, walking around soulless and mindless.
I just space out so much more easily again. I was laying on the ground on a sun spot in my room today because it felt warm. Next thing I knew it was 30 minutes later. The same thoughts going over and over in my mind, like a conveyor belt.
Why. can't. i. be. pretty. like. her.
Why .can't .i .be .thin. like .them.
Why .can't .i .be .happy.
WHY WHY WHY.
The crying myself to sleep every night is coming back as well. I know the signs of crying by heart. The sudden flash of old memories, the thoughts that slam inside my head. Telling me I'm never going to be good enough. This is around the time when my nose starts to tingle, starting from the bottom going up, making me wrinkle it repeatedly. "I'm not crying, I can't do this now." The tightening in my chest begins, along with it's best friend, quickened breathing. My throat begins to close, feeling like I can't breathe. Then, it starts slowly. The tears build up around the rim of my eyelids, threatening to overflow at one blink, one movement, one memory. I think to myself "I have to push it aside, not here, not now. You must keep up the act." The plastered on smile seeps onto my face again, like a leach. After blinking multiple times, the tears reside slowly back in, waiting for their time again. Air comes through like I had been holding my breath under water, resurfacing for the first time. The feeling that my chest is compressed lets up, but then is replaced by the sickening feeling of guilt and disgust in my stomach. Weakness. I will do better.
Yes, this is my life. Doubt anyone read that