Friday, January 27, 2012

Finals over, self esteem lower.

Yes the title says all. My finals are finally over and I'm pretty sure I failed at least half of them.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about my memory and school. Everyone seems to have better memory than me, they remember things they read, things they hear ect. I always do reading for all my classes and take more notes than anyone, but it anyone asked for me to recall it a day mind goes blank. It scares me to think that my eating disorder has possibly effected me in this way. I used to be so much smarter, or maybe I was more naive then and less self aware. Hit to self esteem.

I went to the store yesterday. Saw an incredibly hot guy, and for some reason I decided I would at least act confident. So I was smiling, laughing and basically being a loud idiot. He ignored me. And then went to talk to his co-worker, a girl who goes to my school that wears tons of make up and is so tiny. Yep, that is my life. Another hit to the self esteem.

OH! I've also been really wanting to write lately but just can't get it out of my system. I have this great idea and really want to write but can't seem to put fingers to keyboard- so to speak. I guess I'm just scared. One of the things that trigger me is people criticizing my art/writing ect. It was one of the things that contributed to my ED. I was told I was a terrible writer and should stop. So going there is a bit of a sore spot and I am a little apprehensive. BAM, NO ESTEEM.

Today I ate pretty well. And I had been exercising pretty consistently. I was also finally getting back into my usual routine of crunches. My mom made pizza and I threw away mine when she wasn't looking, but did eat a candy bar in front of her and a granola bar. Total for the day was at 780. High, but not bad compared to what I was doing as of lately.

Then, it all goes down hill.
My mother remarks "You've been eating a lot of junk lately."
Me: "not really.."
Mom: "You've actually been eating a lot of junk today, and I've been noticing you've been looking a little, well, fuller lately, and you were complaining about being sore from the gym. You have p.e next semester and maybe its time to start exercising more and eating better."

What the fuck. I had to leave the room quickly before I started crying right in front of her. How dare she. HER- the mother fucking yo-yo dieter that has crap all the time. The reason I complain being sore is to seem normal, I am not fucking sore because I workout all the time. But you just don't see that, do you? I had only 780 calories and she tells me I've been having junk!? After watching me eat one candy bar!? I'm disgusted with her and myself.

Its comments like that that making me cry myself to sleep at night. Subtle comments that are daggers. Thanks mom, I'm off to do 200 sit ups, jumping jacks and lunges. Tomorrow? A fast. What a wonderful role model I have in my midst's.

The final blow takes it toll.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Apparently I'm Emotionless.

Finally posting.I'm been super stressed with school. I have a four day weekend (thank god!) Three days of school and then next week is finals. Pretty nervous. I really want to get all A's...or i might cry..hmm yep.

Things have been....meh. The same crap as usual. We changed seats in math and I'm pissed. I was finally sitting by normal people who actually did work on the in class work and group tests now I'm stuck witch a bunch of idiots. One always leaves and joined others tables, selfishly always ensuring he gets good scores instead of actually helping our table. The other one is barely ever there because of cross country. And the third is annoying as hell and pisses me off.
His name is...Deqwandre? I think. Either way hes loud obnoxious and rude. On Thursday,( the last day I had that class) he told me this:

Him: "Yo why are you always so chill?"
"What do you mean.."
"You let me take your calculator everyday and you never say anything, you barely ever barely ever smile!"
Me: "Well I just figure it nice to share, especially if using the calculator helps you understand the notes I figure-"
"You are literally one of the most emotionless people I have ever met. Seriously, have you ever been hugged, like a day in your life?"
*Looks over to the table behind this* "Haha are you guys hearing this? " (The table behind us proceeds to laugh)

I was between fuming and depressed. Not only did this comment piss me off but it only confirmed all the insecurities I have with talking people I don't know. Instantly at that point I wanted to cry and crawl into a ball.
Obviously I know I am a freakin emotionless robot. Which is why I cry myself to sleep a lot, somehow I manage to have that concept of emotion down.

I'm going to be alone forever. Fat forever. Ugly forever. I'm going to bed now. I'm going to cry and write in my journal. Made a new years resolution to draw everyday, so far I stuck to it. Should probably do that to.

Maybe I should draw a robot- oh, wait, I already have.