Friday, January 27, 2012

Finals over, self esteem lower.

Yes the title says all. My finals are finally over and I'm pretty sure I failed at least half of them.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about my memory and school. Everyone seems to have better memory than me, they remember things they read, things they hear ect. I always do reading for all my classes and take more notes than anyone, but it anyone asked for me to recall it a day mind goes blank. It scares me to think that my eating disorder has possibly effected me in this way. I used to be so much smarter, or maybe I was more naive then and less self aware. Hit to self esteem.

I went to the store yesterday. Saw an incredibly hot guy, and for some reason I decided I would at least act confident. So I was smiling, laughing and basically being a loud idiot. He ignored me. And then went to talk to his co-worker, a girl who goes to my school that wears tons of make up and is so tiny. Yep, that is my life. Another hit to the self esteem.

OH! I've also been really wanting to write lately but just can't get it out of my system. I have this great idea and really want to write but can't seem to put fingers to keyboard- so to speak. I guess I'm just scared. One of the things that trigger me is people criticizing my art/writing ect. It was one of the things that contributed to my ED. I was told I was a terrible writer and should stop. So going there is a bit of a sore spot and I am a little apprehensive. BAM, NO ESTEEM.

Today I ate pretty well. And I had been exercising pretty consistently. I was also finally getting back into my usual routine of crunches. My mom made pizza and I threw away mine when she wasn't looking, but did eat a candy bar in front of her and a granola bar. Total for the day was at 780. High, but not bad compared to what I was doing as of lately.

Then, it all goes down hill.
My mother remarks "You've been eating a lot of junk lately."
Me: "not really.."
Mom: "You've actually been eating a lot of junk today, and I've been noticing you've been looking a little, well, fuller lately, and you were complaining about being sore from the gym. You have p.e next semester and maybe its time to start exercising more and eating better."

What the fuck. I had to leave the room quickly before I started crying right in front of her. How dare she. HER- the mother fucking yo-yo dieter that has crap all the time. The reason I complain being sore is to seem normal, I am not fucking sore because I workout all the time. But you just don't see that, do you? I had only 780 calories and she tells me I've been having junk!? After watching me eat one candy bar!? I'm disgusted with her and myself.

Its comments like that that making me cry myself to sleep at night. Subtle comments that are daggers. Thanks mom, I'm off to do 200 sit ups, jumping jacks and lunges. Tomorrow? A fast. What a wonderful role model I have in my midst's.

The final blow takes it toll.


  1. Well that was incredibly insensitive of her. :/
    But hey, about the writing thing, when you write you're writing for YOU. So fuck what anyone else thinks. And whoever told you you're terrible and should stop was obviously an asshole, and not very smart. Even if you aren't amazing at writing, there's a little thing called practice that makes you better. :P Never give up. <3

  2. Aww I used to be like that before I was recovering :( I know it's shitty, but if it helps, it's not a pernament thing, and it is teh BEST feeling to have someone teach you stuff and to actually just take it in immediately.
    It's not pernament, but it is ED related I imagine :(

    If you want to write, then write! :) I have this stream which is literally just me ranting and ranting, and I started it nearly 2 years ago and it's over 1000 pages long. It was one of the best decisions I made when I was ill I think, so I definitely think you should go for it. As for the "mind blanks" when you try to type, maybe try something like a spider diagram to work out what your trying to say, or just type synonyms all word you're trying to think of if you get me? I'm not sure if that's the type of thing you mean, but seriously, i think you should write if you wanna write :)

    I'm SO sorry for what your mum said to you :( just try to ignore her i suppose but i get it is so much harder than that :(

    take care, xxxx