Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Sun Patch Effect videoo.

So. I made this on Thursday after my finals were over. Instead of hanging out with friends or going to mall to celebrate that finals were over like everybody else, I went home and layed in the sun for 30 minutes. Cried for a while. So that's kind of what this video is about, though I' acting a but happier in the video that how the events really took place....I still like it.

Enjoy! The first of many I hope. Please ignore how hideously fat and ugly I am.

X. Video taken down

Thursday, January 27, 2011

How I cry for you.

oh god. It all coming back. I can feel my depression coming back. I thought I was managing it but apparently not. I feel trapped inside my fat ugly body, walking around soulless and mindless.

I just space out so much more easily again. I was laying on the ground on a sun spot in my room today because it felt warm. Next thing I knew it was 30 minutes later. The same thoughts going over and over in my mind, like a conveyor belt.

Why. can't. i. be. pretty. like. her.
Why .can't .i .be .thin. like .them.
Why .can't .i .be .happy.


The crying myself to sleep every night is coming back as well. I know the signs of crying by heart. The sudden flash of old memories, the thoughts that slam inside my head. Telling me I'm never going to be good enough. This is around the time when my nose starts to tingle, starting from the bottom going up, making me wrinkle it repeatedly. "I'm not crying, I can't do this now." The tightening in my chest begins, along with it's best friend, quickened breathing. My throat begins to close, feeling like I can't breathe. Then, it starts slowly. The tears build up around the rim of my eyelids, threatening to overflow at one blink, one movement, one memory. I think to myself "I have to push it aside, not here, not now. You must keep up the act." The plastered on smile seeps onto my face again, like a leach. After blinking multiple times, the tears reside slowly back in, waiting for their time again. Air comes through like I had been holding my breath under water, resurfacing for the first time. The feeling that my chest is compressed lets up, but then is replaced by the sickening feeling of guilt and disgust in my stomach. Weakness. I will do better.

Yes, this is my life. Doubt anyone read that

Thursday, January 13, 2011

this feeling, it's never going away.

I can't even. I'm such a failure.

I'm never good enough. I'm not even good enough to be on PT. Worthless. Pathetic. I need to be down 20 pounds by spring break. I'm not coming on PT until I've lost at least 5-10 pounds. I'm disappearing. from the face of the earth.

Going to paint. Going to paint way my problems. Then clean my room. And study for my 8 different finals. Which I will all fail. Never good enough. No matter how hard I try...I will just mess up.
No more. No more. Time to do 200 more sit ups. It's coming back. It's all coming back. I don't expect anyone to understand this incoherent blog. Don't even bother commenting. I'm not worth your time.
Live and let live in solitude.

Monday, January 10, 2011

For you I bleed myself dry.

Like the title? It's coldplay lyrics. I don't cut but I like the lyrics.

Ugh..not feeling to good. Just spent a half an hour in the bathroom. I have been basically binging like a crap load lately. Way more than I normal do. Everyday was 1500-3000 calories. I went into the bathroom today to see my weight. Judgment time. 4 pounds. UP 4 FREAKING POUNDS. I basically flipped and and took a crap load of laxatives. Even though I know they only get rid of water weight, my sane mind wasn't listening. It never is.

Now I feel like utter crap and I have tons of homework to do and I have to study for tests. I'm scared for finals. They're in two weeks Mostly I'm just worried about chemistry and Government. I hate government and have missed a lot of chemistry classes. ugh.

I haven't been on PT lately because I laced motivation and was so ashamed of my binging. I felt worthless like I wasn't even good enough for the people on PT. I'm sick of being the fat shy girl in the room. I want to be the gorgeous skinny girl in my algebra 2 class. I want to the confident girl in my health class. I want to be the girl with gorgeous legs and hair in my government class. Why can't I have good skin or hair?! Why do i have to work for everything and others get things handed to them? Some people are skinny all their lives and don't even think twice about it. I think about it all the time.

My metabolism has basically gone in the trash. I swear anything I eat makes me gain instantly. I went to the gym twice this weekend which is unusual for me. That reminds me, I got stuck in my gym this weekend. They closed down while me and my mom were working out. Closed up and everything. We couldn't get out because the doors were locked so we had to call the police. He came and told us to go through all the staff's desk's to look for the manager's business card...ect. They literally left the main radio going, half the lights, and the TV'S! So wasteful! I was pissed at the time because they blamed it on us, not hearing the page over the intercom it was closing. BUT HELLO, People exercise with music in, idiots. -_-

I'm over it, I guess. I'm just tired. I need to take a cold show to clear my head. I still don't feel to good from the laxatives. Then I'm off to study. byeee.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

It begins

Feel like it's been a while since I posted. So, here I am. I didn't post because I felt so unloved but I've gotten over that like I always do.

Lets see, on Thursday my mom's friends came over, along with their kids and husbands. It was a miserable. There was a kid that came, his name was Chase. I've know him my entire life and he bugs THE FREAKING CRAP OUT OF ME. He's has ADHD and act's like a know it all and it pisses me off. Whats worse, is that he likes me. Or at least he used to. He told me that in 7th grade. Crossing my fingers he's moved on. -_-

On Friday I went to a friend's house for a party. It was really awkward at first but then things kicked off. It was just a chill party though. It made me realized how incredibly lame I am. But later in the party we made each other faint. Yeah, that's right, faint. LIKE THIS (not my video). It was kinda fun. I know I shouldn't joke about this, knowing people with ED's can blackout/faint. I've come close but never have. This was trippy though. Everyone reacted differently. Some people twitched a crap load, some people rolled there eyes...ect. I just went down. I fell own sluggishly, like I feel asleep. Apparently I took the longest to wake up. o_O I even had a dream. It was weird, they filmed me fainting so that's how I know what happened. Later we did the cinnamon test to, but I didn't participate. XD

Now here comes the depressing part of the night. When everybody left but 4 people including me to sleep over. Everyone was changing right in there, and I realized how incredibly fat I was. Every single person there was skinnier than me. One girl was a cheerleader and she had abs. Incredibly amazing body. She was perfect and peite. Whats worse is she used to have no boobs and be shorter and all the sudden she had a growth spurt and now she's gorgeous, confident...ect. She had naturally beauty and ughhh. Apparently her "big sexy hair" is what attracts all the guys to her. I want her hair to. It's gorgeous. Long, red and wavy.

EVERYONE THERE HAD NATURAL BEAUTY EXPECT ME. WTF. 'm determined to be beautiful and thin this year. I want to be happy. I need to be happy. There's a sandwich next to me, and it's going down the toilet. No more food today. I'm cracking down. I have to do this.

Off to workout with my reebok easy tone shoes.