Saturday, July 7, 2012

I don't need to be saved.

It's been a while, sorry bout' that.

I just feel like a stranger everywhere. In my own skin, my own mind. My bed isn't my own, shit- this blog doesn't even feel like it belongs to me.

I just want this all to end. I want to be loved, you don't know how badly I want to be loved by myself.

My mind just isn't shutting off. nothing.Meaningless.emptiness.pointless.obsolete.

Over and over and over.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Take in a breath and let out a sigh.

The past couple of days have been bleh.

On my last entry I was kinda freaking out because I was pissed that I binged on some chicken noodle soup. I know completely pathetic but I had been doing well and just felt so stupid. In that one moment everything was out of control. The day before I had lost 2 pounds and I thought because of that binge I would gain it back.

I was so upset, all I could think about was SI. I hadn't done SI since the beginning of my eating disorder, which was about 5 or 4 years ago. Without thinking I grabbed some scissors and just started trying to cut. But they were too dull and I was getting upset. For whatever reason I checked out PT first before I was going to hunt down some razors but an amazing message lovelybones on Gilmore girls kept me from doing that. So I can't thank her enough. <3
Next morning (Monday), I woke to find that apparently some damage had been done with the scissors though I didn't feel anything. 
There's a couple more smaller ones on the other side. Nothing major.  

Monday I was pleasantly surprised to see even with the binge I was at the same weight. I have no idea how that happened.  I had a total of 250 calories, minus 550 form working out. Total -300. Yesterday I also went and saw Snow White & The Huntsman with a friend. It was relatively good I must say. I saw this kid who I knew in elementary school working there (hes goes to a different school now). Boy did he look attractive. He kept looking at me like he recognized me haha. I was going to go over and say something to him (which would have been awfully daring and usual for me ) after the movie but I couldn't find him. Is it creepy now that I know what day he works I might go see another movie on that day just to say high. *_* Hes like super attractive now..tall, skinny and muscular..,good face...asldkjal.

Woke up today and I weighed myself, down another pound. But I realized later I did this before I went to the bathroom, so its probably inaccurate. -_- My mom invited me to go to lunch with her and my grandma and I tried to bad to get out of it but I ended up having to go. I had a bread stick (150) and a bowl of Zuppa Toscana (170)...I call bullshit.There no way that soup is so low in calories because it is just so effing' good. I felt so bloated and uncomfortably full after the meal. I added 300 calories to the meal just in case. So total is 620. I'm going to go the gym soon and I'll update after that.


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me

Always too fat, too ugly, lazy, shy, too stupid to be loved.

When will I ever realize this. I have come to the conclusion of acceptably. Its time to grow up, it's time to face the unavoidable fate. It's time to move on and let live.

I forgive you, both A & C, for all the shitty things you guys both did to me. Not so much do I forgive you but I am forgiving myself, for my nativity, arrogance, judgment and pride.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sleeping Lessons ~

I hate starting blogs, it's the worst.

The past couple of days have been crazy. My dad was given money from a friend for selling some of her stuff, so he decided that we would spend a night downtown in a hotel. It was suppose to be a sort of "last hurrah" before my brother left for work in Alaska. It was cool. I binged a lot...still the same weight wtf how does that happened. It was really cool hotel though all the rooms were named after songs, and in the rooms they had the lyrics around the door. We had two rooms because it was two people to a room and my brothers GF was there so LUCKY ME, I got to sleep on the floor.

Our room was The Black Parade, by my Chemical Romance, and my brother and his gf got Sleeping Lessons, by the Shins. (SO JEALOUS)
Picture of the Door, View from Hotel

This last picture was from a sort of indoor arboretum where you could have dinner. My dad took us there for a treat which was nice I guess. It was really pretty though. 

So that was cool. Next day was a 3 hour drive with my brother, his girlfriend, and his friend S (the one I've know forever) to the airport. That was nice I guess, just to be away from the parents and to experience life outside my room. I literally do no get out enough. Had 6in subway sandwich for dinner on drive. We stayed at S's cousins because their flight was at 8 am and they had to be there at 6, so yeay waking up at 4:45am! 

Last night was my first night in my own bed in two days, so that was nice. Its been raining here the past couple of days. I woke up today with a terrible sinus headache which really pisses me off because I hate starting the day that way. And my stupid humidifier won't work, what the hell. Maybe I'l just sleep all day..I wish.

I decided that I'm going to make some sort of montage video today. Maybe I'll post it, we'll see. . I'm going to go make some 85 cal soup to help, then go to the gym hopefully when it stops. I'm also going to stop by our sporting good store and get a workout jump rope which I've been really wanting lately. I've also been wanting to trying cycling lately as I think i'm going to try it at the gym.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Those dark recesses of your mind.

Not much has happened since my last post. Of course nobody is talking about what happened last weekend. Just shove it away, in those dark recesses of your mind. Suppress, suppress, suppress. 

Been going to the gym/working out everyday. Around 800 calories a day. Binged yesterday at 200 calories with some Chinese food.whatapig. God dammit Chinese food, you will always be my weakness. Probably because that screw up a didn't lose. (this is where I preceded to get up and check my weight just to be sure) YEP NOT ONE DAMN POUND.  

Then yesterday my mom wanted to do some bonding so she made me go get my nails done. Its really weird. ITS REALLY HARD TO TYPE. And scratch things. It like learning to do everything over again rawr. I feel very high maintenance. 
picture. sorry my fingers are fat.

And then today my dad won't let me take the car to workout. I really need to work out, like now. I need to see the calories burned, I have to feel the sweat on my forehead. Tomorrow my bother is leaving for Alaska for work so we're staying a night in a hotel downtown and going out to dinner. So obviously with the dinner implied I must go to the gym. Now.

Then I'm driving with his girlfriend, and my brothers friend (who I've known for my entire life, his little brother and I are friends) on a 3 hour drive up to a certain airport. And then me and my brothers girlfriend get to drive back. That's going to be a semi-awkward drive. Shes already crying now about him leaving soon, and she still has two days.

So these next couple of days have my stressing about food. Being around people and food, not one of my favorites. Luckily my mom is doing a marathon thing a couple towns away this weekend so I'll have 3 days without her obsessive hawk eyes. woot.

COMMENTS. (click below)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Can I go to sleep already.

My Fathers Day wasn't so great.

Hey there bloggy blog, its been a while. Sorry about that. School and final exams were taking up all my time. Now I'm free as a bird. Hah pun on username. *Le Snort*. I'm super tired, its been a long weekend.Being fathers day weekend and my brother getting out of school at the same time we all went on a one night trip thing with the fam. 

It was fine at first. 
But, being my family, things had to go sour eventually. And they did. Why did I think that even for a weekend everything could be fine. Long story short my brother and dad got in a huge verbal fight in a public restaurant. Many heard. Then we sat in quite for a long time, my dad fuming with anger, my mom trying to make awkward conversations about bushes, my brother starring at his feet. Finally my brother got up and left the restaurant.

I was sick to my stomach by this time. Didn't have breakfast or lunch. Had a caesar salad at dinner- my stomach crawled inside me, asking why I was doing this. Walked around town for a bit with my dad, I was forced to since my mom wanted to talk alone to my brother and get food in him since he left before his order came. My mind counted steps and estimated calories. The hotel we stay at had a mini gym which was nice. I did the elliptical for an hour, ran for 15 min. Just short of 800 calories burned. 

To increase the awkward intensity of night, we went to a movie at 9:30, so we could all have an excuse not to talk to each other and turn the world off. We saw Prometheus- what the fuck was that. 
Next morning (today) things were still tense. I just wanted to get home. Do sit ups and be able to go to the regular gym and stay home from the outside world. 

I keep seeing this posts on tumblr about dads and how great they are and how they will always be "there little girls". My mind draws a blank. All I can think about is anger. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

“Fat People Always Complain"

My “friend” said this yesterday.
It had me seriously questioning whether or not is was directed at me. I tend to have an overal negative attitued and I’m fat as fuck- so they go together.
Still, how terrible is that. Then she went to proceed to talk about all the people that complain all the time in our classes and how fat they are.
Oh humanity, I lose faith in you everyday.

Real post....eventually. I have to stop living my blog for anybody else but me.
PSSST. New tumblr (mainly for ED) Polar Winds

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Teachers strike = stress

So I just switched over from Firefox to chrome and oh my goodness, the shape is crazy. Like the way you compose a new post..its take up the entire page like a document on gmail.

v Click read more if you wish to read about it

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

lol hate my P.E class

I was told to "shut the fuck up you stupid sarcastic bitch" today. How nice. And at least half of the p.e class heard. even better.

Douchebag. Didn't eat all day and went to the gym. I wasn't going to because I didn't have time but I felt so pathetic after that I had to. Burned 660 calories, which is better than my usual of 450.

Should have been there longer. I'm such a fatass.

A real post soon.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Crying myself to sleep tonight- reminds me of the good ol' times.

oh sigh, very tried- very depressed.

I've been thinking more and more self harm lately. I've never self harmed, mostly just because I've never had the resources, never felt much of a need, and just didn't have the balls to do it.

But I tried to, tonight.
Don't worry, it didn't work.

Let me start from the beginning on my day, I went to a Chinese new year thing for activity/volunteer hours for my school. We painted faces, and such. I had already been feeling more down than usual lately. With my overall laziness and jealousy of others- it had been a bad week. Plus my face was breakout out and more than ever I've just been hating everything about myself lately. I crave control in my life. With this event, my friends were there. They are all dressed perfectly and effortless pretty. 2 out of 3 not even wearing foundation and still looking perfect. The other that was didn't even need it because she already is gorgeous.

I had fasted until about dinner, when my mom wanted to go out to dinner my my grandma and aunt since my dad was out of town. Tried to get out it- couldn't. So I would just get a salad. Long story short was called a spoiled brat by my bitch of an aunt and it just set me off. I was already a ticking time bomb. The rest of the dinner she made snotty comments about me. I though my mom would be on my side be started calling me "a stupid teenager" ect. I was going to talk to her about it but it went out the door after that. I was just mad at my aunt. My mom didn't talk to me the whole way home like its my fault.

I already know I'm a horrible and ugly person okay? This weekend didn't exactly go as I planned.

Got home and as my mom went to get the mail, I ran to my bathroom upstairs and proceeded to cry as I once again tried to make myself purge. After trying for about 20 minutes, I looked over and saw my razor on the bathtub. Basically broke it apart to try to get the actually little razors apart- which were already old and dull. I knew it wouldn't work but I tried anyway- I needed punishment. I tried pressing them to my skin multiple times and all that happened was some fucking irritation.

Things to secret get next time I'm at the store:
  • Razor blades
  • stretchmarks cream/ bio oil
I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Didn't you hear, Jealousy is on the rise again!

Eyyyy been a week or so. New week of the semester started. Only half a year left of junior year, thank god. Need to get out of here already.

Things have been..meh. I still haven't gotten around to writing. I really want to I just never seem to get around to it. Maybe I'll force myself to sit down and WRITE. I'm just so extremely self conscious about my art and writing, I know its crap without even doing it. No amount of words can change that.

I just want to be happy, I just want to be a normal happy person. Someone who knew what they were and didn't care what others thought. Having natural beauty always helps too....

There's just this girl in some of my classes I just cant help but be overwhelmingly jealous of her. I don't think I've ever been so jealous of someone. She has natural beauty and has these gorgeous blue eyes. She just slaps on some mascara and BAM , PERFECT. While I pack on tons of everything to hide my nasty skin, not to mention ton of eyeshadow and blah. Just so you can get an idea, she looks like freakin Alexis Bledel. She has this perfect body, and gets all A's. All the girls always say how perfect she is, how beautiful she is. Her style is effortless, and shes nice to everybody, confident but not too confident. And she doesn't care what people think, she doesn't care if people see she knows/talks about deeper meanings in things. If I were to say half the things she does on those deeper things people would look at me like I'm crazy.

Ugh, sigh. Jealousy is eating me inside. Everyday I see this perfect vision of myself in my head. And everyday it seems farther away.

I'm going to spend a large part of this weekend alone. Cleaning my room and working out. Be a hermit and foo my homework early for no reason at all. Its my brothers birthday this weekend so there will be a small family gathering, I'm sure.

I forgot to mention that I went vegetarian about 5 days ago. Saw a cow get shot in the head twice on google's Life in a Day. Cried for about an looked like it was in so much pain. It was twitch on the first shot to the head, so they had to do another. After that they showed it throat being slit. Been meatless for about 5 days, it's been forcing me to eat more fruit which I guess is good. Ugh that poor cow, the image just keeps replaying in my head.

How is it I'm finally getting exercise and food routine down, but all my emotions just decided to go whack? They're like "ahh fuck it, lets be the screw ups, like we always are!"

Changed my profile picture to me, btw. It was a photo I semi-liked. Yes, the wonders of instagram.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Finals over, self esteem lower.

Yes the title says all. My finals are finally over and I'm pretty sure I failed at least half of them.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about my memory and school. Everyone seems to have better memory than me, they remember things they read, things they hear ect. I always do reading for all my classes and take more notes than anyone, but it anyone asked for me to recall it a day mind goes blank. It scares me to think that my eating disorder has possibly effected me in this way. I used to be so much smarter, or maybe I was more naive then and less self aware. Hit to self esteem.

I went to the store yesterday. Saw an incredibly hot guy, and for some reason I decided I would at least act confident. So I was smiling, laughing and basically being a loud idiot. He ignored me. And then went to talk to his co-worker, a girl who goes to my school that wears tons of make up and is so tiny. Yep, that is my life. Another hit to the self esteem.

OH! I've also been really wanting to write lately but just can't get it out of my system. I have this great idea and really want to write but can't seem to put fingers to keyboard- so to speak. I guess I'm just scared. One of the things that trigger me is people criticizing my art/writing ect. It was one of the things that contributed to my ED. I was told I was a terrible writer and should stop. So going there is a bit of a sore spot and I am a little apprehensive. BAM, NO ESTEEM.

Today I ate pretty well. And I had been exercising pretty consistently. I was also finally getting back into my usual routine of crunches. My mom made pizza and I threw away mine when she wasn't looking, but did eat a candy bar in front of her and a granola bar. Total for the day was at 780. High, but not bad compared to what I was doing as of lately.

Then, it all goes down hill.
My mother remarks "You've been eating a lot of junk lately."
Me: "not really.."
Mom: "You've actually been eating a lot of junk today, and I've been noticing you've been looking a little, well, fuller lately, and you were complaining about being sore from the gym. You have p.e next semester and maybe its time to start exercising more and eating better."

What the fuck. I had to leave the room quickly before I started crying right in front of her. How dare she. HER- the mother fucking yo-yo dieter that has crap all the time. The reason I complain being sore is to seem normal, I am not fucking sore because I workout all the time. But you just don't see that, do you? I had only 780 calories and she tells me I've been having junk!? After watching me eat one candy bar!? I'm disgusted with her and myself.

Its comments like that that making me cry myself to sleep at night. Subtle comments that are daggers. Thanks mom, I'm off to do 200 sit ups, jumping jacks and lunges. Tomorrow? A fast. What a wonderful role model I have in my midst's.

The final blow takes it toll.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Apparently I'm Emotionless.

Finally posting.I'm been super stressed with school. I have a four day weekend (thank god!) Three days of school and then next week is finals. Pretty nervous. I really want to get all A's...or i might cry..hmm yep.

Things have been....meh. The same crap as usual. We changed seats in math and I'm pissed. I was finally sitting by normal people who actually did work on the in class work and group tests now I'm stuck witch a bunch of idiots. One always leaves and joined others tables, selfishly always ensuring he gets good scores instead of actually helping our table. The other one is barely ever there because of cross country. And the third is annoying as hell and pisses me off.
His name is...Deqwandre? I think. Either way hes loud obnoxious and rude. On Thursday,( the last day I had that class) he told me this:

Him: "Yo why are you always so chill?"
"What do you mean.."
"You let me take your calculator everyday and you never say anything, you barely ever barely ever smile!"
Me: "Well I just figure it nice to share, especially if using the calculator helps you understand the notes I figure-"
"You are literally one of the most emotionless people I have ever met. Seriously, have you ever been hugged, like a day in your life?"
*Looks over to the table behind this* "Haha are you guys hearing this? " (The table behind us proceeds to laugh)

I was between fuming and depressed. Not only did this comment piss me off but it only confirmed all the insecurities I have with talking people I don't know. Instantly at that point I wanted to cry and crawl into a ball.
Obviously I know I am a freakin emotionless robot. Which is why I cry myself to sleep a lot, somehow I manage to have that concept of emotion down.

I'm going to be alone forever. Fat forever. Ugly forever. I'm going to bed now. I'm going to cry and write in my journal. Made a new years resolution to draw everyday, so far I stuck to it. Should probably do that to.

Maybe I should draw a robot- oh, wait, I already have.