Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Take in a breath and let out a sigh.

The past couple of days have been bleh.

On my last entry I was kinda freaking out because I was pissed that I binged on some chicken noodle soup. I know completely pathetic but I had been doing well and just felt so stupid. In that one moment everything was out of control. The day before I had lost 2 pounds and I thought because of that binge I would gain it back.

I was so upset, all I could think about was SI. I hadn't done SI since the beginning of my eating disorder, which was about 5 or 4 years ago. Without thinking I grabbed some scissors and just started trying to cut. But they were too dull and I was getting upset. For whatever reason I checked out PT first before I was going to hunt down some razors but an amazing message lovelybones on Gilmore girls kept me from doing that. So I can't thank her enough. <3
Next morning (Monday), I woke to find that apparently some damage had been done with the scissors though I didn't feel anything. 
There's a couple more smaller ones on the other side. Nothing major.  

Monday I was pleasantly surprised to see even with the binge I was at the same weight. I have no idea how that happened.  I had a total of 250 calories, minus 550 form working out. Total -300. Yesterday I also went and saw Snow White & The Huntsman with a friend. It was relatively good I must say. I saw this kid who I knew in elementary school working there (hes goes to a different school now). Boy did he look attractive. He kept looking at me like he recognized me haha. I was going to go over and say something to him (which would have been awfully daring and usual for me ) after the movie but I couldn't find him. Is it creepy now that I know what day he works I might go see another movie on that day just to say high. *_* Hes like super attractive now..tall, skinny and muscular..,good face...asldkjal.

Woke up today and I weighed myself, down another pound. But I realized later I did this before I went to the bathroom, so its probably inaccurate. -_- My mom invited me to go to lunch with her and my grandma and I tried to bad to get out of it but I ended up having to go. I had a bread stick (150) and a bowl of Zuppa Toscana (170)...I call bullshit.There no way that soup is so low in calories because it is just so effing' good. I felt so bloated and uncomfortably full after the meal. I added 300 calories to the meal just in case. So total is 620. I'm going to go the gym soon and I'll update after that.


Essentially X - Yes it was quite a cool hotel. I enjoy my own bed too, I actually have troubling falling asleep anywhere besides my bed.

LilyZara - I really appreciate everything you said. Really it was so kind of you to take your time and say all that. I know what i say saying sounded really silly, I was just having this weird moment. After seeing multiple of my friends working this summer (saw another today, and the one I mentioned above), I started realizing my fears and insecurities are holding me back from progressing in life, especially with a job. I am so scared to put myself out there.

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