~More Coming soon, when I have the energy to write about my pathetic excuse for an ED
I don't know how much of this I want to write, or for that matter how much I want to share. The fear of opening up and being known...to be completely whole as me to someone else.
The short and sweet. The 5 years of my eating disorder.
7th Grade (12/13 years old )- low self esteem, tendencies begin. (Hoarding food for later, sit ups everyday) Minor cases of SI begin. (burning w/straightener)
8th grade- the most depressed I have ever been, where the eating disorder began to grow.
8th grade to 9th grade (summer) - where the full blown eating disorder begins. I lost 22 pounds in 2.5 months. I didn't count calories, weigh myself, or exercise because I was in such a bad state of mind.
End of summer- began to feel happyier, moving into 1st year of high school things felt semi better.
Middle of 9th grade- tried self recovery, gained 10 pounds and freaked, relapses.
End of 9th grade- depressed again.
10th grade- a big blur of constant binge and fast days.
11th grade- bingeing constantly, back up to initial HW.
11th to 12th grade summer (present, 17 years old) - trying to undo my shitty mistakes
Though it's easy to point to others is my life who have made me this way, I am responsible for my own actions and feelings. Yes there were strong influences but I could have ignored them- but I didn't, and now I'm here.
My mother- The perpetual yo-yo dieter.
She always taught me to love myself and not care what others think. She should have practiced what she preached. I'm constantly being told I should have more fruit, that I should exercise more, that this food has too much fat ect. She always asks me to check the calorie content of almost everything she eats. Her eyes are that of a hawks, she is always watching me. Watching TV with her is unbearable because all she talks about is how thin/beautiful they are. And even though I look nothing like them she says the same thing to me, like thats all she cares about.
My Father- The health nut /pusher
Probably where half of the mental problems in my family come from. My childhood is filled with memories of screams and breaking things. (doors, chairs, glasses, phones). Though his anger is more under control now, it still breaks through at least once a week, but just not in the way it used to. He can never sit still. He must always be working or exercising. Multiple times he asks why I don't ever eat whole grain. I get told almost everyday by him that I should only eat things with 10 or less ingredients. Bleached flour is bad, high fructose corn syrup is bad ect. I often get told I am lazy by him, the verbal abuse never stops. He has slight OCD with cleaning, mine is with food- so I get often yelled at for simple things. (leaving shoes out, didn't put fork in dishwasher, didn't give dog water, didn't get laundry from room..the list goes on). I am very easily triggered by him and family arguments- which often go hand in hand with him and my brother.