Wednesday, April 27, 2011

We could have had it all.

I'm always going to be the be the ugly duckling.
The third wheel.
The one left out.
The stupid one.
The fat one.

Why bother trying.
My parents are going away for 3 days for a whine festival. I'm staying at a friends house and I am going to fast as much as I possibly can.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

My head hurts

I'm really tired.
Once again, someone has canceled plants to hang out with me. For the third week in a row. Makes total sense, because nobody wants to hang out with a mindless, fat zombie like me.

I'm just so sick of people. I just want it to be summer. I just want to be anyway from all the douche bags at school that make feel like crap.

Nothing much else to say.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Emotionally and physcially drained.

Sorry.sorry.sorry. It's been forever since I've posted (Over a week).

I'm shaking while writing this.

I think it was somewhere around either Friday of last week was when I found out that, Carrie, someone who I thought was one of my best friends, didn't even invite me to her own birthday party. I found out from someone with a loud mouth, talking about how awesome it was, then saying some inside joke to someone about pizza that happened at the party. And I just sat there, feeling like idiot.
Me and Carrie's friendship is confusing. When we are by ourselves, it's like nothing else matters. She told me how she used to have depression last year and has to go to therapy for it still.
I remember her exact words were: "If it weren't for my depression pills, I'm not sure where I'd be right now."
We talk about guys, and in the past we used to talk about god before I lost majority of my faith because of my ED. I've known her since kindergarten. She gets the weird, video gaming side of me and my artistic side.
But- she.didn'

Does she know how much that hurt me?
Do you know how much it hurts?

I am crying now, and I promised I wouldn't because thats all I've been doing lately.
Every. single. night.

God, I just feel awful. Of course I took in the normal way, binges for a couple of days in a row. Then when I went to the scale and saw I went up 4 pounds, I freaked. I'm on day 3 of my fast right now. The longest fast I've ever done. I feel so emotionally and physically drained. Probably will end the fast tomorrow.

Typing is hard. Holding my head up is hard, not only from the lack of energy but from shame. The shame in myself for trusting others again, only to be hurt, again.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Things will end before they start.

I'm really bad at responding to comments, but I do read them all, I hope you guys know that.

Today was fine I guess. At lunch I had a couple of pretzels, I'm guess around 80 calories. Then I had my daily cheese and crackers. I was just getting ready to heat up some cup of noodles but then my dad came and yelled at me, for the dumbest thing ever. I left a pieces of paper on his desk. Accidentally.
He was like: "You always leave crap everywhere! This place is not you're dumping ground!"
I was already all the way up stairs and my hands were full with my soup and some other things.
Me:" Well, I can't grab right now can you just leave it on the stairs for me."
Him: "NO! the stairs is not a fucking filing cabinet for you shit! Pick it up now or I'll throw it away!"

Dumbest thing ever. I have no desire to eat the soup thats next to me now. It just screams worthless, fat and pathetic. Espesially bevause I went up in weight because of my period/ I'm such a failure. This is the first time it's come since....February or January I think. It's verry irregular due to endos and all that. -.-
So total calorie count today: 420.

I'm going to try not to have anymore. But I don't know how I'll do that because my mom hasn't made dinner yet. I'm going to go take a bath or something to calm my nerves, then work on a bunch of homework and study because I'm effing stupid and need to.

Owen is confusing me beyond end. Me literally taped me up today. He came up to me and said he had a present for me, then held up the tape and started taping in all around my body. I had had my hair up all day but decided to take it down. He taped my hair down!

Me: "Owen! You douche bag! When you went around my back you taped my hair along with it!"
Him: "Ohh dang. My Bad....I'm so sorry. :("
Me: "Get my some siccors or something- not that I can even move my arms. -.-"

It hurt like a mofo, The tap was stuck to my hair and I had to rip it off. It literally starting making me cry in class it hurt so bad. This kid named Zack who is really nice said: "Do you need some help?" With a totally nice/strait/sincere face. Me being the jerk I am said no. I've noticed him before. He seems..interesting, but sad in a strange way as well. Makes me wonder if everything is alright with him. But yeah, I ended up asking him if their was any tape still on my back and he said yes and started helping me. Then Owen finally jumped in and took over. -_- Douche bag.
It's like wtf are you doing, you have a girlfriend, stop flirting with every girl you see. Not to mention, her girlfriend is incredibly skinny.

Why would he find me pretty. I'm lifeless, soulless. The personality has been sucked out of me, causing me to hurt everyone around me. Don't become another one of my heartless victims.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

She's a lonely soul

I feel physically sick right now. With my life and everything in general.
I was doing really well with food today then ate half of a brownie and now I want to throw up. I feel so awful.

I didn't go to school on Friday. WHY? Because I'm freaking wuss and a failure. I didn't want to go to any of my classes because I wasn't prepared. 2 out of 3 classes that day I was having tests. This isn't the first time I've done this. Nope. It's just so overwhelming. Around this time last night I checked my grade for algebra 2 online, just out of curiosity to see what I had gotten on a recent test. Not only did I get 31 out of 45 on the test ( 67%!?!?!) BUT MY HOMEWORK PACKET ASSIGNMENTS IS MISSING. Its a big 0/55 on my grade, making it a FUCKING D. (excuse my french, but I'm pissed). I spent all of last night crying myself to sleep because of that grade. Whats even worse is I don't think there's anything I can do. I turned that homework set in like 3 weeks ago and just now noticed it's missing. What does that say about me? To my teacher it will say:" lazy/doesn't care ect." Because I only just now noticed. I betting I forgot to put my name or something. but IDK would he have kept no names? Dear god I hope so.

Not to mention I got 36 out of 50 on a English paper. Which I already knew was going to be bad. It was so bad that my teacher asked me to stay after class.
He said: " So, what happened? This is definitely not like your normal work. I was very surprised." So now I have a c in that class. He said next class he's going to talk about how people can make-up extra points on the paper. I'm going to start working on mine tomorrow. Everyday we have quizzes on the reading from last class and every single freaking time I read, I'm just not good at remembering! I even write it down and I forget! I always get 6-8 out of 10! Which also brings my grade down. Besides those horrible grades, I have all A's. I wrote down all my crappy grades on my piece of paper and taped on the ceiling directly above my head where I sleep. That way I can't avoid it.

But seriously, I feeling like the dumbest pieces of crap. And I really need a friend.

I'm spending my whole Sunday studying and doing extra work for school.
I actually had a lot more to talk about what happened today but I got off on a tangent of school.

Off to do 300 sit-ups and jumping jackssss.