Friday, April 15, 2011

Emotionally and physcially drained.

Sorry.sorry.sorry. It's been forever since I've posted (Over a week).

I'm shaking while writing this.

I think it was somewhere around either Friday of last week was when I found out that, Carrie, someone who I thought was one of my best friends, didn't even invite me to her own birthday party. I found out from someone with a loud mouth, talking about how awesome it was, then saying some inside joke to someone about pizza that happened at the party. And I just sat there, feeling like idiot.
Me and Carrie's friendship is confusing. When we are by ourselves, it's like nothing else matters. She told me how she used to have depression last year and has to go to therapy for it still.
I remember her exact words were: "If it weren't for my depression pills, I'm not sure where I'd be right now."
We talk about guys, and in the past we used to talk about god before I lost majority of my faith because of my ED. I've known her since kindergarten. She gets the weird, video gaming side of me and my artistic side.
But- she.didn'

Does she know how much that hurt me?
Do you know how much it hurts?

I am crying now, and I promised I wouldn't because thats all I've been doing lately.
Every. single. night.

God, I just feel awful. Of course I took in the normal way, binges for a couple of days in a row. Then when I went to the scale and saw I went up 4 pounds, I freaked. I'm on day 3 of my fast right now. The longest fast I've ever done. I feel so emotionally and physically drained. Probably will end the fast tomorrow.

Typing is hard. Holding my head up is hard, not only from the lack of energy but from shame. The shame in myself for trusting others again, only to be hurt, again.

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