Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Take in a breath and let out a sigh.

The past couple of days have been bleh.

On my last entry I was kinda freaking out because I was pissed that I binged on some chicken noodle soup. I know completely pathetic but I had been doing well and just felt so stupid. In that one moment everything was out of control. The day before I had lost 2 pounds and I thought because of that binge I would gain it back.

I was so upset, all I could think about was SI. I hadn't done SI since the beginning of my eating disorder, which was about 5 or 4 years ago. Without thinking I grabbed some scissors and just started trying to cut. But they were too dull and I was getting upset. For whatever reason I checked out PT first before I was going to hunt down some razors but an amazing message lovelybones on Gilmore girls kept me from doing that. So I can't thank her enough. <3
Next morning (Monday), I woke to find that apparently some damage had been done with the scissors though I didn't feel anything. 
There's a couple more smaller ones on the other side. Nothing major.  

Monday I was pleasantly surprised to see even with the binge I was at the same weight. I have no idea how that happened.  I had a total of 250 calories, minus 550 form working out. Total -300. Yesterday I also went and saw Snow White & The Huntsman with a friend. It was relatively good I must say. I saw this kid who I knew in elementary school working there (hes goes to a different school now). Boy did he look attractive. He kept looking at me like he recognized me haha. I was going to go over and say something to him (which would have been awfully daring and usual for me ) after the movie but I couldn't find him. Is it creepy now that I know what day he works I might go see another movie on that day just to say high. *_* Hes like super attractive now..tall, skinny and muscular..,good face...asldkjal.

Woke up today and I weighed myself, down another pound. But I realized later I did this before I went to the bathroom, so its probably inaccurate. -_- My mom invited me to go to lunch with her and my grandma and I tried to bad to get out of it but I ended up having to go. I had a bread stick (150) and a bowl of Zuppa Toscana (170)...I call bullshit.There no way that soup is so low in calories because it is just so effing' good. I felt so bloated and uncomfortably full after the meal. I added 300 calories to the meal just in case. So total is 620. I'm going to go the gym soon and I'll update after that.


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Like the morning sun your eyes will follow me

Always too fat, too ugly, lazy, shy, too stupid to be loved.

When will I ever realize this. I have come to the conclusion of acceptably. Its time to grow up, it's time to face the unavoidable fate. It's time to move on and let live.

I forgive you, both A & C, for all the shitty things you guys both did to me. Not so much do I forgive you but I am forgiving myself, for my nativity, arrogance, judgment and pride.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sleeping Lessons ~

I hate starting blogs, it's the worst.

The past couple of days have been crazy. My dad was given money from a friend for selling some of her stuff, so he decided that we would spend a night downtown in a hotel. It was suppose to be a sort of "last hurrah" before my brother left for work in Alaska. It was cool. I binged a lot...still the same weight wtf how does that happened. It was really cool hotel though all the rooms were named after songs, and in the rooms they had the lyrics around the door. We had two rooms because it was two people to a room and my brothers GF was there so LUCKY ME, I got to sleep on the floor.

Our room was The Black Parade, by my Chemical Romance, and my brother and his gf got Sleeping Lessons, by the Shins. (SO JEALOUS)
Picture of the Door, View from Hotel

This last picture was from a sort of indoor arboretum where you could have dinner. My dad took us there for a treat which was nice I guess. It was really pretty though. 

So that was cool. Next day was a 3 hour drive with my brother, his girlfriend, and his friend S (the one I've know forever) to the airport. That was nice I guess, just to be away from the parents and to experience life outside my room. I literally do no get out enough. Had 6in subway sandwich for dinner on drive. We stayed at S's cousins because their flight was at 8 am and they had to be there at 6, so yeay waking up at 4:45am! 

Last night was my first night in my own bed in two days, so that was nice. Its been raining here the past couple of days. I woke up today with a terrible sinus headache which really pisses me off because I hate starting the day that way. And my stupid humidifier won't work, what the hell. Maybe I'l just sleep all day..I wish.

I decided that I'm going to make some sort of montage video today. Maybe I'll post it, we'll see. . I'm going to go make some 85 cal soup to help, then go to the gym hopefully when it stops. I'm also going to stop by our sporting good store and get a workout jump rope which I've been really wanting lately. I've also been wanting to trying cycling lately as well..so I think i'm going to try it at the gym.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Those dark recesses of your mind.

Not much has happened since my last post. Of course nobody is talking about what happened last weekend. Just shove it away, in those dark recesses of your mind. Suppress, suppress, suppress. 

Been going to the gym/working out everyday. Around 800 calories a day. Binged yesterday at 200 calories with some Chinese food.whatapig. God dammit Chinese food, you will always be my weakness. Probably because that screw up a didn't lose. (this is where I preceded to get up and check my weight just to be sure) YEP NOT ONE DAMN POUND.  

Then yesterday my mom wanted to do some bonding so she made me go get my nails done. Its really weird. ITS REALLY HARD TO TYPE. And scratch things. It like learning to do everything over again rawr. I feel very high maintenance. 
picture. sorry my fingers are fat.

And then today my dad won't let me take the car to workout. I really need to work out, like now. I need to see the calories burned, I have to feel the sweat on my forehead. Tomorrow my bother is leaving for Alaska for work so we're staying a night in a hotel downtown and going out to dinner. So obviously with the dinner implied I must go to the gym. Now.

Then I'm driving with his girlfriend, and my brothers friend (who I've known for my entire life, his little brother and I are friends) on a 3 hour drive up to a certain airport. And then me and my brothers girlfriend get to drive back. That's going to be a semi-awkward drive. Shes already crying now about him leaving soon, and she still has two days.

So these next couple of days have my stressing about food. Being around people and food, not one of my favorites. Luckily my mom is doing a marathon thing a couple towns away this weekend so I'll have 3 days without her obsessive hawk eyes. woot.

COMMENTS. (click below)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Can I go to sleep already.

My Fathers Day wasn't so great.

Hey there bloggy blog, its been a while. Sorry about that. School and final exams were taking up all my time. Now I'm free as a bird. Hah pun on username. *Le Snort*. I'm super tired, its been a long weekend.Being fathers day weekend and my brother getting out of school at the same time we all went on a one night trip thing with the fam. 

It was fine at first. 
But, being my family, things had to go sour eventually. And they did. Why did I think that even for a weekend everything could be fine. Long story short my brother and dad got in a huge verbal fight in a public restaurant. Many heard. Then we sat in quite for a long time, my dad fuming with anger, my mom trying to make awkward conversations about bushes, my brother starring at his feet. Finally my brother got up and left the restaurant.

I was sick to my stomach by this time. Didn't have breakfast or lunch. Had a caesar salad at dinner- my stomach crawled inside me, asking why I was doing this. Walked around town for a bit with my dad, I was forced to since my mom wanted to talk alone to my brother and get food in him since he left before his order came. My mind counted steps and estimated calories. The hotel we stay at had a mini gym which was nice. I did the elliptical for an hour, ran for 15 min. Just short of 800 calories burned. 

To increase the awkward intensity of night, we went to a movie at 9:30, so we could all have an excuse not to talk to each other and turn the world off. We saw Prometheus- what the fuck was that. 
Next morning (today) things were still tense. I just wanted to get home. Do sit ups and be able to go to the regular gym and stay home from the outside world. 

I keep seeing this posts on tumblr about dads and how great they are and how they will always be "there little girls". My mind draws a blank. All I can think about is anger. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

“Fat People Always Complain"

My “friend” said this yesterday.
It had me seriously questioning whether or not is was directed at me. I tend to have an overal negative attitued and I’m fat as fuck- so they go together.
Still, how terrible is that. Then she went to proceed to talk about all the people that complain all the time in our classes and how fat they are.
Oh humanity, I lose faith in you everyday.

Real post....eventually. I have to stop living my blog for anybody else but me.
PSSST. New tumblr (mainly for ED) Polar Winds