Monday, January 10, 2011

For you I bleed myself dry.

Like the title? It's coldplay lyrics. I don't cut but I like the lyrics.

Ugh..not feeling to good. Just spent a half an hour in the bathroom. I have been basically binging like a crap load lately. Way more than I normal do. Everyday was 1500-3000 calories. I went into the bathroom today to see my weight. Judgment time. 4 pounds. UP 4 FREAKING POUNDS. I basically flipped and and took a crap load of laxatives. Even though I know they only get rid of water weight, my sane mind wasn't listening. It never is.

Now I feel like utter crap and I have tons of homework to do and I have to study for tests. I'm scared for finals. They're in two weeks Mostly I'm just worried about chemistry and Government. I hate government and have missed a lot of chemistry classes. ugh.

I haven't been on PT lately because I laced motivation and was so ashamed of my binging. I felt worthless like I wasn't even good enough for the people on PT. I'm sick of being the fat shy girl in the room. I want to be the gorgeous skinny girl in my algebra 2 class. I want to the confident girl in my health class. I want to be the girl with gorgeous legs and hair in my government class. Why can't I have good skin or hair?! Why do i have to work for everything and others get things handed to them? Some people are skinny all their lives and don't even think twice about it. I think about it all the time.

My metabolism has basically gone in the trash. I swear anything I eat makes me gain instantly. I went to the gym twice this weekend which is unusual for me. That reminds me, I got stuck in my gym this weekend. They closed down while me and my mom were working out. Closed up and everything. We couldn't get out because the doors were locked so we had to call the police. He came and told us to go through all the staff's desk's to look for the manager's business card...ect. They literally left the main radio going, half the lights, and the TV'S! So wasteful! I was pissed at the time because they blamed it on us, not hearing the page over the intercom it was closing. BUT HELLO, People exercise with music in, idiots. -_-

I'm over it, I guess. I'm just tired. I need to take a cold show to clear my head. I still don't feel to good from the laxatives. Then I'm off to study. byeee.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry to hear about the weight gain :(. I would have done the same thing with the laxatives though. Actually, I chugged some mineral oil last night because I was sure I had gained weight. Turns out I hadn't >.<

    Good luck with your finals. I'm sure you'll be fine :). Hopefully there'll be questions that you can just bullshit the answer and still get points.

    :( I feel that way about PT sometimes aswell. I hope you're feeling better soon though!

    That sucks about your metabolism and the incident at the gym :/.

    Take care xx