Monday, August 30, 2010

Plastic Made Dreams

It's been a while since I last posted. Basically this is what happened.
Binge, workout, restrict, workout. Binge, workout, restrict. ect.

:( Yeah I know.
It sucks, but somehow I managed to lose 2 pounds.I have absolutely no idea how that's possible but yeah it happened. I'm definitely not going to post my weight until I get down to my first gw. It's so embarrassing and high, just thinking about it makes me want crawl into a corner. It's basically been a roller coaster right now. I've been working out like crazy though. Since I last talked I went on the hike I was already talking about. Plus went on another 8 mile hike and have been working out everyday for the past 3 days, I'm going again tomorrow.

For some reason PT is shut down temporarily because SOMEBODY AKA 'ZANDER' didn't pay his monthly bandwidth crap. I reallly really need to go on. I need some support bad. Let me explain...

Today started out fine. Woke up, had a cheese stick (80 cals, mom didn't get the low fat 40 cal ones. -_-), went to the gym and burned 300 calories. Did two sets of lunges at 60 sit ups. Would have done more sit ups but my mom wanted to leave. -_- Later in the day around I had Top Ramen (only half of it, 190 cals.), and that was going to be all I had. The total for the day would have been 270, but my MOTHER came back from the store witch my favorite cereal, captain crunch, and my favorite candy, crunch bar. (both have the word crunch in it....weird. >_>)

In the end, I had 3 bowls of captain crunch, (140x3= 460), yogurt (110), two cheese sticks (160), crunch bar
(150) and some noodles from dinner which idk were the calorie count on those but I imagine around 200.
TOTAL? 1,080 calories binge. FUDGE, that's like a third of a pound. Plus the food from earlier, it all comes to 1,350. LKJDFHGLSKDFJGHLS. Yes. Thats what my mind is thinking.

So because of this, I was in a very unstable mood. Plus, getting cramps because of my stomach or that time of the month. My dad took me out to practice driving. Cutting this short, I basically got yelled at because I went without looking. He said AND I QUOTE "what the fuck is WRONG WITH YOU!? You could have ran into that car?! ARE YOU THAT STUPID!?". And some other stuff. This made me start crying in the car and I drove strait home. I couldn't think, my mind was a blur.

I ran upstairs and crouched over the toilet crying, shoving my fingers down my throat. I gagged but nothing happened. I am stupid, my dad was right. I knew that I couldn't purge, I've already tried before and nothing happened. But yet I tried for the next 10 minutes, crying and leaning over the toilet. At the end I started having an anxiety attack so I started a bath for myself. I turned the heat way up so I would be able to stun my nervous system and make it so I couldn't feel anything. (this works, I do it to mosquito bites). I Made so many bubbles that they were over flowing from the tub, I couldn't even see the water. The only water I could see were spilling from my eyes.

My grandpa told me once that baths always make you feel better when your sick.
It doesn't work anymore.

Last.Fm Tumblr Formspring

No comments:

Post a Comment