Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Where does the good go?

-_- so. PT is still not available and it's been....two days? Yes two days. Many people came to pretty alone and some others are on Tiny dreams. I'm floating between them both. There are tons of theories running around why pretty thin isn't available. For some reason somebody said that zander (the guy that made the site aka james) is hiding from the popo from being in jail! I really don't know.

I know one thing though, which might or might not have to do with it. I know that somebody posted an article about how PT was on the news because there were these people talking about how they wanted to shut down 'pro ana' and ED related websites! WTF. I really hope not. Those idiots don't realized that those sites are the only thing that keep people with ED'S SANE! Without PT....well I know I would be a lot worse off.

Sigh. So I'm hoping it will come up soon. I feel like crap. Yesterday my mom took me out to Chinese food, one of my weaknesses. I was so hungry I ate the whole thing. stupid fat pig. Then later had two servings of ice cream, I want to die. I was supper depressed last night because I realized that nothing has changed. I'm still that loser with no friends that yes, people will talk to me, but won't make friends with me. I was at this youth group church thing last night, and I remember just wondering, sort of standing there like a lost puppy. I couldn't find anybody to talk to, they all had there own groups. I wanted to go cry in the bathroom. The whole time I couldn't help but think: "they're all so skinny, so perfect. they don't understand." The people who continually talked to me was this fat overweight girl with no make up on, and lets face it, not the prettiest person in the bunch. And the mentally retarded girl who waved at me and smiled. I'm so so selfish. I can't even imagine whats it's like to be like her. At least people still talk to me, but it's only because of my caked on make up and face. Without it I am nothing.
I already am nothing.

People start to listen to me and they LITERALLY will just walk away or start talking to someone else mid sentence. OR LIKE THAT STUPID B- girl....whats her face. In the middle of talking about her hair she screamed something else to a friend and they all went into this group hug thing, and I was just standing on the outside.

It was pouring down rain yesterday with this happened, and two things were on my mind. Standing in that rain, seeing if it would dissolve me. And the skinny, happy people around me. Where does the good go?

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