"Because of this ED I'm basically socially behind all my friends by at least 3 years.
I can barely hold up conversations with people I don't know. Small talk is boring and pointless to me. I can't go through an entire conversation in my life now without over analyzing everything they say and how to react. I feel like I've forgotten how to act&react emotional in conversations because I've been faking it for so long. Faking I'm happy, sad, jealous and even angry just to make sure I appear normal to people around me.
I stopped looking people in the eyes a year ago and literally have to force myself to do so. A lot of times I drift in and out of conversations so half the time I don't even know what people are talking to me about. Judging about how they end their last sentence I counter act. If something they said sound like they were trying to be funny, I chuckle and force a smile. Basically most of my responses to things now are "haha yeah."
I used to not care about what came out my mouth and who judged me on it. I had no filter. Now I constantly filter everything I say. I even go as so far writing notes in my phone on topics to say to certain people.
I'm so f*cked up socially it's ridiculous. I've never had a boyfriend or even gotten close. Because of this ED I don't let anybody get close to me in fear of them knowing about my ED. The last two friends I even let get remotely close to me concerning my ED ditched me and didn't look back. So because of this as well, I have trust issues and always are questioning other people's motives."
I'm pretty sure I'm screwed up beyond repair. The word recovery to me is empty and meaningless.