Sunday, November 7, 2010

Riot on the radio.

well hello there, deserted blog, I've missed you.

BASICALLY. My life is such utter crap. I've been binging like crazy lately because of stress. I fast all day at school and then I come home and eat anywhere from 500-1500 calories. I've gained 4 pounds and haven't been working out at all. Not one bit. I've lost control and have gone back to my depressed mode. At this point, I'm seriously starting to think that I have a binge eating disorder. It's that bad.

The reason I'm stressed is because of school. My grades are horrible and PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS SUCKS. The teacher is so stupid, he doesn't help me at all and whenever I say the film didn't develop he just shrugs his FEAKING SHOULDERS. The thing about me is that I'm procrastinating perfectionist. I wait until the last moment to do everything. And when I get there I'm super stressed because I have no time to do it and it needs to be perfect. This ED has seriously made me so OCD. Or maybe the OCD made me have an ED? At this point I don't care.

I just feel so lost and depressed. This isn't normal. What is normal? Definitely not me. I haven't felt normal in....I don't remember when I've felt normal.

Last week in class had an emotional breakdown. I was so stressed about always staying after for photography (not to mention putting in 3x the extra work and still doing terrible) that literally anything could set me off. That day, Ryan Jacobs (AKA DOUCHE BAG) was the the thing that tipped me over the edge. I can't remember how it happened. Basically Ryan is a jerk and always says really mean, degrading things about me and women. He's very sexist and KJSDGK I HATE HIM. He said something to me and I just couldn't hold it in, I started crying. At first I tried to ignore it, telling people I had allergies (which I don't) and that my mascara was in my eyes. Finally I got up, went to the bathroom and literally cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes. I reapplied my makeup and came back to class, still just claiming that my eyes were irritated. The teacher was mad because I was gone so long so I told him that my mom called me while I was in there for an excuse. More lies. Piling up one after another.

Sadly, this was the day that I had Devin in 3 out of my four classes. And he saw me cry. So now not only does he think I'm a pathetic loser with no friends and a mute, I'm now a crazy emotional girl teenager who cries. -_- I can't even look at him. I can't even look at me.

Somebody help me through this. I need to get out of this shitty cycle so I can be happy for once in my life.

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